OutRaged

I am outraged! 

My blood is curldling!

My spirit is revolting!

and

My Heart is weeping!

How could they!?! 

How dare they!?!

Imagine someone having the gentle cure, the thorough medicine, the easy remedy, to plagues that have plagued humanity over the centuries, and withholding it from the masses. Think of the lives it would have saved and the pain it could have spared. Think of the mass fear and hysteria it could have preempted. Think of the progress that could have been made but was not because time, resources, energy, focus was being directed at crisis management rather than on progress and growth. 

Imagine that there is hunger amongst the masses for food, for sustenance, and  for nourishment. Imagine that the masses are plagued by lack, scarcity, and a “not enough” mentality, yet, there is plenty but it is stored away and kept at bay. 

In our earthly timeline, imagine that a group of people had the cure or the knowledge or the insight or the vaccine for such epidemics as the cholera, the bubonic plague, typhoid fever, small pox, measles, mumps, rubella, polio, HIV/AIDS, and the most current one, cancer, and they are holding it back. They are holding it back because they want people living in fear. They are holding it back because they want to control people’s lives and keep them subdued. They are holing it back because they want the masses under their dominion, or as Mick Jagger and Keith Richards penned “under my thumb”. 

That is what the “church” has done to her people and to much of western thought by parsing, by curating, by editing, by cutting and pasting, by withholding Holy Writings, Inspired Scripture, Divine Wisdom, and TRUTH from the people, from the masses over centuries – a mass massacre of the Spirit of The People.

The TRUTH is that past lives and reincarnation are true and real. It was part of the knowledge and truth of the early catholic/orthodox church and christian beliefs up until about Constantine’s time. I know he is referred to as “saint” and “the great”, but not in my books. No longer. Just like he and his entourage took the liberty to “rewrite” the bible and withhold books and truth and Christian mysticism, i am now doing the same thing and choosing to see him as just another spineless man. 

The white paternal patriarchal brotherhood:

I do not trust them. They have lost my trust.

I do not respect them. They have lost my respect.

I do not obey them. They have lost my blind fidelity, for all of eternity. 

It is ironic that he is know for an edict, The Edict of Milan that stated that “Christians could believe what they wanted” (Wikipedia –  “In February 313, Constantine met with Licinius in Milan where they made the Edict of Milan. The edict said that Christians could believe what they wanted.”). Yet he and his entourage took out Truth from Scriptures. They and all those who were in the know withheld medicine and life from countless generations to come.  

I struggled and wrestled with the concept of reincarnation for six years. I actually did not choose the path, the notion, I “stumbled” onto it, or more accurately, was “led” into it. I was at a “Celebrate Your Life” conference in Scottsdale, AZ in 2007, eleven years ago now, when I found my self sitting in a huge conference room. I think I chose the speaker and the subject by a process of elimination and not by desire. In hindsight I now see that The Divine Spirit was masterfully at work in setting me up for massive healing and success. Hmmm, now that I think about it, perhaps Constantine was part of the Divine EntouRage that led me into this room, this speaker, this healing experience, this truth, and this path.

I don’t recall now who the speaker was, but my inkling is to say Dr. Brian Weiss. That session and that seminar and that group past life regression session changed the course of my life. It was the beginning of a new path, a new way, a new age. It opened up my Mind and Spirit to a path and a portal that answered many questions and showed me the healing work that I needed to do in this lifetime if I did not want to carry forward the same lesson into the next. 

When I first began my spirituality journey, there was a stigma put on it and on me that I was “cherry picking” my christian beliefs or that I was being a “cafeteria catholic” – thereby implying my not being in “full communion” nor a “true believer or supporter of Christ” and that “I was turning my back on the one true faith”.  There was guilt, fear, and emotional shunning used as an attempt at  manipulating me or steering me away from spirituality and new age books/gatherings with words and phrases such as:

  • it’s not in the bible, 
  • that is the devil talking to you, 
  • that is evil – thus implying that i am evil or partaking in evil, (in hindsight, i was parting from lies and untruth that kept me subdued and the Spirit of God from flowing through me)
  • that is the devil misleading you, 
  • that is bullshit, 
  • you are being misled,
  • you are being brainwashed,
  • you are so gullible and vulnerable,
  • the church does not believe in that. 

Truthfully though, these voices were my mirror of my inner belief paradigm too. I myself had once thought and spoken in the same manner: condemning and criticizing, but then ultimately and by The Grace of God, accepting and embracing.

These voices were loud and their decibel emotionally demeaning, deafening, and crippling.  They tried to block me, stop me, tackle me, and keep me down, low, and subdued. But BY THE IMMENSE GRACE OF GOD, the Holy Spirit and dispenser of Divine Wisdom and Truth, kept whispering in my ear, in my Heart, and in my Spirit. Sofia kept nudging me along, gently. Sofia kept giving me books and insights and healers and experiences, consistently and persistently. Sofia kept comforting me and consoling me on my seemingly alone journey into this world of eternal Truth and Wisdom, and eventual healing. On the earthly plane there was much resistance, but on the Spiritual plane there was immense support, guidance, and strength. All I had to do was walk by faith, by insight, and by intuition. All I had to do was lean on the crutches of Divine Right Judgement and accept Their grace. All I had to do was listen and respond to the whispers of the ONE TRUE VOICE.

This Voice, His Voice kept whispering to me, “You shall know them by their fruit”. If there was love, stay and learn. If there was fear, run, fast and far.

I found my self being very careful as to how I spoke and what language I used. When I was in the presence of “church people” I avoided Spiritual / New Age language and conversations lest I be laughed at, ridiculed, and shunned. Ironically, in Spiritual circles and healing ceremonies, I edited my church language since there was a strong undercurrent of disdain toward organized religion and its teachings. I was like a double agent double dipping in both gardens. 

At one point I did leave “organized” religion, orthodoxy-catholicism. I did leave control based on fear, guilt, UNworthiness, and servitude. But HE called me back. 

HE said, “Come to Me. Come to My Table. Come Feast at and with and on my Love. Come let Me heal you and nourish you. Come. Come. Come my sweet loved daughter.”

HE said, “Don’t throw out the baby with the dirty diaper or dirty bathwater.” Meaning don’t leave, discard, throw out the beautiful side of the church because of the smelly part. 

HE said, “I know. I see all that is going on. Leave that and them up to Me. I am and will deal with them, in My Way and My time. That is not your job. Your job is to Love Me, listen to Me, and do as I say. Focus on Me and Me only. Receive My Gifts and Me, and let the institution be. Ignore the institution, that is not your work.”

So, I did. I listened to Him. I listen to His Voice. I obeyed His Voice. In doing so He led me to a beautiful Holy Spirit filled community that is based on Love and Acceptance and Healing: a community that is rooted in tradition but not bound by tradition. I am beyond grateful and have been deeply blessed and enriched.

“FORGIVE THEM FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO”, Jesus

In hindsight those external voices didn’t know any better. In hindsight, they mirrored and voiced back to me at what I was thinking and feeling myself. I’ve realized that while i am on wobbly feet in my own truth and skin, the world will reflect back to me my hesitancy and uncertainty. 

The church, although Divinely inspired is manly managed and run – just ask Galileo and St. Joan of Arc. 

Lastly, since I know that that which moves us to joy, tears, admiration and rage in others is also within us. Thus, I am left wondering how my outrage of the church withholding is a mirror of me. Mercy me! As the adages go, “when you point a finger at someone else, there are three pointing ball at you”, and, “it is a sin to know where the water is in the desert and not tell anyone” – I wonder was this is telling me about myself. 

Always, think for yourself, by the Grace of God,                                                            Irena As I Am                                                                                                      04/23/2018

PS                                                                                                                            Despite all this i still love the church – the hierarchy and institution i struggle with and actually have disconnected from. I also realize that  in any tribe a code of conduct is needed so that everyone is on the same page and that there is unity and uniformity. I also recognize and acknowledge all the good that the church has done: schools, universities, hospitals, orphanages, social outreach, mentoring to name just a few. 

Why do i love her so? Well, she was founded and is ultimately guided by the One Beloved of many.

Why Such Brutality in Love

If God is a God of Love, then,

  • Why did Jesus have to experience such brutality?
  • Why did  Jesus have to go through the torturous and humiliating passion?
  • Why did Jesus have to die a death of agony through the crucifixion?
  • Why was Love so brutish to Love Themselves?
  • Why did Love not just find a more gentle and loving way of demonstrating Their love to us and for us? After all, anything and everything is possible with God.
  • Why did Love choose The Way it did for our salvation?
  • Why did Love not just go from the Letter of the Law to the Law of Love in a more “humane” Way?
  • If God is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, and eternal, why not just “offer” it to us as a Gift, like so many other Gifts that are given to us?
  • Why put Themselves through such agony?
  • Why does this Gift have to come dripping with blood, skin lacerations, humiliation and ridicule, a crown of thorns, spikes through the flesh, and eventual death through asphyxiation?

God breathed life into Adam by blowing Their Breath into Adam’s lung. And then, God took away Their Life by denying that very same Breath to Themselves in a torturous manner. WhyWhyWhyWhy?

When I have asked others, the answers have varied but the most standard reply has been “love”. I get it. But it still does not silence and give peace to my “why”.

Whenever I ask God the “Why?” question, I always get the same response: “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth…tell Me if you understand such things.” Job 38 (For the full Chapter of God’s questions/statements to Job’s “Why?” question, see below this article.) This response always lets me know gently that i am way out of my league in even asking the “Why?” question. Its natural implication is that i TRUST and keep going. Sometimes, on the rare occasion or in time, the “why” is shown to me. I have realized that with God, I am on a “need to know basis”.

Annually, when we celebrate The Passion in Holy Week, it almost feels like we keep reinforcing and reigniting the brutality by going there, being there, and partaking in it. It almost feels sadistic. And yet, as I reflect over my life’s journey, I have felt a deep connection to the various  people in the Holy Week events. Yes, I have felt that I have been the victim, the allower, the betrayer, the observer, the one who would not stand up to the crowd, the accuser, the plotter, the warner, the mocker, the nail driver, the cross carrier assistant, the self-righteous one, and,  the weeper and wailer, oh yes, very much the weeper and wailer.

And yet, simultaneously, in my journey, Holy Week, with all its brutality and eventual Resurrection has been comforting and healing. By associating with the various roles, it has helped me process my thoughts and emotions in my journey. Crying silently in public, in church with others as nonactive, silent, non-aware witnesses is reassuring. Seeing others cry is bonding. It takes great courage being so vulnerable in public. I see them in a different light. I see more of their Hearts and not just their external persona and projection. This is a wonderful and Grace filled moment.

However, as of the past few years, my perception is and has been shifting. As i am, and have been embracing the concept that The Soul chooses or is Divinely assigned certain lessons for growth and evolution, i am now realizing that “the victim” outlook is no longer fitting. i have now even reached a point to where i am GRATEFUL for the “thorns, scouragings, mockery, and betrayal” in my journey. I now see that these experiences actually SERVED me because they purified me and humbled me. Although, it certainly did not feel like it when in the midst of the lesson. They helped me get a better grip of my ego/pride. They helped me reign in my wild and untamed ego. They helped me get closer to God like i had never imaged i could. Now, is that not a wonderful Gift.

And then, the Resurrection. Oh! That glorious Resurrection. Being in a sanctuary full of like minded Minds, Hearts, Spirits, and Voices all singing, praising, and worshiping, is a holy gathering. It is heaven on earth.  The unity and the focused energy strengthens my faith, my hope, and my resolve for the journey. I learn from others and grow stronger through their example of faith. Onward seems not only possible, but inevitable. It is like the Light in our individual Spirits and Souls gets brighter and recharged when it is near others praying, worshiping, and reverencing God. This is a beautiful Gift. For this i am beyond grateful.

Will i ever in this earthen journey understand why Jesus’ last few hours were so heart wrenching? Probably not. i am quite certain that most likely i will find out upon reuniting with Him in full Spirit. Until then, i keep on trusting and taking the next step in my faith journey.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength. 1 Corinthians 1

Abundant Wisdom, Love, Blessings, and Trust,                                                             Irena As I Am                                                                                                      03/31/2018

 

The Book of Job, Chapter 38, NIV

The Lord Speaks

1Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:

2“Who is this that obscures my plans

with words without knowledge?

3Brace yourself like a man;

I will question you,

and you shall answer me.

4“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?

Tell me, if you understand.

5Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!

Who stretched a measuring line across it?

6On what were its footings set,

or who laid its cornerstone—

7while the morning stars sang together

and all the angelsa shouted for joy?

8“Who shut up the sea behind doors

when it burst forth from the womb,

9when I made the clouds its garment

and wrapped it in thick darkness,

10when I fixed limits for it

and set its doors and bars in place,

11when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;

here is where your proud waves halt’?

12“Have you ever given orders to the morning,

or shown the dawn its place,

13that it might take the earth by the edges

and shake the wicked out of it?

14The earth takes shape like clay under a seal;

its features stand out like those of a garment.

15The wicked are denied their light,

and their upraised arm is broken.

16“Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea

or walked in the recesses of the deep?

17Have the gates of death been shown to you?

Have you seen the gates of the deepest darkness?

18Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?

Tell me, if you know all this.

19“What is the way to the abode of light?

And where does darkness reside?

20Can you take them to their places?

Do you know the paths to their dwellings?

21Surely you know, for you were already born!

You have lived so many years!

22“Have you entered the storehouses of the snow

or seen the storehouses of the hail,

23which I reserve for times of trouble,

for days of war and battle?

24What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,

or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?

25Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain,

and a path for the thunderstorm,

26to water a land where no one lives,

an uninhabited desert,

27to satisfy a desolate wasteland

and make it sprout with grass?

28Does the rain have a father?

Who fathers the drops of dew?

29From whose womb comes the ice?

Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens

30when the waters become hard as stone,

when the surface of the deep is frozen?

31“Can you bind the chainsb of the Pleiades?

Can you loosen Orion’s belt?

32Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasonsc

or lead out the Beard with its cubs?

33Do you know the laws of the heavens?

Can you set up God’se dominion over the earth?

34“Can you raise your voice to the clouds

and cover yourself with a flood of water?

35Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?

Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?

36Who gives the ibis wisdomf

or gives the rooster understanding?g

37Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?

Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens

38when the dust becomes hard

and the clods of earth stick together?

39“Do you hunt the prey for the lioness

and satisfy the hunger of the lions

40when they crouch in their dens

or lie in wait in a thicket?

41Who provides food for the raven

when its young cry out to God

and wander about for lack of food?Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Can you tell me?

Born 100 Years Too Late, Not

Once upon a time, a very very long time ago, in the era of my teen years, I had this unsettling feeling that I was out of time and out of place. I enjoyed living in the modern world, the modern era, the modern way of life, but I had this deep yearning from within for simplicity. This yearning for simplicity had its vision imprinted on me, and even though I could not see it, I felt it had to do with the earth and with animals. My natural inclination was to conceptualize and name this feeling. It was the word “FARM”. We need to give names and shapes to the vapors that are within us. Just like our Soul needs our body to navigate this world, so too with the Divine Whisperings in our Heart. These Divine Whisperings start at the ethers, and hopefully with our cooperation culminate by becoming form in the material world. These Divine Whisperings, when heeded take us through the syllabus of our life’s lesson plans, growth, and evolution.

Even though I had this feeling and this urge, I did nothing about it. It was a time in my life when I had deeply discounted my feelings and their relevance to the quality of my life. They were just there, but it was my mind that had ruled supremely and definitively. ‘Who needed feelings anyway?’, was how I lived my life. Oh my Word! How did I make it through that period my life? Very stubbornly! Today, I would honor that feeling and visit a farm, spend some time on a farm, and maybe even live on a farm. Nevertheless, I am quite certain now that somewhere from deep within me a radio feeling frequency signal was being emitted that said F •A •R •M. I should also point out that the first eight years of my life were spent on a farm. They were glorious years indeed. Eve though I did nothing about this                F •A •R •M desire, The Heavenly Realm was busy organizing and arranging my path toward F •A •R •M experiences. It was through the F •A •R •M experiences that I received joy, clarity, and eventual peace.

The first lesson on the F •A •R •M syllabus was a young gentleman whom I had met at a dance. He was an “aggie”, an undergrad student in the Faculty of Agriculture and was slated to take over his father’s farm, who had inherited it from his father. The farm was an entire section, or six hundred and forty acres.  It was both a cattle ranch and a harvesting farm.  That was a chunk of land and a chunk of responsibility.

I on the other hand was a business student who was going down the accounting path, because my mind told me that was the safe and logical way. People always needed and paid for accountants. Had I followed my Heart, I would have chosen a marketing major instead. I had also been drawn to psychology and considered it, but commerce had the strongest pull. Ironically, after I graduated and because of the economy, it took a while for me to find an apprenticeship  job in the accounting industry. Meanwhile, one summer break I had apprenticed as a marketing director with a restauranteur who had four Italian restaurants/lounges in the city. He was so pleased with the events and their success that I had planned and executed, that he had offered me a job once I graduated one year later. What did I say, “NO”. Why? Two very logical reasons: one, I wanted a professional accounting designation because I wanted the prestige of having “letters after my name”, and two, I was very rigid and had blinders on. As it turned out, a couple of years down the line, I had a falling out with the accounting path. Oh my Word! Lord have mercy on my stubbornness and please gently  remove my blinders. Amen and Thank You. Meanwhile, others had strongly urged me to go down the education path because of its stability and long summer vacations. That did sound appealing, but partly (well honestly, mostly) out of rebellion, i negated that path, because I wanted to choose and not be told which way to go! So there! There is that ego again. Another family member suggested I consider psychiatry, but the thought of being in school for years with all those science classes just did not sit well with me. In hindsight, all these paths and vocations amalgamated and have been developed, either in personal study, the situations I found myself in, or me eventually listening to my Heart and following my bliss.

Back to the aggie undergrad bachelor and the dance. We danced. We went out a few times. He was sweet, gentle, and kind. Then Easter break came along and he went back to his family and the farm which was a couple of hundred kilometers away.  But on Eater morning when I opened the front door I was de-lighted, surprised, and frightened. There was a box of chocolates, a stuffed bunny, and a sweet card with sweet words. He and everything was so sweet and gentle. Looking at these gifts, holding these gifts, feeling these gifts, eating the chocolates, and reading the words, did something to me. Even though I was not aware of this consciously, some deep part of me felt his intentions and his envisioning me as his his wife, co-cattle-rancher, and harvesting the land partner. It is like my deeper and subconscious self said, “we are taking over from here”, and I immediately shut down and distanced my self from him. It was not a conscious decision, it was me acquiescing to something greater than me and my logic. In hindsight my deep inside vision was not in alignment with his vision and our journey ended immediately. But I still was not at total peace on the inside that F •A •R •M was not the path for me. It was not yet a closed case nor a completed syllabus. Thus, I received another F •A •R •M Gift.

The next experience on the F •A •R •M course syllabus was something I never could have dreamed up of myself. I got a summer job at the Ukrainian Cultural Heritage Village in central Alberta whose website describes it as “an open-air museum where costumed role-players recreate the life of early Ukrainian pioneers that settled in east central Alberta from 1892-1930” (http://www.history.alberta.ca/ukrainianvillage/). Various original  buildings (farm houses, churches, stables, granaries, school houses, blacksmith shop, town shops) have been transported to and restored at the museum site. The role players represent the actual personages of the buildings. I was “randomly assigned” the role  Mrs. Anytsia Slemko, a woman married to a farmer by the name of Hrytz Slemko circa 1910. They had six children. They lived in a one room  wood and clay house with a thatched roof, a dirt floor, a clay oven, a wood burning stove, and a table like bed padded with a straw mattress upon which everyone slept together, all eight people. Great care was taken to recreate authenticity, and historical accuracy and integrity –  down to the black lace up ankle boots, long black wool skirt which showed just a little bit of the ankle, white plain bloomers, white button up blouse, and a head kerchief which all the married women wore.

For five to six days a week from 9:00 am to 5:00 pm I was a role playing married farm wife with six children – there was a role playing husband, but no children though – living in a clay house with no electricity, indoor plumbing, or a bathroom. We did have two real cows, several pigs and a small garden. We were literally transported back about one hundred years. Beyond amazing was this setup! I had a pretend husband. I hauled water in. I cooked on a wood burning oven. I made bread in the clay oven. And, once a week, on Saturday’s usually so that the house would be fresh and clean for the Lord’s Day, I made a manure mixture (cow manure mixed with water) in  a bucket and then spread the potion with a broom over the clay floor in the house. It kept the dust down and believe it or not, the flies out. I loved watching people’s faces, especially the children when they saw or heard of this ritual. Sometimes, I even asked the visitors if they would like to go with me to pick out the best cow manure pies! A common question that many visitors would ask with a wink was how we had the time and privacy to “make” six children if everyone slept together on the same bed in a one room house. We would pretend blush, be very shy about it, grin, and say something vague about meeting in the barn or that I would stay longer when I carried lunch and water out to Mr. Slemko on the field. Everyone would chuckle. It was clean and simple education and entertainment. Some would ask about my formal education, and I would reply back in very broken English that “Skul not for woman. Woman have house, children, husband, farm to take care of. No time for skul. Too much work learn to read. Husband read.”

Me as Mrs. Anytsia Slemko outside my/her one room for living clay house with a thatched roof. (Upon the entryway there was a cold room for food storage.)

Since the open air museum was about a half hour ride outside the city, the Alberta Government provided vans for group transportation. Our van had a Hawaiian Day theme. For the privacy of others, I covered people’s faces.

Even tough I had alternate husbands, there was one in particular who stands out in my memory and with whom I had “interesting” dynamics. He was an “authentic” Ukrainian, and not the second, third, or fourth generation watered down assimilated kind. He was a “real” Ukrainian. He was a veterinarian in Ukraine and had just emigrated to Canada. This was his first job and a way to acclimate before he took his Canadian veterinary certification exams. He was about ten years older than I and he teased me, a lot. He took the role playing to the extreme and would often say, “Wife make me some pyrohy. Wife, I want borscht for lunch. Woman, there is no water in the house. Go fetch me some water.” Or, “Woman sweep the house.” Oh & arrgh! This would send my blood curdling since I had been a flaming feminist at that time. So much so that when a gentleman/stranger opened the door for me, I would purposefully not go through that door, but open myself the other double door, go through it, and say to him, “This is the eighties/nineties, us women can do it ourselves.” Oh my! Lord have mercy, times three, on me and all those kind souls that I had been so cruel to.

One time this teasing “husband’s” comments sent me into such a huffy puffy inner dirt devil storm that I huffed, puffed, and stomped out of “our” little clay one room house with only two windows**. I fumed down the gravel road, raising the dust behind me and  not knowing where in particular I was going. Anywhere where he was not. Coincidentally enough, I found myself in one of the many churches that are on the grounds. I walked in and the church was empty. I had God and God’s Ear all to my self. I vented to God. I told God just how unreasonable, chauvinistically pretentious, and demanding my pretend husband was. After I calmed down, God said to “Go back. Your life lesson and semester are not over yet.” I listened to God. I obeyed God. I made peace with my pretend husband. I completed my role as Mrs. Anytsia Slemko to summer’s end.

I wanted the F •A •R •M life. I wanted life one hundred years back. I got what I wanted, and I realized didn’t like it. After the aggie gentleman encounter and the summer job as Mrs. Anytsia Slemko circa 1910, I was at peace on the inside that the Universe had indeed not made a mistake by letting me incarnate in the wrong era. Nothing was off course. Everything was on course. All was well. Now I could relax, be at peace, and fully embody my present place and state in life. How great and wonderful is that. It was a Gift beyond measure.

May you too find peace and joy in your journey of growth.                                          Abundant blessings,                                                                                                         Irena As I Am

 

**NOTE**                                                                                                                        The reason the house had only one window which faced west for sunlight and warmth was that in their former homeland of Rus, current day Ukraine and under the Austro-Hungarian Empire there was a tax on windows. The more widows a house had, the higher the taxes. The new immigrants, not yet fully knowing the British laws of Western Canada thought the same taxation rules applied and thus minimized the number of windows. Governments are so creative when it comes to taxation.