Stay Free

“Stay Free!”

“Stay Free!”

“Stay Free!”

Was the message the Angels were showering upon me, all around me, on the outside and on the inside.

There was a juncture in my life some time ago where I had left and was led out of a longstanding super committed relationship. I had poured all of me into this relationship and into the other and all the others around this longstanding super committed relationship. Later on I was to find out that I and the other have had many lives together in the past. This other  person and our relationship were the sun of the orbit of my life. And I used all of the sunshine  within me to lighten and nurture the other and others. It was my duty and obligation. And then it imploded. It was no more. It vanished. It became a nothingness, a vastness, an emptiness, a vacuum. And I lost all sense of me, my identity, my purpose, my purse, my meaning, my reason for being. Like an astronaut untethered from their spaceship floating aimlessly and in eternal perpetuity, I too was untethered from that and those that shaped who i was, why i was, and where i was going. For a period of time, my body was here on earth but the “i” in me or the “eye”  of me was floating in a black hole of nothingness. It was as though I was a walking, living, breathing shell of a body whose soul had departed. I knew not where my soul had gone, nor if it would ever come back and fill me up again. I knew I still existed because I could see and touch my body. That much was there and true, but the inside was hollow, like a dead tree. It was the weirdest sensation I had ever had over a period of time. I knew what depression was and how it felt. But depression was kindergarten to this sensation. At least in depression I felt something. With this encounter, I felt nothing.

As the adage goes, “The Universe abhors a vacuum.” and thus, in time another was brought into my life who could and would help me have a reason for me. Everything that I had wanted from the first other that I did not get and which had caused me great angst, this second other gave easily, freely (or so I thought initially), and abundantly. This second other was lavishing generous gifts upon me, flying cross country to see me and spend time with me – and all I had to do was “say the word”. Conversationally, this new other was brilliant and had a genius mind. To me and for me, this characteristic gave me an inside natural high. This was my own fairy tale unfolding before my eyes. I was excited again. I was alive again. I was feeling again. I had hope for the future. I began making plans for a future of togetherness, of “happily ever after”. But lurking behind all of this abundant external positivity and fortune, I was being hounded and stalked by a feeling from deep within of uneasiness, unsettledness, and like I wanted to RunRunRunRun.

This was a period in my life where I was a neophyte to understanding and responding to my feelings and to the messages my body was sending me. I was on the border, in that liminal zone between discounting them, ploughing through them, or bulldozing them down with the might of my bull-like will and to actually stopping, feeling them, discerning what they were telling me, and then proceeding with this newfound wisdom. Interestingly, one of my major mantras back then reflected this shift. It was, “Stop. Feel. Think. Then Act.”. I even had a t-shirt made with this slogan. I needed to wear these words and have my body and being absorb this lesson and way of being and living.

Even though my mind was elated and my Heart alive again, my body was SCREAMING something completely different and opposite. My body’s wisdom and intuition was feeling, reading, and responding to the vibes in this encounter. My body, God bless her, was figuratively and literally saying RunRunRunRunRunRunBabyRunRunRun! I am sure that you Dear Reader can figure out and make the connection how the RunRunRun… part manifested itself in my body. But just to give you little hint and clue: whenever I left my house, my predominate thoughts and concerns were, “where is the nearest rest room” and “how long before I reach the nearest restroom”. Get it? My body was so anxious and so distressed that she was always on the run from the present moment.

Around this time I was reading books on how to develop my intuition. I wanted to know how to hear and respond to God, rather than to the whims and desires of others. God responded by presenting to me in my path books about intuition: Laura Day, “Practical Intuition” and “How to Rule The World from Your Couch”, Sonia Choquette  “The Psychic Pathway” are the ones that I remember now.

Meanwhile I was teetering and tottering between co-joining my path with this new other or go at it solo. A wise person suggested that I visit and spend some time with this other person in their home and native land. And so I did. And oh Dear Lord what an eye opener this was. My trip was slated for seven days but after about day three or four, I KNEW I wanted OutOutOutOutOut! I called the airline and they wanted almost eight hundred dollars to re-issue my ticket to a flight a few days earlier. Um, maybe not. Maybe I’ll just tough it out, I thought. There is always a silver lining because if before my “no” was the size of The Rock of Gibraltar, after the extra few days my “NO” solidified from the surface down to the core and it became the size of the Rocky Mountain Range.

The Universe in It’s part was also signaling to me Their View on the situation with Their communication. We were driving in the city and a bus stop advertising caught my eye. It’s prominent message was “Stay Free”. Then while we were stopped at a red light, an elderly couple crossed the street right in front of us. I looked at them and they looked and felt MISERABLE. In that moment, I had a deep impression and feeling that said,                  “Irena if you co-join your path with this other, you will be this miserable couple down the line”. On my! Not good grief, but miserable grief. Later that night as I retreated into the safety and sanctuary of my hotel room, I had something happen that had never happened to me before – and at one point in my life I had done a a lot of business travel and hotel rooms had been my second home, so I had a cache of reference points of what a good hotel experience should look like and feel like. I had taken a long hot bath to wash the day away and then enveloped myself into the cocoon  of white bed sheets. I finally relaxed when I heard someone fidgeting with the door. By the Grace of God, I had engaged the chain door latch. I got up to see what was going on. The hotel staff had somehow mixed up my reservation with someone else’s who could not get into their room, which was my room. They tried to get in but could not. I was fuming mad! But in hindsight, it was just another sign along the way. I now see the innocent mistake of attempted intrusion in to my safe space as a signal of what would happen down the path line: my i would be intruded and invaded. Since I was so stressed and anxious, my monthly visitor, the feminine kind, came early. I always travel prepared and reached for my feminine product. Although I had used the same brand for years, it was as though I saw it for the first time. It read “Stay Free”. Need I say more! I laughed with deep gratitude at the affirmation and confirmation.

I could not wait to get into that metal cylindrical man made bird, sit into my seat  and fly home to my little safe nest. I thought I was home free. Again, at one point in my life for a few years, I had gotten on a plane several times a month and had always had a pretty good experience. Not this time though. The flight was delayed couple of hours due to an electrical issue related to the set belt safety light overhead our seats. All the passengers remained on the plane while the service crew repaired the short circuit. Meanwhile, I prayed and prayed and prayed. Finally a few hours later we were airborne. Home safe! I thought! Not so fast, said something else. About an hour into the flight the seat belt light started flashing uncontrollably, the pilot came on and said that although it was not a major issue and we could continue flying, regulations required that we turn back. WHAT! TURN BACK! NoNoNoNoNo!!! Turn back we did. Change planes we did. This I had never experienced before. Eventually, after much hassle, fuss, inconvenience, we made it to our destination, safely.

“Stay away from this person and this path. Very Very Very Far Away.”, the Universe not only whispered, pleaded, hinted, but screamed too. By the Grace of God, i listened and i obeyed, even though on paper and to the naked eye the positives were in abundance. This time I didn’t override The Holy Spirit. This time I took Her Eternal Wisdom and heeding.

Upon my return home, I severed ties with this person. Within a relatively short period of time, my body calmed down and stopped “running”.

Grateful beyond words.                                                                                                    Take Charge of you, your choices, your life, your health, your outcomes,                      Irena As I Am                                                                                                      02/23/2018


It’s called EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, or just simply, Tapping. And, I stumbled on to it about ten years ago, or rather, I was led to it.

It was 2007 and I had just finished reading a book by a healer whose office/practice was based in Old Town Scottsdale. I don’t remember now neither the name of the author nor the title of the book. Since for a number of years I had dubbed myself as the Queen of Clean, the book has long since left my domain. (Actually, in all of my “spring cleanings”, books were the hardest for me to part with.) I was so impressed by her approach and efficacy to healing that I went in search of her in Old Town Scottsdale. When I arrived to the address that was in the back of the book, she was no longer there but there was a sign on the door that she had moved to Scottsdale Rd & Shea Rd. Her neighbors confirmed that that is where they knew she had moved to, but they had lost touch with her. Thus, off I went on my quest to find her.

When I arrived at the professional office park and looked at the directory, she was not listed to my disappointment. But around this time I was listening to (online and audio books), attending seminars, and reading awareness and Hay House authors, and specifically Doreen Virtue’s work about Angels. She would say “follow the bread crumb trail”, which meant, follow the hints, signs,  and promptings that the Angels leave for us on the path of life. When I am on such a quest, sometimes I hum or sing a song from the movie “The Wizard of Oz” called “We’re Off to See the Wizard of Oz”. I see myself as “follow(ing) the yellow brick road”. And, most important of all, trust the path, however illogical, silly, or clowny it may seem. It’s almost like a treasure hunt with clues, but it is a real life game of following the path of Light suggestions. The office park directory did however list a different healer, a naturopath. My ancestors have a saying, “everything you need to know is at the tip of the tongue”, meaning, ask. Thus, I decided to walk over to this naturopath’s office and ask if they knew the whereabouts of this author/healer.

Side Note: If you think healing has to be painful and complicated, think again, just look to The Word, The Bible for instances where it is simple and easy. All that Namaan had to do to heal from leprosy in 2 Kings 5 was to plunge in the Jordan seven times. In the Book of Tobit, sight is restored with an ointment and a woman’s spiritual and earthly fortune returned by a simple sacred ritual in chapter eight. Tobias’s companion on his journey was in human form but in actuality was Archangel Raphael, the angel of healing. You just never know who is in your midst. Angles love disguising themselves!

I walked in, greeted the receptionist, showed her the book, and asked her if she knew the whereabouts of this healer. She said she was not aware of her but that the naturopath, who was not in at the moment, would be glad to assist me and she gave a tour of the office. During the tour she asked what I was needing healing for. I told her of my physical misalignments and that I was looking for a natural way of healing from the inside out. She said that she works in conjunction with the naturopath and her offering is  an energy healing modality called Reiki and emotional healing. She then asked if I would be interested in a session.

Now this was the moment of Truth. Would I proceed based on what was presented to me, OR, would I decline because it was not as I had expected it to be? By the Grace of God, I said yes, and it opened up a whole new world for me. It was like I had stepped through a door, a portal that was mysterious, magical, and I soon found out, gentle and effective. This receptionist was a Reiki and EFT practitioner. Although at the time I had no clue what that meant or what it had entailed, I was open and willing to try. It scared me to my core, and it opened up the core for gentle healing.

I laid down fully clothed on her massage table in her healing room, or womb of healing, a sacred space.  She lit some candles, put on some New Age music, asked me to relax, close my eyes, breathe deeply, and just allow. ‘Ok, I can do that’, I thought, even though I was slightly hesitant and  trepidatious. Then she pulled up her rolling stool, sat on it, began by calling in weird sounding names of people or spirits (Usui and Madame Takata), saying things that I had never heard before, and hovered her hands over my head. Part of me was curious, part of me was terrified, part of me was thoroughly confused, part of me said, “just be still” and another part began to feel deep deep relaxation and calmness. Fear was telling me several things: what if she is calling in the darkness, what if others found out what you were partaking in, what if she harms you in ways you are not even aware of, what would the church think of this, and the church would most certainly disapprove of this. This last thought surprised me but it would hover around me over the coming years as I went deeper and deeper down the path of spirituality and the New Age way.

This, my first ever Reiki session lasted about 45 minutes. My troublesome and worrisome thoughts aside, afterwards I felt much lighter, more hopeful, positive, and stronger. I was amazed, perplexed, surprised, and grateful for the relief I received, with seemingly no side effects.

Then, as I opened up to her about my emotional angst and tensions, she suggested we try a technique she had just learned and been certified in. It was called, EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, or simply put, “tapping”. She said that our bodies hold the energy of our tension and by voicing the feeling along with tapping on the body on certain meridians, channels of energy flow (chi), it would help release the insanity, intensity, and the grip it had on the body and mind. Again, because of my fraught emotional state and distress, I was willing to try anything that did not involve pharmaceuticals. As I spoke outbound my issues, she asked me on a scale of 1 to 10 how intense they were. It was usually in the 7 to 10 range. Then she tapped on her body and asked me to tap in the same places on my body (head, face, upper chest, hands, and underneath the arm pits) as I continued to speak my pain. I would begin with “Even though I feel _______________, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.” Then after we went through all the meridian points, I would do eye rolls and sing something happy, like “Happy Birthday”. Then she would ask me to rank the issue again.  I was amazed, perplexed, surprised, and grateful for the relief I felt by doing something as simple as speaking and tapping on my body. I also felt silly doing the practice. Now I take it very seriously and have embraced it whole heartedly. It literally lightened me up. It was like tonnes of emotional weight and baggage had been lifted off of my mind, Heart, shoulders, chest, and psyche. It all went somewhere. Where I am not sure, but it worked. The emotional intensity had downgraded from a 7-10 to a 0-3. It was miraculous, really.

I had another nine sessions with her. Just when I was becoming too depended on her, too needy, like on a narcotic, she moved to another state. God, The Universe was telling me, “She was Our instrument. She did not provide the healing. We sent it to you through her. You no longer need her. Let her go. Time to move onto your next teacher and healer.” This too would become a common theme: don’t get too attached, and move on to the next teacher.

Little did I know it then, but one day, I too would take the journey of Reiki attunements. But that is another story for another day.

Healing can be natural, gentle, simple, graceful, and peaceful.                                        Tap It Away, Gently,                                                                                                                  Irena As I Am                                                                                                      02/01/2018