I had been waiting a long long long LONG time for some news. Years. And years, actually. I had been patient, and I had exerted enormous amounts of energy in staying patient, positive, and hopeful: energy which I could have used toward other endeavors. This waiting was like a constant cloud hovering over me and weighing down on me. This waiting was like trying to swim in the ocean with my legs chained together and weighted down with two steel balls around each ankle. Thus, rather than swimming and moving forward, the bulk of my energy went toward just keeping my head above water and not drowning.
The world and my ego told me “it was within my right” that I take matters into my own hands. The piece of paper and pen markings told me it was well within my jurisprudence that I “do something about it.” My own impatience and desire in moving forward nagged at me to “just do it. just be done with it”. Then there were those who sowed fear, or tried to sow fear into my heart by telling me about all the things that could happen if I didn’t do something. One person even said, “that is why God made lawyers.”
With all this overwhelming evidence, validation, and tidal wave toward a certain path, there was something deep within me that said to the contrary, “Wait. You don’t know everything that is going on. You can’t see everything that is going on. Wait on Us. Let Us take care of this – peacefully, amicably, and in a mutually beneficial manner. Trust Us.”
“Arrgh! How much longer do You expect me to wait! Haven’t I been patient long enough? Hasn’t the statute of limitations on patience long ago expired? I want this resolved, NOW!”, was my emotional volley back over the fence and into the Divine’s Court. And, I also asked Them for guidance toward leading me to a helper in the human court. But no such doors opened up, no coincidences transpired, no path presented itself, nothing that felt right – to my dismay and discouragement.
And then, like always, They surprised me with Their Wisdom filled response,
“SweetHeart, you only see the now. We see eternity. We see how each action or lack of it reverberates into eternity. If you follow through on your sense of self-entitlement it will create a cascade of negative karma for you and for others for lifetimes to come. If you allow yourself to be at the mercy of these ego-based emotions you will keep alive the fear based Soul contract between you and the other party/parties. You may receive short term relief but it will be at the expense of long term peace. If you succumb to your ego in this situation, you will be ruled by your ego for lifetimes to come. This is is your opportunity of a lifetime to let Love into this Soul contract and let Love resolve this in Love’s Way, once and for all time. If you let Love resolve this, you will be freed totally and completely, in eternity. If you let Love handle this in Love’s Way, your yoke will then be Light. We leave the decision in your hands.”
Well, after that Deep Divine Insight, I knew I had only one choice: wait on Love. But that does not mean that the human side in me still found it easy to “wait”. No, on the contrary, it took a lot of energy and effort to keep myself distracted, entertained, occupied, and at peace in the waiting. It took an ABUNDANCE OF GRACE to keep me on track. It took an abundance of prayer, meditation, journaling, and time with the Eucharist.
It also helped that at the time I had a friend whose lone voice said, “Ah, just let it go.”
“OK. Will do.”, I sighed reluctantly, and then we’d go off on an adventure.
By the Grace of God, I listened to my Heart and to my friend. God always sends us angels and support. All we need are eyes that see, ears that hear, and a discerning and humble Heart. Pray for that, every day.
During these years in waiting there had been a social media image that resonated deeply with me because it had portrayed my situation. It was a picture of a beautiful butterfly which had a string or chain tied to her body and at the end of the string chain was a steel ball. It showed the butterfly hovering just slightly above a flight of stone stairs which seemed to be leading up and out of the dungeon. But yet the butterfly could only fly as far as the length of the chain. It made my Heart ache and eyes weep.
This past summer I was getting to a point of not being able to take it anymore. I am human after all. In my mind, I had built up an image of this other person and the image was slathered in sludge. Around this time I also got a strong inclination to go on a fast. In the past, fasting has brought about miracles in my life. The fast that I went on was The Master Cleanse. It was my one of my go to fasts. I find that when I refrain from food, it gives me crystal clear clarity. It was also a fast that I see as deeply symbolic – it helped cleanse me of the masters in my life – the ego masters that had ruled me and kept me from living more in alignment with Love. I also got the impression to do either seven or eight days of the Master Cleanse within a certain month. In the past I would have done it the seven to eight days in a row. But since I have also been on a gentle journey, the peace pilgrim journey, this time round I spread it out over the entire month, meaning that I would do one or two days a week, either consecutive or dispersed. I was going to go with the Flow and decide day by day. About half way into this fast, I got the strong message to “call the other party”. Up to this point, we had not had any verbal communication in years, only rare emails relating to the issue.
That phone call was a miracle. And, it was miracle producing.
I heard the other person’s voice and in their voice I heard their story and I heard their Heart through their voice. I just KNEW they were speaking the truth. I knew that the delay had been legitimate and out of their control. And then, the person said something which completely took me by surprise, God has a way of doing that when you humble yourself before God, and the person said, “I pray for you everyday.”
I was so stunned, that I didn’t know what to say. And then with those words sinking into my being, the volcano of anger that had been bubbling in me, building in me, and attempting to bully me into war, was INSTANTANEOUSLY put out. In it’s place PEACE took residence. I instantly forgave this person. It was a miracle the equivalent of the parting of the sea. It gave me passage from hardness, anger, bitterness, thoughts of revenge occupying my mind, to the Promised Land of Peace in my Heart.
Had I taken matters in to my own hands, had I taken the logical route with legal action, I would have created a quagmire mess the size of which I just know I would have drowned in. The person said that everything would be resolved in three months time. After waiting for this for years, three months seemed like a short duration. But then, three months came and went, and… nothing happened. Oh, the “thoughts” that came into my mind.
Around this time I was going about my day with these “thoughts” flooding me when out of the blue a child presented me with a Gift. This is a child that I see from time to time in passing and have just a casual connection with. The child said that they thought of me and made a butterfly for me. I was STUNNED. I just knew deep within that this child was an angel telling me that all will be well – that the butterfly will be freed. The depth of gratitude and humility in the way of God gave me awe and wonder and strength to keep hanging on and waiting for God.
As it turned out, everything was resolved eventually. The delays were just part of the process. Sometimes, things just take more time than we anticipate. In the meantime, pray, trust God, and be on the look out for sings.
Abundant Grace and God’s Choicest Blessings, Irena As I Am
PS SIGNS As things were being wrapped up, I received a call by accident from an independent third party who was doing the wrapping up. The independent third party thought they were calling somebody else and after my “hello”, they immediately went into a monologue about how frustrated they were with all the delays. Wow! All I could do was thank God, profusely for this “coincidence”.
Then, another person, completely unrelated to the above issue and knowing of it was telling me about their disappointment and frustration with a certain institution. This was the same institution that was delaying my/our resolution. Wow! And wow! All I could think of, just how creative and to the great lengths that God went to in communicating with us and letting us know “God is with us”.
I received three signs: the butterfly, the misplaced phone call, and the institutional similarity story. This is just BEYOND amazing! Amen Thank You God