My Life Here

  • My life is here and not there
  • My life is finally for me to dare


  • If i were there
  • My Soul would wither in despair


  • If i were there
  • My Heart would atrophy from lack of air


  • If i were there
  • My Mind would suffocate from conversational bare


  • If i were there
  • My Spirit would tear beyond repair


  • There, i would be a fake
  • My Being living in constant authenticity ache 


  • I had been born to listen, obey, and please
  • By the Grace of God, I fulfilled all of my Soul duties 


  • I’ve paid my dues and put in my time
  • So that now I get to discover my Shine


  • By the Grace of God, I now have the liberty to do as I like 
  • I am learning what it means to have my own psych


  • As long as I am here
  • My Soul has my ear


  • As long as I am here
  • My Heart is very near


  • As long as I am here
  • My Mind has many tiers


  • As long as I am here
  • My Spirit is my sightseer


  • Here I am discovering me, As I Am
  • My Being is as happy as a pearl in a clam


  • Ahhh, Dear God, you have a moment, just one small itsy bitsy existential question…
  • What, oh what, path shall i take so that i do not make a missed take!?!
  • Oh Darlin’! Worry not, and lighten up those deep blue eyes,
  • The future is not for you to surmise 
  • Just take your foot off of the brake 
  • And as your Soul sails, follow Its joyful wake
  • All you need do is “worship the Living God”
  • And you will always be led with a Lovely Light rod


  • From the depths of my Soul,
  • “Eli! Eli! Why have You” loved me so deeply 
  • So as to liberate me completely
  • How can I ever repay You
  • For giving me my Soul, back to me.

It’s all Grace. It’s all a Gift, SweetHeart. You chose to accept it. You choose to do The Work. Worthy you are. It is there for All, should they so choose for themselves.

  • Irena As I Am                                                                                                                   06.13.2018

Why Such Brutality in Love

If God is a God of Love, then,

  • Why did Jesus have to experience such brutality?
  • Why did  Jesus have to go through the torturous and humiliating passion?
  • Why did Jesus have to die a death of agony through the crucifixion?
  • Why was Love so brutish to Love Themselves?
  • Why did Love not just find a more gentle and loving way of demonstrating Their love to us and for us? After all, anything and everything is possible with God.
  • Why did Love choose The Way it did for our salvation?
  • Why did Love not just go from the Letter of the Law to the Law of Love in a more “humane” Way?
  • If God is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, and eternal, why not just “offer” it to us as a Gift, like so many other Gifts that are given to us?
  • Why put Themselves through such agony?
  • Why does this Gift have to come dripping with blood, skin lacerations, humiliation and ridicule, a crown of thorns, spikes through the flesh, and eventual death through asphyxiation?

God breathed life into Adam by blowing Their Breath into Adam’s lung. And then, God took away Their Life by denying that very same Breath to Themselves in a torturous manner. WhyWhyWhyWhy?

When I have asked others, the answers have varied but the most standard reply has been “love”. I get it. But it still does not silence and give peace to my “why”.

Whenever I ask God the “Why?” question, I always get the same response: “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth…tell Me if you understand such things.” Job 38 (For the full Chapter of God’s questions/statements to Job’s “Why?” question, see below this article.) This response always lets me know gently that i am way out of my league in even asking the “Why?” question. Its natural implication is that i TRUST and keep going. Sometimes, on the rare occasion or in time, the “why” is shown to me. I have realized that with God, I am on a “need to know basis”.

Annually, when we celebrate The Passion in Holy Week, it almost feels like we keep reinforcing and reigniting the brutality by going there, being there, and partaking in it. It almost feels sadistic. And yet, as I reflect over my life’s journey, I have felt a deep connection to the various  people in the Holy Week events. Yes, I have felt that I have been the victim, the allower, the betrayer, the observer, the one who would not stand up to the crowd, the accuser, the plotter, the warner, the mocker, the nail driver, the cross carrier assistant, the self-righteous one, and,  the weeper and wailer, oh yes, very much the weeper and wailer.

And yet, simultaneously, in my journey, Holy Week, with all its brutality and eventual Resurrection has been comforting and healing. By associating with the various roles, it has helped me process my thoughts and emotions in my journey. Crying silently in public, in church with others as nonactive, silent, non-aware witnesses is reassuring. Seeing others cry is bonding. It takes great courage being so vulnerable in public. I see them in a different light. I see more of their Hearts and not just their external persona and projection. This is a wonderful and Grace filled moment.

However, as of the past few years, my perception is and has been shifting. As i am, and have been embracing the concept that The Soul chooses or is Divinely assigned certain lessons for growth and evolution, i am now realizing that “the victim” outlook is no longer fitting. i have now even reached a point to where i am GRATEFUL for the “thorns, scouragings, mockery, and betrayal” in my journey. I now see that these experiences actually SERVED me because they purified me and humbled me. Although, it certainly did not feel like it when in the midst of the lesson. They helped me get a better grip of my ego/pride. They helped me reign in my wild and untamed ego. They helped me get closer to God like i had never imaged i could. Now, is that not a wonderful Gift.

And then, the Resurrection. Oh! That glorious Resurrection. Being in a sanctuary full of like minded Minds, Hearts, Spirits, and Voices all singing, praising, and worshiping, is a holy gathering. It is heaven on earth.  The unity and the focused energy strengthens my faith, my hope, and my resolve for the journey. I learn from others and grow stronger through their example of faith. Onward seems not only possible, but inevitable. It is like the Light in our individual Spirits and Souls gets brighter and recharged when it is near others praying, worshiping, and reverencing God. This is a beautiful Gift. For this i am beyond grateful.

Will i ever in this earthen journey understand why Jesus’ last few hours were so heart wrenching? Probably not. i am quite certain that most likely i will find out upon reuniting with Him in full Spirit. Until then, i keep on trusting and taking the next step in my faith journey.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength. 1 Corinthians 1

Abundant Wisdom, Love, Blessings, and Trust,                                                             Irena As I Am                                                                                                      03/31/2018


The Book of Job, Chapter 38, NIV

The Lord Speaks

1Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:

2“Who is this that obscures my plans

with words without knowledge?

3Brace yourself like a man;

I will question you,

and you shall answer me.

4“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?

Tell me, if you understand.

5Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!

Who stretched a measuring line across it?

6On what were its footings set,

or who laid its cornerstone—

7while the morning stars sang together

and all the angelsa shouted for joy?

8“Who shut up the sea behind doors

when it burst forth from the womb,

9when I made the clouds its garment

and wrapped it in thick darkness,

10when I fixed limits for it

and set its doors and bars in place,

11when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;

here is where your proud waves halt’?

12“Have you ever given orders to the morning,

or shown the dawn its place,

13that it might take the earth by the edges

and shake the wicked out of it?

14The earth takes shape like clay under a seal;

its features stand out like those of a garment.

15The wicked are denied their light,

and their upraised arm is broken.

16“Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea

or walked in the recesses of the deep?

17Have the gates of death been shown to you?

Have you seen the gates of the deepest darkness?

18Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?

Tell me, if you know all this.

19“What is the way to the abode of light?

And where does darkness reside?

20Can you take them to their places?

Do you know the paths to their dwellings?

21Surely you know, for you were already born!

You have lived so many years!

22“Have you entered the storehouses of the snow

or seen the storehouses of the hail,

23which I reserve for times of trouble,

for days of war and battle?

24What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,

or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?

25Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain,

and a path for the thunderstorm,

26to water a land where no one lives,

an uninhabited desert,

27to satisfy a desolate wasteland

and make it sprout with grass?

28Does the rain have a father?

Who fathers the drops of dew?

29From whose womb comes the ice?

Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens

30when the waters become hard as stone,

when the surface of the deep is frozen?

31“Can you bind the chainsb of the Pleiades?

Can you loosen Orion’s belt?

32Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasonsc

or lead out the Beard with its cubs?

33Do you know the laws of the heavens?

Can you set up God’se dominion over the earth?

34“Can you raise your voice to the clouds

and cover yourself with a flood of water?

35Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?

Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?

36Who gives the ibis wisdomf

or gives the rooster understanding?g

37Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?

Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens

38when the dust becomes hard

and the clods of earth stick together?

39“Do you hunt the prey for the lioness

and satisfy the hunger of the lions

40when they crouch in their dens

or lie in wait in a thicket?

41Who provides food for the raven

when its young cry out to God

and wander about for lack of food?Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Can you tell me?

Relationship Status: Very Complicated

My relationship status with eating meat, and especially beef, is very complicated. Aaaahh, I thought that becoming more aware and more feeling would make life simple, and it has, but it has also made it much more complex.

Long long time ago, before the awakening of my awareness and my deep deep feeling, I used to eat meat easily, readily, heartily, and frequently. I was a voracious carnivore. The flesh of another was my sustenance. None of them were safe: pigs and piglets, cows and calves, chickens and other avians, fish and crustaceans – all were fair game.

That was, until my journey showed me what was truly happening and how it was affecting me, my energy, my vibration/frequency, and how that was coming back to me: boomeranging back at me with greater intensity.

As I delved deeper  into eating clean and living clean, into understating how my nutritional choices and product choices were creating ripple effects into my body, my energy, my life, and even into the world, I began to realize, see, and feel just how “ONE” we really are with everything and everyone. When I asked for this Gift, I thought I would get a simple formula. On the contrary, I instead received a “world tour” of how my choices affect the Universe. Furthermore, these choices are like avalanches or a tsunami, they start small, but build in strength, power, force, and impact. My, your, our choices are not inconsequential. They reflect our values and priorities. They reflect how and what we LOVE.

My journey unfolded in three different area: meat, personal care products, house hold products, clothing. Here and today, I will only discuss meat.

MEAT                                                                                                                          When I opened myself up to being more aware about meat several things happened. First, I came across vegans and vegetarians and PETA. They were everywhere: people I met, conversations that arose, social media feeds, auto stickers, youtube vides, books, articles, TED talks… Then the movie “TEMPLE GRANDIN” showed up in my path. She is an autistic woman who has a doctoral degree in animal science and revolutionized the cattle industry. I saw things in the movie and other videos that disturbed me, troubled me, and made me crycrycrycrycry. Event now when I think about it I am crying as I write this. Next I saw PETA videos of animal “factories”. These did more than just make me cry and break my heart, they sent me into a deep pit of sorrow and sadness and even despair, borderline depression. The violence. The sadness. The agony. The torture of being caged up with no room to move.

How could I eat meat after seeing all these images? The images would appear to me if I even thought about eating meat. How could I condone and be a contributor to all this violence by partaking in it? How could I put this violence energy – the slaughter, the factory conditions – into my body? I couldn’t (for a long while). I could feel their despair. I could feel their fear. I could feel their incarceration. I could feel their slaughter. I wanted noting to do with this violence.

The next level of this Gift was my journey into Shamanism. Here the animals showed me their Minds, Hearts, Spirits, and Life Force Energy. I no longer saw them as objects and separate from me. I now felt at one with them and at one in their soul’s journey. I now saw them as my bothers and sisters in Christ. My soul was in a hu/wo/man body, while their soul was in an animal body. We both need and want the same things in life: peace, health, safety, joy, love, expression, FREEDOM, community, and prosperity. (Side note: everything has a soul: a rock, a tree, a body of water, house, vehicle, smartphone, spoon, hammer, towels… Everything is soul. Everything is God Energy. Everything is Holy.) Thus, I began to see, feel, and know them as me. A hamburger was no longer just a hamburger, for me it began to feel like I was eating my sister, or eating a part of me. I felt like a cannibal.

The natural and obvious solution was to become a vegan or a vegetarian eater. Several times over the past decade I have tried. Th longest I lasted was about thirty to forty days. Each time toward the end of the journey or fast, I reached a point of shakes, lightheadedness, very low energy, and just a feeling of weakness and inertness. I began to feel as though I was shutting down and opening myself up to serious mental, emotional and physical consequences. I just knew that if I did not eat meat, I would die in time. And thus the very complex dilemma: in order for me to not just survive, but thrive, I needed to eat the flesh of another; another had to sacrifice their life for me; another had to die so that I could live; another’s blood shedding was my blood’s enlivening. The death of another meant that I could live. It was the Cross. It was the voluntary act of Jesus going to the Cross. It was the Blood of Christ enlivening and strengthening my Spirit.

(Note: He was not a victim. He said “YES”, a trepidatious “yes”, but it was still a “yes”. Before His Blood was shed on the Cross, It first seeped out of His Pores in the garden the night before. That’s how afraid He was.)

Saving Grace

In the angst is also the relief. Grace opened me up and showed me the shadow side of this journey on earth. Grace showed me that sacrifice is part of The Way. Sacrifice is heart wrenching and necessary and a requirement for and by all. Grace also gave me the coping tools with which to nourish my body without crying and feeling guilty.

The first Gift was the book “Eat Right for Your Blood Type” by Dr. Peter J. D’Adamo. I am blood type O, the universal donor. Blood type Os need red meat.

The second Gift was Pablo, a friend who grew up on a family ranch in Arizona. He told me how at the age of ten or eleven his grandfather made him go and put a bullet in between the eyes of a cow the had raised as a calf, his friend. He was also required to do this to rabbits and pigs. He told me how sick it made it him to do it. He also told me how necessary it was. Listening to him mirror back to me my inner workings gave me validation, justification, and a little bit of peace of mind.

The third Gift was the Native American Way. They were/are masterful shape shifters. They could/can visit/enter/meld with the SpiritFlesh of an animal (temporarily – such stories I have heard). They lived/live at One with Mother Nature. They understand Her. They respect Her. They receive from Her sustenance. I learned that before they would go on a buffalo hunt, they would pray/mediate/chant in advance and connect with the spirit of the sacrificing  buffalo. They would thank the buffalo spirit in advance for offering him/her self up to them as food, as sustenance. They understood that it was a Gift from the buffalo. They understood that it was also a Sacrifice on the part of the buffalo. It was a mutual understanding. It was a Soul Contract. Even though at the Spirit level both parties are aware of this, it still does not make the doing of the “deed” any much easier.

The fourth Gift  was a brief minute conversation in passing. I was at a conference and outside the lecture hall was a table/booth set up by the Arizona Beef Council. The representative was a young lady who had grown up on a family ranch. I told her of my inner turmoil when I ate beef. She gave me a perspective that shed a different light on things. She did not call it “slaughter”, she called it “harvesting”. A euphemism, I thought and said. But she went on to explain that every part of the cow is used for something. Nothing goes to waste. Beef byproducts are ingredients for a variety of items such as surgical sutures, tires, instrument strings… Wise stewardship is being practised. Even if one as vegan, the chances that animal byproducts are in their life are high.

The fifth Gift was Whole Foods. When I first entered this store, long long time ago ( and long before the Amazon marriage), I thought I had entered a different universe. The products, the origins of the products, the focus of the products, the labelling, the people were all so unique and foreign. It was “conscious capitalism”, or a conscious market place. It mattered where the ingredients came from. It mattered how they were harvested. It mattered the impact the product had on the farmer and the environment. It mattered that the farmer was being paid well for their contribution. It mattered where the animal came from and how they were respected in their life journey.  If I were going to eat meat, if I was going to put the energy of the flesh of another into my body, if I was going to absorb the life force of an animal and their experience here on earth, I was going to do my best in making choices that were based on love, respect, and dignity.

The sixth Gift was my understanding and feeling of energy. I realized, or it was shown to me, that if I eat of an animal that is caged all its life, like chickens, I bring in that “caged” energy into my being and my frequency. By eating this vibration I am being this vibration: like attracts like. Thus, it became imperative for me to eat eggs from chickens that roamed in the fields, felt the sunshine on their bodies, stretched their wings, and lived as pleasant a life as possible. Happy hens make happy eggs. Hens who roam in the fields, feel the sunshine, and scratch the dirt and grass, make wholesome eggs filled with LOVE.

The seventh Gift was the Bible. Although it sends contradictory messages when it comes to the eating of meat (and in other topics), it resonated with me that it was ok to do so.

This meat eating journey has taken me deep into the shadows, but within the shadows there were guides and Light sent to show me The Way out and how to eat meat, righteously. I see this same pattern in all my journeys. Each time a new path of Awareness is presented to me, it is by going into the shadow that that is where the Light out is shown. The awareness comes, the light is shone in the darkness. The supposedly  random meetings and conversations, well, they were all preordained and predestined. Then we have a choice to make as to how we will live our loves and lives.

I have also realized that the more wholesome, clean, and as much organic as possible the food that I eat, the less of it I need because it is more delicious and nutritious. My body is satisfied and satiated with less food. My meals are also more simpler. And, I’ve stopped taking vitamins.

In this journey I’ve realized everything and everyone is a sacrifice: even the carrots, beets, apples, walnuts, and fresh cut flowers. We are called called to sacrifice ourselves for the other. The BIG question is, “how do I sacrifice?”, “what am I called to sacrifice?”. The answer is with the Divine, and not the ego or others’ expectations. When we sacrifice in alignment with the Divine, it is filled with Grace and it is life giving to both the giver and the receiver. Remember, Christ’s crucifixion was only one day in the entirety of His Life. The remainder of His Life was relatively “normal” of eating, drinking, sleeping, grooming, working, gathering, worshipping, preaching, healing, and sharing. He chose to go to His crucifixion. In doing so He Rose and filled us with His strength, power, mercy, forgiveness, and LOVE.

Thus, be not afraid of the shadows dancing about you and inviting you in. Gird yourself with Love and Light, and trust the journey already has a predestined Light Out-Come.

I invite you to think about or research your purchasing decisions that you make all the way back to the source. Consider all the people it took for your product or service to arrive to you. Consider their working conditions. Consider the lives of the animals.

Consider if you could make a choice based on more LOVE.

Abundant Grace, Wisdom, and Love,                                                                                Irena As I Am                                                                                                      01/27/2018

Spiritual Hoity-Toity

Pride is a very sneaky and clever intruder. It slithers in very covertly. One does not even recognize that one is at its mercy until hopefully just knee deep into it and not in way over their head. This is true in any area of our lives, even in and especially in the spiritual or awareness journey. It is called the “holier than thou” syndrome, or being a spiritual hoity-toity.

I first embarked on the spiritual journey in the late 1990’s (about 20 years ago) primarily out of necessity to “fix” myself, those around me (ha! was i in for a cold shower of awakening – more like a skinny dip in the Arctic Ocean) and my life. It was not based on a conscious choice to become a better huwom/man being. It was out of desperation. I was seeking a panacea tool, a magic wand that would make all the problems and  the problem people go away, while simultaneously materializing the perfect me, others, life, and material items that i deemed necessary for my joy, fulfillment, and ego gratification. Oh my dear word. Just look at that wish list. There was definitely going to be a lot of pruning in my journey, unbeknownst to me. I am grateful though that built into me, was the predisposition to turn toward God and prayer as a coping and healing mechanism, as opposed to say, drugs/alcohol, gambling, food, shopping, entertainment…  . Now, that’s not to say my coping mechanism was “holier than though”, but I think it was probably a more gentler way of coping and healing for me. And that is not to say, that at some level and at some point in time, I did not turn to external distractions or other external self-medicating activities, but the primary and central “go to relief pill” for me was prayer, religion, and eventually spirituality. In hindsight, it was an abundance of grace that turned my focus, attention, and energy in this direction. Also, my upbringing probably contributed much too. There was a heavy imprint in and on me toward prayer and religion.  They were the hub from which all other spokes of my life originated from and had revolved around.

As I began on this path of spirituality and awareness, I noticed that after a certain amount of spiritual “work”, eventually I would be blessed with an “aha” moment. In this aha moment a revelation would flood my being  and my understanding. It would either elate me as it brought me into a new paradigm of understating, or it would require even more work from me as it would ask me to make some drastic changes in my life. My initial response to the Divine request for change was either bartering, whining, and/or  debating with God. “Did You really say that?” or “Do You really want me to do that?” or “God, are You sure that is wise?” I would volley back and forth with God in my Heart and thoughts. The other two responses that God would get from me were either denial that I had heard God right, and lastly, procrastination. But eventually, I obeyed. Either way, it was all grace. I knew that, and I thanked God for it.  And, it took some time for me to recognize it, but another feeling would creep in very subtly: spiritual pride/arrogance, or feeling spiritually superior, or bowing at the spiritual hoity-toity god of awareness. It was the looking down upon others who were walking around in darkness in an area where I had been shown “the light” that spiritual hoity-toityism showed itself.

Now, is there anything more dangerous and arrogant than taking a Gift of Light and using it as a form of judgement against others or elevating oneself. Most certainly Jesus never did this. On the contrary He used His Gift of Light to enlighten, uplift, and liberate those who turned to Him. He was humble and merciful in that He did not hold it over others nor judge them, and He was powerful in that He used it to bring about the Kingdom of Love in these people’s Hearts, minds, relationships, and lives. For the most part, He practiced patience, compassion, and Love.

With each aha I had to remind myself that it did not come from me or was the result of all the work I did,  but rather it was all Grace and it was all a Gift.

Whenever, I forgot this and found myself thinking else wise, soon with time I would be shown just how little I really knew or how much farther I had yet to go. I was in for a humbling lesson. The person whom I would lay judgement upon would say or do something that astounded me in their Divine Wisdom. Or, that person would have another gift or talent that I would, oh my, confession time, envy. But yet again I was comparing myself. In one instance it was how high I stacked up against them, and in the other instance it was how high they stacked up against me. Comparison: same coin, different sides. Comparison is a sure way to a bloated or deflated ego. Neither feeling is Divinely Inspired. We are each on our own journey of Love and evolution. Everyone’s pace is perfect for them.

However, we do not live in a self-absorbed bubble of it’s just me and God in here. We were made for God and for each other. Our stories, used in the right light and way can serve as gifts for change for others. They can be catalysts for conversion. The sharing of our stories is a revelation of how God works with each one of us with the material of our present day life in order bless us with greater Love, should we choose to accept it. Thus one remedy that I have found in being useful in staying humble in whatever journey of ascension we are on is seeing everyone and everything as our teacher and we theirs. God works through everyone and everything. The key is having eyes that see, ears that hear, and an open mind and Heart for receiving the messages, and then the humility and courage in changing.

But blessed are your eyes because they see,                                                          and your ears because they hear.                                                                             (and your will that is humble, reverent, and obedient to God)                                       Matthew 13

Another remedy is sharing our stories of God’s Love. When we share how God has blessed and healed us, we bring hope to others. We bring hope and light into the darkness that may be holding others down, hostage, or frozen in fear. Hope is like a warm light that melts the ice berg of indecision or inaction. Hope is the light that makes the path less dark, or it can completely dispel the dark. Stories of God’s Love are Soul fuel for the journey.

Lastly, just like varying landscapes or shades of a rose, stories also offer us contrast. We see ourselves in others and others can see themselves in us. We are not then isolated in a tunnel experience thinking we are the only ones feeling this way. If we look at it in the right light or frame of mind, we can use the material of the story as inspiration for change, an example to strive forward, a call to help/action, and/or an invitation to pray for others or a cause. Stories show us just how much alike we all are. Stories keep us humble.

One of the Gifts of the Holy Spirit is Right Judgement. With Divine right judgement we can receive a spiritual gift and turn it into a blessing for ourselves and others. Spiritual Soul ahas are like holy bread for the Soul. They give nourishment. They sustain. They are Soul comfort food. They give us hope, faith, and strength for the journey. With Divine right judgement we can use our ahas as yeast to make even more wonderful bread – bread which feeds the Soul’s hunger for Love, Light, Truth, Wisdom, and Beauty. With Divine right judgment we can take an aha and multiply its blessing. Without Divine right judgement, a beautiful aha, if left to the mercy of the ego can turn into spiritual pride, hoarding or not sharing, and thus not feeding others with holy bread. Don’t do this. Share when Divinely inspired to do so. And share generously.

It’s all a Gift and may Divine right judgement direct your actions,                                          Irena As I Am