Once upon a time, a long long time ago I was super peed off that others did not respect my free will and kept imposing upon me and pressuring me into what they wanted of me. Oh my Word! Did I have a lot to learn. As it turns out, I was doing the same thing to others. Life was mirroring back to me my tendencies. I saw this flaw clearly in others. I saw the speck in their eye. But I sure missed the plank in my eye/i that was protruding out of me so much so that I was almost walking lop sided. I too had become masterful at subtle coercion. I liked it when I could steer others in my direction, but I sure hated it when others steered me in their direction with a look, a tone, a hint, a gift, a compliment, an implied comment. I could administer the medicine but I did not like it being administered to me.
That is until Mudryk, my feline sojourn companion really showed me just how disrespectful, wrong, and hurtful such behavior is. Some many years back, I was about to head out to Holy Trinity Monastery in St. David, AZ for a silent retreat. I love that place. It is holy ground. And its holiness has brought me and others many insights, shifts, comfort, and profound healing. It is an oasis in the desert for the Body, Mind, Heart, and Spirit. It is a resting and refreshing place in the journey of life.
It has about 150 acres and there is much space to roam both with the feet and the mind. I thought that it would be wonderful for Mudryk to have a change in scenery and experience the sights and sounds of the monastery. I asked him if he wanted to come. He sent me a clear and strong “NO” message. He said that he preferred staying at home and going about his routine and his business as he saw it best. He also said that the three hour car ride is very stressful on him.
I heard that but I did not listen. I imposed upon him. Because I knew best. And oh how very sorry I was.
When Mudryk and i became conjoined i was well on my “as i am” journey – being in alignment with the Will of God instead of people’s expectations, and being a God pleaser instead of a people pleaser. I also wanted others to respect me “as i am” as opposed to them respecting me only if I was “as they wanted me to be”. At this point of my journey, I knew that if I wanted the Gift of Respect from others, I first needed to offer that gift to myself, and others. Then I will see and feel the same respect in my life. That is the Law of Karma. That is the Supreme Law of the Universe. God respects our free will. God lets us choose even though God sees that our choices may not always be the best for us. It is an insoluble offense in Cosmic Consciousness to impose our will or pressure someone into doing something or being someone outside of what they would choose for themselves, outside of who God made them to be. Always remember that. Always live that so that you may have a more peaceful and graceful journey yourself.
Even though i knew all of this, i still went the bad way. i understood this concept intellectually. i knew this concept experientially, but it was not until i felt it gutturally that I really “got it”. It became visceral. It became part of my flesh.
Just like on a few previous retreats, I forced him to come with me to the Monastery. The three hour auto ride was very stressful on him. His breathing was heavy and at times he panted. He kept roaming thru the vehicle trying to find a place to calm down. Most of the time he ended up on my shoulders, nudged up against the seat, with his head and front legs hanging over my arm. He did not look comfortable nor feel at peace. I kept thinking that he will overlook my transgression once we got to the Monastery where he could go on his own exploratory adventure. I kept thinking that he would be grateful to me after we arrived for forcing him against his will to join me on my retreat, my calling, my journey. That’s how I justified my transgression. That’s how I condoned that the ends would justify the means.
Upon our arrival early in the afternoon I took him to our room so that he knew where “home” was. The Monastery calls it St. Bernard Hermitage. I call it, “the house on the hill”. It is a duplex situated on the downward slope of a hill. At the top of the hill is the chapel with the cross as it’s crown. In between our house on the hill are the cemetery, a portion of the stations of the cross, and a pond. It is very comforting and soothing to me when I look out the window or sit on the porch that I can see and be so close to the Tabernacle where He resides. When the chapel bell is rung signifying prayer time, it is like heaven’s chimes beckoning me to His Holy Presence – a taste of heaven here on earth. Furthermore, in the pond outside our door there lives a bull frog. When he bellows his deep throated bass song to the Universe the lyrics of “Redeemer” by Nicole C. Mullen flow through my Thoughts and Heart: “All of creation testifies ~ This life within me cries ~ I know my redeemer lives”. I AM in heaven.
The first thing that Mudryk did was lie on the floor and breathe. Then he sought some comfort by going into his “cave” to get grounded and get away form me. In this instance the cave was the small space underneath the La-Z-Boy recliner. I let him be while I settled in myself too. When I would peer underneath and ask him to come out, he would not even look at me, let alone listen to my plea. Eventually he did come out of is cave and went out to roam and explore the grounds. I was relieved. At times we go on walks together with him leading the way. At times we meet up as we are each on our own journey. The retreat had begun and I myself went out to commune with Nature and with God.
The sun was beginning to lean toward the horizon, and dusk was approaching. Mudryk had not come home yet. Worry was beginning to creep into my thoughts and Heart. I went out looking for him calling his name. He usually shows up and appears when I call out to him. This time though, no Mudryk. I searched and searched and searched. Then I felt or thought about the culvert underneath the gravel road that was nearby. There he was crouched in the center with his back to me and not wanting to look at me nor come toward me. I tried calling him with my sweet voice. I begged. I pleaded. I cried. I tried telling him how much I loved him. I thought about using my angry and authoritative voice, but then decided against it. After all, he was in the right and in this scene he was the one in control. The tables had turned. He was the dominant one now. He had me in the palm of his paw.
“I know”, I thought, I will lure him out with treats. He loves treats. He gets them as often as he wants and as many as he wants. At “home home” I have them lined up in the bottom cupboard. He points with his nose to signify to me which he fancies at the moment. Then he eats them out of the palm of my hand. He has done a magnificent job in training me in how he wants to be loved. I gladly comply. Sometimes I think he has more treats than normal food. Perhaps all of life is a treat to him. I got up off of the dusty ground and went to get his treat bag. I came back to the culvert and enticed him by shaking the treat bag. He barely nudged a whisker. I kept at it. On and on and on. By this time, the sun had gone down and it was getting darker by the moment. He did get up, he did come closer to the opening, but not within arm’s reach. He was still hurting from my imposing.
As the earth kept rotating, it was officially night. The land was dark. By this time my voice was getting frantic for him to come out and come home. The Monastery is in the desert and in the wilderness. There are all sorts of larger creatures that come out at night looking for nourishment. And I was helpless. Eventually in the night it dawned upon me to just let him be. This was not his first trip to the Monastery and he knew his way around. He knew where our home was. He knew I would leave the window slightly open for him. I told him I loved him and left.
Back in the room, I had a lot of work to do. I had to pray pray pray for his safety and reflect upon what I had done.
When our lives, Spirit’s, and Hearts conjoined I had a really hard Heart wrenching decision to make. Was I going to keep him indoors at all times, or let him out and explore. Phoenicians had told me all sorts of stories about the wildlife in the city of Phoenix and advised me to keep him indoors. But in the depths of my Being I received another message. He was a Gift from God to me and I to him. He is in God’s hands. Let him live in accordance with his Heart and his Soul. Even though his Heart and Soul are in a feline body, he also has his own journey of growth and evolution here on earth. This almost set me into panic mode as I myself had seen coyotes in our neighborhood. As he was growing up I did my best to teach him to “stay away from the streets and moving vehicles”. I observed that he himself was very aware of his surroundings and that he knew the importance of being alert. Because he loves the outdoors so much, it would not have been a life for him if I kept him indoors. It would nave been and offense against him, his Heart, his Spirit, his life’s purpose and the Universe had I not let him go out and kept him cooped up on the inside. Just like me, he too needs the freedom to be, to grow, to breathe, to explore, to live his life. My job was to love him, let him love me, and let him live in accordance with the whisperings of the Holy Spirit in his Heart, and to praypraypraypraypray that he makes wise choices and that the Angels watch over him and keep him safe. Nevertheless, every time he goes out the door, I send him off with a blessing and a prayer.
Thus, this contract between his Soul and mine came flooding back to me as I headed back to the hermitage for the night. My Heart was heavy with worry, deep regret over my decision to force him to come, and sorrow at the grief I caused him. All I could do was send him love from my Heart to his and praypraypray that he would be all right and that he would come home soon through the open window I left for him.
It was a semi-sleepless night. Every time I awoke I checked to see if he had come back. He had not. The more time passed the more somber I became as I reflected at what I had done unto him. The sun arose and still no Mudryk. I dressed and rushed out to the culvert, and there he was where I last saw him last night. I greeted him with elation and treats, but he just stayed squatting on the ground looking at me with those eyes. Those eyes told me he was still feeling betrayed, imposed upon and disrespected. I heard those thoughts. I felt those feelings wash over me. I who loved him so, was the one responsible for his pain and sorrow. Knowing and feeling this was like swallowing a twirling double edged dagger and have it burrow into my Heart and Being. Every time I breathed it tore more flesh. I was feeling my offense against Mudryk and the Cosmos.
I apologized and was sorry to him like never before, but still he did not budge.
All day he did not come out. All day I simmered my regret and offense.
Day two, and once more around 6:00 pm the sun set over the horizon, night two, and Mudryk was still in the culvert. By now, I knew better – no cooing. I went to the culvert, looked inside, told him I loved him and that I was deeply sorry, and went to our room.
And then at around 10:00 pm a miracle. He came in through the window, and spoke a “meaow” like I had never heard before. It was a humble, reconciliatory, and loving “meaow” – a peace offering. I on my part ran to him and hugged him like I had never hugged him before. I showered him with kisses and held him close to my Heart and apologized like I had never before. I learned my lesson. He had been my teacher. His boycott of me imbued my Spirit and my Heart with the Cosmic Law of Free Will.
By the Grace of God, i pray that i always have the humility and reverence toward others and their free will of choice.
In reality it looked like i adopted Mudryk. But in truth, he chose me. His soul recognized mine from previous journeys. We already knew each other and were reuniting once again. He is and has been one of my greatest, gentlest, and most loving teachers.
Abundant Grace, Wisdom, and Blessings,
Irena As I Am & Mudryk, The Wise One