For most of my life I had written memos and directives to God. They had contained instructions to God as to how God should best bless me and those around me, handle any pickles or pickled situations I had swum into and gotten myself off-course, and the time frame within which God should wiggle his nose and make these things happen or disappear. That translated into, yesterday! But I would graciously settle for NOW! After all, I had followed God’s laws/commandments/fast days, went to church on a regular basis, adhered to tradition to the minutest of details and was a “nice person”.
“So you see God, with all due respect, you owe it to me!” had been my implicit attitude. Yes, pride can take on so many different shapes, forms and woman-i-festations, especially under the guise of humility, piety, and religiosity. It can also be oh so subtle that we do not even recognize it. I was using emotional guilt and emotional hostage taking into womanipulating God into my way.
In hindsight I am gathering that God, the Cherubin, the Serafim, the Angels and Archangels and all the Saints and Elevated Souls looked at these memos with a mixture of feelings:
1) We have a lot of work to do on this sojourner. Which god and pride shall we pry out of her tight white knuckled fists first?
2) If she only knew that if We gave her what she wanted that would be like giving a Porche to a sixteen year old who just received a freshly minted learner’s driver’s license. She would crash and burn. She is not mentally nor emotionally mature enough for this path at this point in her life and it is not the best one suited for her.
3) Let Us gently steer her toward first listening to Us and becoming aware of Our Way, rather than her constantly and incessantly babbling the same request to us. Let Us teach her stillness, silence, and trust, and expand her spiritual horizons. Then she will be open, receptive, able to decipher and responsive to the Divine Promptings and insights in her Heart.
4) Lastly, she is living in her mind and through her ego. Her religion is the “letter of the law”. Let us steer her into her Heart and Soul. Let her live in the Spirit of Love and the Flow of her Soul and then use her Mind/Ego to navigate in the world.
The irony of the situation was that when I had been flooding heaven with my memos and agendas, my mind had felt very good, justified, and like things were on-course. I had felt that my one/five/ten year plans had been very doable and achievable because of how things “looked” on the outside to the eye/i. Yet for some unbeknownst reason to me, my Heart had not had nor known peace. There had always been a constant slight agitation and uneasiness in my Heart. I had done my best to silence or distract these small whispering and mightly ploughed on with my agenda, even though there were road blocks, pitfalls and boulders in my way.
Finally I had gotten so exasperated, frustrated, hopeless and broken that I finally said, “ok God, what am I not seeing here, what am I not understanding here, what are YOU trying to tell me and what is YOUR plan?”. I ended my one way communication pattern with God and began to listen to and read the memos that Heaven had been sending to me for years. Imagine that, listening to the One who made me: the beginning of humility and humbleness. I finally took my tight grip off of the steering wheel and threw the map out the window! They took me off of the paved highway onto dirt roads and eventually into the wilderness of life, into the depths of my Heart, and into the expanse of my Soul.
Oh how I wondered as I wandered.
Prior to that I would only go down a certain path if my mind had calculated its success probability as very high, regardless of the uneasy feeling in my belly. In this new approach/paradigm the pendulum had swung completely to the other side: my gut has become my navigator. Often times I had felt fear, I did it anyway. My mind screamed at me pointing out the illogicality of the path. I proceeded anyway. With Grace and with each fear quieted my trust in God grew. I became in awe of how things worked out in everyone’s favor when I let God navigate.
I have come to accept that I am on a need to know basis. Heaven sends me my coordinates one step at a time and gives me an inkling of where They are taking me.
In hindsight what I once thought had been my greatest curses, I now view as my greatest blessings. I now thank God for the unanswered prayers just as much as I do for the answered ones.
Lastly, life is so much easier since I have handed the reigns over to God. My job is no longer to figure out how to make/force things to happen. My job is now to show up and do the job at hand. In doing so I’ve learned that God has so much more faith in me, than I ever would have dared dreamed of having faith in me.
Go ahead, trust God with your path. God has the master-plan and map for your best life.
Abundant Divine Wisdom, Grace, Clarity, Courage, Discernment, Right Judgement, Actions, and Love, Irena As I Am