We Are Messed Up

His name is Maverick. He is a dog. He lives with his human companion in our neighborhood. I think about him quite often even though I have had only several brief encounters with him in the past five or so months. Normally, most dogs when out on a walk are very friendly and looking to be lavishly loved upon by any willing passer by. But not Maverick. Every time I have come across him he growls viscously, bares his teeth, charges at me, and barks like he means it. It is not an honorary “I’m doing my job” dog bark, but rather, he barks like he wants to sink his teeth into some flesh. He barks like his life depended on his bark warding others off.

After a couple of these encounters, before I knew his name, I asked Maverick’s human companion who had a tight grip on his leash, whether Maverick was friendly or not.

The man holding the leash replied,                                                                                 “We just got back from Iraq from a tour of duty.                                                           We’re messed up.”

“Oh. Dear God”, I thought. And, I was so caught off guard by that TRUTH and the depth of its emotional repercussions, that I did not know how to reply. I think I said something that I hope that they both realize that they are in a different place and space, that they find peace and calm, and that they realize they are in peace and calm.

Then, as they went their way and I mine, and we passed by each other within a few feet, I FELT them. I felt their emotional struggles, their pain, and their fears: the fear, stress, and strain of always being “on guard”, the constant fear that their safety is never a sure thing, the fear of watching every step, the fear of not knowing if the ground below is safe to step on (IED -improvised explosive device), the fear of who or what may be around the corner, the fear that at any moment a  bullet may come from any direction, the fear that everyone they meet may be “out to get them”, the fear they may be killed and not live to tomorrow. Even though they were out of Iraq, Iraq was still not out of them. Iraq was still in their mental framework. The constant hyper-vigilance was still in their system and aura.

The Bunker Effect                                                                                                            A couple of years ago I attended a one day seminar with Rob Bell and Elizabeth Gilbert*, author of “Eat, Pray, Love” and “Magic (and other books too) at Los Angles’ Wanderlust. At one point a lady in the audience spoke about a period of about 10 years in her life  where there was much chaos and tumultuousness. However, she was now in a peaceful and calm place, but because for such a long time she was always on edge and tense waiting for “the other shoe to drop” that she could not relax and calm down. She was still always on edge. Rob Bell called this “The Bunker Effect”. The war is over on the outside, but on the inside the person is still in hyper-vigilant mode. Then he gave her some tips on how to relax, calm down, and settle into this new reality of peace.

The Soldier and Maverick were in this phase of healing The Bunker Effect, or as is commonly known PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. That’s just part of the emotional exchange/download that I felt or experienced when we passed by each other. There were also all the images that they had seen and that had been imprinted on their Beings. The images of poverty, abuse, bombed out buildings and streets, and children and people with scars, wounds, and missing limbs. The images and experiences of their cohorts – some of which may have not come back. All of this, and more I am gathering was in their being, their sphere, their aura.

As we passed each other, I did not  actually “think” all those above things, it is only now in writing about the encounters that I am conceptualizing/articulating the flooding of emotions I felt  upon passing by them. In the most recent encounter I was heading toward my vehicle when I came upon them and that is when The Soldier told me why Maverick was so vigilant and constantly on offense mode. We spoke for not even a minute before they went on their way, but as I sat behind the steering wheel, the effect of that brief encounter triggered a flood of tears out me. I sat and cried until the tears stopped flowing. I have learned it is much better and healthier to let the flow of tears take their natural course as opposed to opposing and suppressing them.

Here Come the Tears                                                                                                        I cried and cried and cried. I cried with them. I cried for them. I cried for the soldiers, civilians, birds and animals. I cried for all of humanity. I cried for peace. And, I cried for myself. My tears were my prayer and my offering. My tears were my urgent plea for greater Grace and Healing  in the Minds and Hearts of suffering men and women. My tears were for the softening of Hearts and the opening of Minds. As I write this, again i am crying for Maverick, The Soldier, All, The Birds and Animals, and me. The suffering of one is the suffering of all (and vice versa too). Thanks to them, I soaked several tissues.

This is one soldier and one dog on their new path of healing their past journey and memories. As I begin to extrapolate this couple to all the soldiers, dogs, civilians, animals around the world that are or have experienced such trauma in their lives it overwhelms me. If I harp on it too long, it paralyzes me emotionally. This is why I can no longer read or watch the news. I had asked for the Gift of Feeling, since for a large portion of my life I suppressed and oppressed my feelings, and I received that Gift, abundantly. Little did I know that in The Gift of Feeling it not only attuned me to me, but to the Oneness of us All. With everything there are two sides of the coin, a blessing side and a side of responsibility in living with and managing the blessing.

I also saw and felt the bond and closeness between Maverick and The Soldier. I felt the deep love and trust they had for and toward each other. I saw how Maverick, who was an Iraqi native and was found and trained and served with and then brought to the USA by The Soldier, was wholeheartedly devoted to protecting his friend, family, and companion. I saw how The Soldier was fond of Maverick and that the canine’s presence was soothing and comforting to him.

They kept each other safe, sane, together and composed as best as they could. Their love gave warmth and comfort to their Hearts and lives. This side of their relationship was a Gift to behold.

And then I thought, maybe they are my mirrors. “They say” everything and everyone are a reflection of some accept of ourselves. My fears do not revolve around actual bombs, bullets, snipers, IEDs, and ambushes. But there was a long period in my life where I too had been in constant hyper-vigilant mode. We all have those periods where “We’re Messed Up” or where we come out of “The Bunker”. Then a new season comes in and it then takes an enormous amount of awareness, humility, and energy to let go of one season and embrace the next. Alone, this is not possible. With Grace and with The Gift of Others whom God places in out lives, this is very possible and doable. All we need do is invoke God’s Wisdom and Grace in each and every day, hour, moment  of our lives.

May God grant us all the Grace and Humility in being present and trusting to and in each season.

God Bless You,                                                                                                                  Irena As I Am                                                                                                           03/08/2018

*NOTE about Elizabeth Gilbert                                                                                           In the weeks and days leading up to this seminar, I really really really wanted to see Elizabeth Gilbert in person, outside of the seminar. And lo and behold it came to pass. It was outside the restroom. I walked out of the restroom and there she was in the hallway waiting in line. I knew the Universe set this up for the two of us. We had a brief chat and then exchanged a warm hug**. Her books have had a profound effect of my life and thus, seeing her in person and expressing my gratitude was a Gift beyond joy.

**NOTE NOTE about hug with Elizabeth Gilbert                                                                  The chat was going really really well and we were connecting, Soul to Soul, and then my ego stepped in and asked if I could take a picture with the two of us. At that point she closed up and the conversation ended very shortly after that.  Ah!

Not Too Thrilled About It

Confession that is. Or, as it is now called, reconciliation. But I still go anyway because my Soul yearns for it, needs it, and nudges me toward it. Sometimes the nudges are gentle, and sometimes they are persistent, imploring, and demanding. Either way, the Whisperings of the Holy Spirit in my Heart can be like a bear for me to go and bare my soul to a man whose vocation is the priesthood. And when I do go, afterwards, a deep inner and profound peace both descends upon me and rises up from within me.

Yes, I know that technically I don’t need an “intermediary” between me and God. I know I can speak with God on my own and present to God how I could have done better or how I have “missed the mark” (sin definition). I know I can whisper it to God in a quiet moment when I am reflecting upon my day. I know I can speak it out loud while praying privately, driving, walking, or stretching my body. I know I can even yell it out loud, and I have, if it is a particularly disturbing feeling. I know I can cry it out of me when I am feeling profoundly moved by my shortcomings. I know I can journal it out of me and lay it down on paper which came from a  tree. I know I can then light a candle and burn away my indiscretions and turn them into a burnt offering.

I have done all these things, and more.                                                                           But it is not the same as an in person confession with a priest.

The entrance to that Sacred Space and Place where one bares their soul and relieves their conscience: a confessional.

These days, where things are more in the open, one has the option of a face to face confession (door with a window), or if one prefers there is the private confession where one is in a separate room with a privacy screen between the priest/confessor and the confessed. It is all a matter of personal preference and the promptings of the Holy Spirit in one’s Heart.

I have also worked with a variety of healers and healing modalities – reiki, hypnotherapy, reflexology, polarity/cranial, EFT/tapping, acupuncture, kundalini yoga, numerology, intuitive healers, books/CDs, angel cards, shamans – where we have worked on and through my blocks and misconceptions. I am eternally grateful to and for all the healers that have helped me identify, move through, process and heal my lower karma. The transformations have been miraculous and eternally altering. The healers have been Heaven sent. Without them i never would have made the progress i did. But it never felt quite complete. It always felt like there was one more piece, one more element missing in the completion and closure in the healing journey of a certain issue. I always felt like I had to bring it to Jesus through one of His anointed, appointed, and ordained representatives, a Priest at confession. When I do and after I do, it is like I am “washed clean”. My being, my Heart, my spirit, my whole essence feel lighter. It literally and figuratively feels like tones of weight are lifted off of my shoulders. I walk with less heavy weight on me and in me.

It is an unloading in a Holy Space and Place. Time is non-present and eternal in a confession/reconciliation. All of time is there and none of time is there. The ground, the earth, the building where the “Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.” Psalm 51:7, take place is blessed and holy with the tabernacle holding the Holy of Holies near by, The Eucharist. Yes, I know all of earth is blessed and holy for it is God’s Creation, but just like Sedona, AZ has its vortices of intensified energy, certain sites are appointed as extra special or holy because of their intended purpose. “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:20. Thus too when people, priests, bishops gather, bless and proclaim a certain piece of land or building as a place of worship it holds that energy of its blessings, intentions, and the sum of all the worship energy that has taken place there. By taking the time, energy, and effort in our lives to go present ourselves before a priest in a tabernacle designated for the offering of our guilt, shame, fear, shortcomings, anger, frustration, helplessness, hopelessness, sorrows, pain, unworthiness, struggles… one is partaking in a sacred act of humility before God. One lays their ego down before God. One acknowledges their human frailty before God. One asks for the Grace to continue on with even deeper Grace, Wisdom, wholeness, and holiness.

Just like doing yoga at home is not the same as practicing yoga in a class with a guide/teacher/instructor, so too is a “home made” confession/reconciliation not quite the same as one in a church/office with a priest. Just like watching a ballet performance or sporting event at home on tv, or listening to a symphony on the radio, is not the same as being at the event in person, so too with the bearing of one’s burdens before the Lord is a much more profound and healing experience when done in person before a priest. Just like Jesus’ lineage is traced back to King David, the lineage of the priesthood is a vocation that through apostolic succession flows back to and from Christ, Jesus. Just like Jesus worked with the humanness of his apostles and disciples (male and female), so too does He work with and through the humanness of His current day priests and priestesses (Anglican Church). The words spoken in the Holy Space and Place of a confessional or reconciliation room, I have found for me have been mirrors, guide posts, soothing and calming, sometimes provoking (opened up another area for healing), and always liberating. It is one of God’s wonderful Gifts which bring us closer to God, in greater alignment to God, and deeper holiness and wholeness with God.

There have been periods in my life where I have gone once a week to confession and sometimes even more – after a Daily Mass, private office confessions, and once even on a bench under a tree. Had it not been for these confessions, I would still be stuck in some metal mental state of confinement. With each confession, a bar or two or more would melt away in my mind and opened me up to a life yoke of greater Light and Love.

A times I have seen these encounters as confessions and other times as reconciliations. In the confession paradigm is when I know I have fallen short and transgressed against, God, myself, and my neighbor –  all one and the same as we are all one of the same Source.  Confession is when I feel have done something offensive –  a sin of commission. I have been at the mercy of my ego, my lower self. On the other hand, I feel that I am in reconciliation  when I know that there is a different way of being and of living, but it is still vague and in vapor form for me. It is when God is asking another version of me to rise up but I am either afraid or unaware of the Divine Truth and thus am fumbling around in the darkness, or stalling.  This is omission and I am asking for Grace to help me reconcile myself to God’s version of me. Just like we reconcile our checking accounts to that of the bank, so too I feel I am reconciling myself to God’s best account of me.

These days one has two ways that one can partake in the Holy Sacrament of Confession / Reconciliation. There is the traditional confessional booth where the confessor, priest / priestess is in one room and the confessed, me or you in another room with a privacy screen in-between the two.  Or, there is the new way in which the confessor and confessee sit in the same room facing each other. The latter takes a whole lotta more gumption, or Grace. I’ve done both versions, including office and impromptu out door confessions. The Holy Spirit will let you know which is best for you in each circumstance. I have spoken my confessions from my Mind and Heart as in the Flow of the moment. I have also spent much time reflecting upon what I would like to bring to Jesus and thus have written out my confession and then read it to the confessor. Again, the Holy Spirit directs each encounter and healing session.

If you have not been to confession at all, why not try it this lent, before Resurrection Celebration (Easter) and see what it does to your Heart, Mind, Spirit, and body. A lighter conscience will lighten the body and help you move forward in life. If it has been some time since you have  been to confession, perhaps this article is your sign and “nudge” that it is time. It is a very humbling act. It is also very rewarding and liberating.  It will help you breathe easier and be more relaxed.

Abundant Grace , Wisdom, Humility, and Peace,                                                          Irena As I Am                                                                                                      03/05/2018

I Almost Quit!

At the beginning of January 2018, I received a strong impression that I needed to detox. I needed to cleanse my body and in cleansing my body I would also cleanse my thoughts, spirit, and my being. The Universe was telling me it was time to do some internal spring cleaning. There were a lot of dust bunnies that had accumulated in the corners and the attic of my mind and Heart.

It was time to pull back the curtains, open up the windows, get the stale and fatal air out, and bring in some fresh air. It is stale and fatal thoughts, notions, and emotions that keep us stuck, spinning our wheels, and frustrated. It was time to do an internal sweeping, dusting, polishing, and tidying up. It was time to make room for some new thoughts, notions, and emotions.

Said another way, it was time to go into the garden of my mind and Heart and pull up some old old weeds that had become overgrown and were suffocating the flowers and the fruit. It was time to get the hoe out and dig deep so as to pull out the weeds at the roots and not just trim them at the stem.

“Okay”, I said, “I’m game. Show me the way. Help me say yes. Help me stay committed. And help me follow through to the end. Thank You and Amen”

I have found that prayers of petition that revolve around being faithful, reverent, and obedient to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit are prayers that are filled with abundant Grace because they bring us into deeper Divine Alignment.

Within about an hour, I was led, in my thoughts and then I followed through with my actions to a hot yoga web site. Initially I did not make the connection that this was one of the Divine Prompts and Answers, but I bought a package of fifteen classes that had to be used within sixty days. I had tried hot/Bikram yoga many years ago and abandoned it due to the headaches I was getting the day or two  after a class. I was not able to rehydrate and replenish my electrolytes in proportion to the radical and profuse loss in the sweating. I was not able to reestablish my internal balance and equilibrium. After a hot yoga class most people look like they just came out of a pool. Upon the suggestion of a seasoned hot yoga instructor, I had tried replenishing with blackstrap molasses. I also added mineral drops to the beverage. But this did not help. (Note: I am not a fan of Gatorade – the artificial coloring and the high fructose corn syrup do not appeal to me or my “clean, delicious and nutritious” mantra.) I also found myself eating more bananas. Even though I remembered this past non-positive experience, I still felt drawn and compelled  to sign up for this class. Divine Promptings are like that: sometimes the guidance we get in this leg of the journey is totally opposite and contradictory to the guidance we have received in an earlier leg of the journey. The Gift of Right Judgement helps us discern in Divine Alignment.

After the second class, I was ready to quit. I was thirsty for days after a class. I had a slight headache in the back ground. I dreaded going to class. “Who needs this?”, I thought. I wanted to quit. I wanted to bail out. I was going to call and see if I could get a refund, but life was happening so fast that I did not get around to it. In the meantime, articles from New Age sites on my Facebook feed spoke about  when we shift or release toxins or are in the process of raising our vibration there is temporary discomfort. One of these symptoms is headaches.  I did not connect the dots right away. But by the end of the week, I realized what was happening. I realized that I needed to continue going to hot yoga. I needed to continue with my purification. I needed to trust that the head discomfort was only temporary and will bring me to a higher place, eventually. And so I did keep going and it is getting easier. I also added coconut water to my post class replenishing ritual. I now see these classes as wonderful opportunities for peaceful and graceful healing. How blessed and fortunate am I! It was all by the Grace of God.

Interesting Coincidence Side Note:

As I was processing the above,  two conversations that arose in passing with two different people were on the topic of sweating – they brought it up, not me, but since I was working with it in my life, the Universe mirrored back to me others in the same boat. Both people spoke about the “not pleasant” side of sweating and body odor. They said how unpleasant and embarrassing it was. Yes this is true especially when we are in close proximity to one anther. But, when our bodies are detoxing, the body odor that arises, or is released, is a good thing, a really good thing. It means that the body is releasing toxins, icky yucky stuff. Let it. Don’t stop it. It is healthy for you. Instead of buying antiperspirants, buy deodorants. Since our body absorbs into her/him everything that we put on him/her, please buy the clean (health food stores) and gentle animal friendly kind (not tested on animals – no animals had to suffer or be pained in the process of making the product).

But that was not all. There was another angle to my detox journey. The yoga is the physical but I also needed a mental house cleaning. About two months ago a friend mentioned to me that she was listening to Hay House Podcasts. Louise Hay and Hay House authors, speakers and seminars have been integral in my healing and wholeness journey. But I had “forgotten” about this tribe of healers and forward thinkers. But this tidbit of info triggered something in me to go and check out the podcasts. In doing so, I listened to Jessica Ortner and Nick Ortner’s separate podcasts. Their relation is siblings and not marriage. Their healing modality is Tapping or EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique (see/read “TapTapTap•TapTapTap•TapItAway” Article  at http://www.1dvinedzine.com/new-age/taptaptap•taptaptap•tapitaway/  ).                         It is something I had “stumbled” on to, or more accurately, was led to about 10 years ago and had used extensively, but over time I had filed it away. In listening to their podcasts I tapped along but I spoke out loud things/issues that I was working on releasing and transmuting.

As I tapped on this issue, it led to that issue, which led to another issue. It was like a string or a series of knots that were being released and untangled. In tapping through the issues/knots I felt my body get lighter and easier to carry. That old stuff was being released from my meridians, from circulating in my body, from radiating in my energy field and from my mental paradigm and constructs. I also journaled to get it all out. Remember the adage – things/thoughts untangle themselves from the lips and through the fingertips – meaning speak and write it out, right out of you.

It was like a brain and energy unloading and dumping. This too is Grace in Abundance at work in my life. Again I say, how blessed and fortunate am I! Grace is at work in all of our lives. Have eyes that see and a Heart that is humble, responsive, and grateful.

Then, when I was at my dental cleaning appointment in early January, the dentist again mentioned to me the practice of “oil pulling” and that it should be done two times a year, for forty days each time. The last time I did it was in the summer. Thus it was time. Again, The Universe was telling me here is another opportunity and avenue for you to detox and clean house. This means that I need to get up half and hour earlier to do oil pulling: twenty minutes of swishing in my mouth organic coconut oil, followed by a salt water home made rinse, and completed by brushing my teeth. The dentist also mentioned that oral health and cleanliness is a good indicator of over all body health. Message received. And again and again I say, the Grace of God is eternal and in our simple every day lives it blesses us with an abundance of opportunities for healing.

The last angle has been my usual cleaning and cleansing method: tears, tears, tears, and more tears. I’ve become a professional crier. When I feel them arise, I let them flow. It could be while I am driving, on a restroom break, on a walk, in church, mediation, journaling, or… Most of the time the tears know we have lives and they do come at convenient times. But not always. Honor them. Let them flow, and they will bless and heal you, and those in your midst too. When I first began this healing journey I was petrified, mortified, embarrassed, and felt like a weakling that I cried so much. Oh how wrong and off the mark I was! I now see tears as a Great Blessing. They cleanse. They purify. They release. They give relief. They restore joy, strength, and dignity. They are a Gift of the Holy Spirit. They are gentle healing. Let them flow. Don’t hold them back. Don’t hold the Holy Spirit back. Let Her heal you  gently, gracefully, peacefully, and graciously. Yes, that is what I found out in my journey: tears are gentle medicine.  You know the Holy Spirit is at work within you when you experience three things: tears, warmth/heat in your body, and deep peace.

It also just so happened that January’s full moon was particularly strong and intense in Her tide. Her powerful yin magnet drew out of me (and others as I listened and observed) and to the surface deep mis-alignments or mis-Light-terpretations (interpretations) for me to feel, process, work through, transmute, and lastly transubstantiate into wholeness or holiness.

I almost quit hot yoga because I was feeling uncomfortable. But by the Abundant Grace of God, I received tremendous assistance and support along The Way. I am so grateful that I stayed faithful. The Universe is always setting us up for success!

Had I quit, I would have missed out on some massive shifts. But Grace kept me in the game.

I pray that God’s Truth, Wisdom and Healing blesses you abundantly.                                 I pray you say yes. I pray you stay committed to the end. Amen                                   Irena As I Am                                                                                                           02/05/2018

Warrior One Pose. I call it Peace Pilgrim Pose One. I journey in peace with myself and all. I look up to the Heavens for guidance, support, and confirmation.

Half Lotus Prayer Pose. Eyes are closed – looking and listening deep within.

Child’s Pose. The head is below the Heart. The head/mind is bowing to the Heart.

Let Love Resolve This

I had been waiting a long long long LONG time for some news. Years. And years, actually. I had been patient, and I had exerted enormous amounts of energy in staying patient, positive, and hopeful: energy which I could have used toward other endeavors. This waiting was like a constant cloud hovering over me and weighing down on me. This waiting was like trying to swim in the ocean with my legs chained together and weighted down with two steel balls around each ankle. Thus, rather than swimming and moving forward, the bulk of my energy went toward just keeping my head above water and not drowning.

The world and my ego told me “it was within my right” that I take matters into my own hands.                                                                                                                            The piece of paper and pen markings told me it was well within my jurisprudence that I “do something about it.”                                                                                                         My own impatience and desire in moving forward nagged at me to “just do it. just be done with it”.                                                                                                                         Then there were those who sowed fear, or tried to sow fear into my heart by telling me about all the things that could happen if I didn’t do something.                                      One person even said, “that is why God made lawyers.”

With all this overwhelming evidence, validation, and tidal wave toward a certain path, there was something deep within me that said to the contrary,                                                   “Wait. You don’t know everything that is going on. You can’t see everything that is going on. Wait on Us. Let Us take care of this – peacefully, amicably, and in a mutually beneficial manner. Trust Us.”

“Arrgh! How much longer do You expect me to wait! Haven’t I been patient long enough? Hasn’t the statute of limitations on patience long ago expired? I want this resolved, NOW!”, was my emotional volley back over the fence and into the Divine’s Court.                          And,                                                                                                                                     I also asked Them for guidance toward leading me to a helper in the human court. But no such doors opened up, no coincidences transpired, no path presented itself, nothing that felt right – to my dismay and discouragement.

And then, like always, They surprised me with Their Wisdom filled response,

“SweetHeart, you only see the now. We see eternity. We see how each action or lack of it reverberates into eternity. If you follow through on your sense of self-entitlement it will create a cascade of negative karma for you and for others for lifetimes to come. If you allow yourself to be at the mercy of these ego-based emotions you will keep alive the fear based Soul contract between you and the other party/parties. You may receive short term relief but it will be at the expense of long term peace. If you succumb to your ego in this situation, you will be ruled by your ego for lifetimes to come. This is is your opportunity of a lifetime to let Love into this Soul contract and let Love resolve this in Love’s Way, once and for all time. If you let Love resolve this, you will be freed totally and completely, in eternity. If you let Love handle this in Love’s Way, your yoke will then be Light. We leave the decision in your hands.”

Well, after that Deep Divine Insight, I knew I had only one choice: wait on Love. But that does not mean that the human side in me still found it easy to “wait”. No, on the contrary, it took a lot of energy and effort to keep myself distracted, entertained, occupied, and at peace in the waiting. It took an ABUNDANCE OF GRACE to keep me on track. It took an abundance of prayer, meditation, journaling, and time with the Eucharist.

It also helped that at the time I had a friend whose lone voice said,                                   “Ah, just let it go.”

“OK. Will do.”, I sighed reluctantly,  and then we’d go off on an adventure.

By the Grace of God, I listened to my Heart and to my friend. God always sends us angels and support. All we need are eyes that see, ears that hear, and a discerning and humble Heart. Pray for that, every day.

During these years in waiting there had been a social media image that resonated deeply with me because it had portrayed my situation. It was a picture of a beautiful butterfly which had a string or chain tied to her body and at the end of the string chain was a steel ball. It showed the butterfly hovering just slightly above a flight of stone stairs which seemed to be leading up and out of the dungeon. But yet the butterfly could only fly as far as the length of the chain. It made my Heart ache and eyes weep.

This past summer I was getting to a point of not being able to take it anymore. I am human after all. In my mind, I had built up an image of this other person and the image was slathered in sludge. Around this time I also got a strong inclination to go on a fast. In the past, fasting has brought about miracles in my life. The fast that I went on was The Master Cleanse. It was my one of my go to fasts. I find that when I refrain from food, it gives me crystal clear clarity. It was also a fast that I see as deeply symbolic – it helped cleanse me of the masters in my life – the ego masters that had ruled me and kept me from living more in alignment with Love. I also got the impression to do either seven or eight days of the Master Cleanse within a certain month. In the past I would have done it the seven to eight days in a row. But since I have also been on a gentle journey, the peace pilgrim journey, this time round I spread it out over the entire month, meaning that I would do one or two days a week, either consecutive or dispersed. I was going to go with the Flow and decide day by day. About half way into this fast, I got the strong message to “call the other party”. Up to this point, we had not had any verbal communication in years, only rare emails relating to the issue.

That phone call was a miracle. And, it was miracle producing.

I heard the other person’s voice and in their voice I heard their story and I heard their Heart through their voice. I just KNEW they were speaking the truth. I knew that the delay had been legitimate and out of their control. And then, the person said something which completely took me by surprise, God has a way of doing that when you humble yourself before God, and the person said,                                                                                       “I pray for you everyday.”

I was so stunned, that I didn’t know what to say. And then with those words sinking into my being, the volcano of anger that had been bubbling in me, building in me, and attempting to bully me into war, was INSTANTANEOUSLY put out. In it’s place PEACE took residence. I instantly forgave this person. It was a miracle the equivalent of the parting of the sea. It gave me passage from hardness, anger, bitterness, thoughts of revenge occupying my mind, to the Promised Land of Peace in my Heart.

Had I taken matters in to my own hands, had I taken the logical route with legal action, I would have created a quagmire mess the size of which I just know I would have drowned in. The person said that everything would be resolved in three months time. After waiting for this for years, three months seemed like a short duration. But then, three months came and went, and… nothing happened. Oh, the “thoughts” that came into my mind.

Around this time I was going about my day with these “thoughts” flooding me when out of the blue a child presented me with a Gift. This is a child that I see from time to time in passing and have just a casual connection with. The child said that they thought of me and made a butterfly for me. I was STUNNED. I just knew deep within that this child was an angel telling me that all will be well – that the butterfly will be freed. The depth of gratitude and humility in the way of God gave me awe and wonder and strength to keep hanging on and waiting for God.

As it turned out, everything was resolved eventually. The delays were just part of the process. Sometimes, things just take more time than we anticipate. In the meantime, pray, trust God, and be on the look out for sings.


Abundant Grace and God’s Choicest Blessings,                                                              Irena As I Am


PS                                                                                                                                  SIGNS                                                                                                                                 As things were being wrapped up, I received a call by accident from an independent third party who was doing the wrapping up. The independent third party thought they were calling somebody else and after my “hello”, they immediately went into a monologue about how frustrated they were with all the delays.                                                                    Wow! All I could do was thank God, profusely for this “coincidence”.

Then, another person, completely unrelated to the above issue and knowing of it was telling me about their disappointment and frustration with a certain institution. This was the same institution that was delaying my/our resolution.                                                       Wow! And wow! All I could think of, just how creative and to the great lengths that God went to in communicating with us and letting us know “God is with us”.

I received three signs: the butterfly, the misplaced phone call, and the institutional similarity story. This is just BEYOND amazing!                                                                                  Amen                                                                                                                                Thank You God