OutRaged

I am outraged! 

My blood is curldling!

My spirit is revolting!

and

My Heart is weeping!

How could they!?! 

How dare they!?!

Imagine someone having the gentle cure, the thorough medicine, the easy remedy, to plagues that have plagued humanity over the centuries, and withholding it from the masses. Think of the lives it would have saved and the pain it could have spared. Think of the mass fear and hysteria it could have preempted. Think of the progress that could have been made but was not because time, resources, energy, focus was being directed at crisis management rather than on progress and growth. 

Imagine that there is hunger amongst the masses for food, for sustenance, and  for nourishment. Imagine that the masses are plagued by lack, scarcity, and a “not enough” mentality, yet, there is plenty but it is stored away and kept at bay. 

In our earthly timeline, imagine that a group of people had the cure or the knowledge or the insight or the vaccine for such epidemics as the cholera, the bubonic plague, typhoid fever, small pox, measles, mumps, rubella, polio, HIV/AIDS, and the most current one, cancer, and they are holding it back. They are holding it back because they want people living in fear. They are holding it back because they want to control people’s lives and keep them subdued. They are holing it back because they want the masses under their dominion, or as Mick Jagger and Keith Richards penned “under my thumb”. 

That is what the “church” has done to her people and to much of western thought by parsing, by curating, by editing, by cutting and pasting, by withholding Holy Writings, Inspired Scripture, Divine Wisdom, and TRUTH from the people, from the masses over centuries – a mass massacre of the Spirit of The People.

The TRUTH is that past lives and reincarnation are true and real. It was part of the knowledge and truth of the early catholic/orthodox church and christian beliefs up until about Constantine’s time. I know he is referred to as “saint” and “the great”, but not in my books. No longer. Just like he and his entourage took the liberty to “rewrite” the bible and withhold books and truth and Christian mysticism, i am now doing the same thing and choosing to see him as just another spineless man. 

The white paternal patriarchal brotherhood:

I do not trust them. They have lost my trust.

I do not respect them. They have lost my respect.

I do not obey them. They have lost my blind fidelity, for all of eternity. 

It is ironic that he is know for an edict, The Edict of Milan that stated that “Christians could believe what they wanted” (Wikipedia –  “In February 313, Constantine met with Licinius in Milan where they made the Edict of Milan. The edict said that Christians could believe what they wanted.”). Yet he and his entourage took out Truth from Scriptures. They and all those who were in the know withheld medicine and life from countless generations to come.  

I struggled and wrestled with the concept of reincarnation for six years. I actually did not choose the path, the notion, I “stumbled” onto it, or more accurately, was “led” into it. I was at a “Celebrate Your Life” conference in Scottsdale, AZ in 2007, eleven years ago now, when I found my self sitting in a huge conference room. I think I chose the speaker and the subject by a process of elimination and not by desire. In hindsight I now see that The Divine Spirit was masterfully at work in setting me up for massive healing and success. Hmmm, now that I think about it, perhaps Constantine was part of the Divine EntouRage that led me into this room, this speaker, this healing experience, this truth, and this path.

I don’t recall now who the speaker was, but my inkling is to say Dr. Brian Weiss. That session and that seminar and that group past life regression session changed the course of my life. It was the beginning of a new path, a new way, a new age. It opened up my Mind and Spirit to a path and a portal that answered many questions and showed me the healing work that I needed to do in this lifetime if I did not want to carry forward the same lesson into the next. 

When I first began my spirituality journey, there was a stigma put on it and on me that I was “cherry picking” my christian beliefs or that I was being a “cafeteria catholic” – thereby implying my not being in “full communion” nor a “true believer or supporter of Christ” and that “I was turning my back on the one true faith”.  There was guilt, fear, and emotional shunning used as an attempt at  manipulating me or steering me away from spirituality and new age books/gatherings with words and phrases such as:

  • it’s not in the bible, 
  • that is the devil talking to you, 
  • that is evil – thus implying that i am evil or partaking in evil, (in hindsight, i was parting from lies and untruth that kept me subdued and the Spirit of God from flowing through me)
  • that is the devil misleading you, 
  • that is bullshit, 
  • you are being misled,
  • you are being brainwashed,
  • you are so gullible and vulnerable,
  • the church does not believe in that. 

Truthfully though, these voices were my mirror of my inner belief paradigm too. I myself had once thought and spoken in the same manner: condemning and criticizing, but then ultimately and by The Grace of God, accepting and embracing.

These voices were loud and their decibel emotionally demeaning, deafening, and crippling.  They tried to block me, stop me, tackle me, and keep me down, low, and subdued. But BY THE IMMENSE GRACE OF GOD, the Holy Spirit and dispenser of Divine Wisdom and Truth, kept whispering in my ear, in my Heart, and in my Spirit. Sofia kept nudging me along, gently. Sofia kept giving me books and insights and healers and experiences, consistently and persistently. Sofia kept comforting me and consoling me on my seemingly alone journey into this world of eternal Truth and Wisdom, and eventual healing. On the earthly plane there was much resistance, but on the Spiritual plane there was immense support, guidance, and strength. All I had to do was walk by faith, by insight, and by intuition. All I had to do was lean on the crutches of Divine Right Judgement and accept Their grace. All I had to do was listen and respond to the whispers of the ONE TRUE VOICE.

This Voice, His Voice kept whispering to me, “You shall know them by their fruit”. If there was love, stay and learn. If there was fear, run, fast and far.

I found my self being very careful as to how I spoke and what language I used. When I was in the presence of “church people” I avoided Spiritual / New Age language and conversations lest I be laughed at, ridiculed, and shunned. Ironically, in Spiritual circles and healing ceremonies, I edited my church language since there was a strong undercurrent of disdain toward organized religion and its teachings. I was like a double agent double dipping in both gardens. 

At one point I did leave “organized” religion, orthodoxy-catholicism. I did leave control based on fear, guilt, UNworthiness, and servitude. But HE called me back. 

HE said, “Come to Me. Come to My Table. Come Feast at and with and on my Love. Come let Me heal you and nourish you. Come. Come. Come my sweet loved daughter.”

HE said, “Don’t throw out the baby with the dirty diaper or dirty bathwater.” Meaning don’t leave, discard, throw out the beautiful side of the church because of the smelly part. 

HE said, “I know. I see all that is going on. Leave that and them up to Me. I am and will deal with them, in My Way and My time. That is not your job. Your job is to Love Me, listen to Me, and do as I say. Focus on Me and Me only. Receive My Gifts and Me, and let the institution be. Ignore the institution, that is not your work.”

So, I did. I listened to Him. I listen to His Voice. I obeyed His Voice. In doing so He led me to a beautiful Holy Spirit filled community that is based on Love and Acceptance and Healing: a community that is rooted in tradition but not bound by tradition. I am beyond grateful and have been deeply blessed and enriched.

“FORGIVE THEM FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO”, Jesus

In hindsight those external voices didn’t know any better. In hindsight, they mirrored and voiced back to me at what I was thinking and feeling myself. I’ve realized that while i am on wobbly feet in my own truth and skin, the world will reflect back to me my hesitancy and uncertainty. 

The church, although Divinely inspired is manly managed and run – just ask Galileo and St. Joan of Arc. 

Lastly, since I know that that which moves us to joy, tears, admiration and rage in others is also within us. Thus, I am left wondering how my outrage of the church withholding is a mirror of me. Mercy me! As the adages go, “when you point a finger at someone else, there are three pointing ball at you”, and, “it is a sin to know where the water is in the desert and not tell anyone” – I wonder was this is telling me about myself. 

Always, think for yourself, by the Grace of God,                                                            Irena As I Am                                                                                                      04/23/2018

PS                                                                                                                            Despite all this i still love the church – the hierarchy and institution i struggle with and actually have disconnected from. I also realize that  in any tribe a code of conduct is needed so that everyone is on the same page and that there is unity and uniformity. I also recognize and acknowledge all the good that the church has done: schools, universities, hospitals, orphanages, social outreach, mentoring to name just a few. 

Why do i love her so? Well, she was founded and is ultimately guided by the One Beloved of many.

That Porsche Guy

Once upon a time, a long long time ago, my eyes used to roam and scan a room for eligible bachelors, men without a round ring. One fine day, as I was pulling up to church for daily mass a Posrche wheeled in too. “Interesting”, I thought. As the driver got out, I thought, “very very, very interesting”. The driver was a handsome man, dressed in a stylish button up shirt semi-loosely hanging over his trendy jeans. “Oh my!”, I thought, “this is more than very very very interesting.” As usual, I played it cool, very very cool. I’m good at that. Naturally, I did not say anything to him. Why would I? If anything at all, I was even the more reserved. After all, I was there to pray. No distractions allowed. He on his part, remained in his world.

An automobile called Porsche. (Image from Motortrend.)

He was not a regular daily mass attendant but showed up fairly frequently. Each time I noticed him I  was impressed that someone who had the external appearance of wealth and success was also spending time with the Lord during the week, and not just on Sundays. I did “happen” to notice that his ring finger was bare.  When I spoke of him to my friend I referred to him as “That Porsche Guy”. I imagined his coming to church was to pray for or about  some big upcoming business deal he was working on. This was a period in my life when I had so many work projects on my plate that just the thought of getting involved with someone felt heavy and burdensome. Thus distance was perfect and ideal. But I did enjoy seeing him at mass and imagining what the rest of his life was like. That was enough for me. Any more time, energy, and effort would have buried me.

And then one day, everything changed. The plot twisted in a way, that I bet you, Dear Reader, – and I’m not the betting kind – probably would never guess. It was something, that I never could have thought up myself.  One day, he came came to church with three other people. This day he was wearing a wedding band and so was the beautiful woman who walked in with him. “Oh, I thought, he is married after all. I guess not everyone wears their band on a daily basis, I realized. Good thing I just kept the imaginary relationship to just imagination and sight.” But then, what I saw next made my Heart feel compassion, shame, humility, and tenderness toward the family, “That Porsche Guy’s” family. He and his wife had a beautiful daughter about age eight and a son who followed them in, in an electric wheel chair. It was evident by his mannerisms, face and hands that he had down syndrome. The son appeared to be in his early teens.

All through mass all I did was process my thoughts and feelings while sending the family compassionate energy. I thought about myself and observed myself and what my attitude had been toward him based on his outward presentation. Does anyone else out there do that – make a judgement call about a person based on how they look, what they are wearing, and the wheels they are driving? It did it not even dawn on me to scan the state of his Heart at the beginning. Had I done that I might have “seen” him differently. I would have gone from seeing him with my material eyes to that of the Heart vibe. Thus, here is where I began to judge and scold myself for being so “materialistically oriented”. I thought about what this non-experiential encounter had taught me about myself. This was shortly after my Heart had been awakened and I was working on seeing more with the eyes of my Heart. Clearly, I got a big red “F” on this assignment. More assignments and encounters were needed for the sharpening of my Heart Sight.

As the daily mass was carried on by the priest and congregants, my whole focus was on this family. Every time I glanced at the father, mother, daughter and son gathered there before the Lord, I could not even begin to fathom the joy, the love, and the daily struggles of every member. My Heart went out to them. I wished them strength for the journey and peace in their Hearts. I wished that an abundance of grace fill their path.

I wished that deep internal joy be an integral part of their daily lives. And now, about a decade later, I also thank them for their example of love in a family. I also am grateful for witnessing their togetherness and commitment to each other. Lastly, I learned much about myself based on my internal dialogue that was triggered by my initial sighting of him.

I realized that in my initial instantaneous assessment of him and the entirety of his being, I had reduced him down to an automobile breast plate. Um, does this qualify me as being superficial and materialistic? Two hands down, eyeball to eyeball honesty: YES! In writing this story, I thought more deeply about this topic: me and materialism. I realized that materialism is something that I both am attracted to and simultaneously repelled by.  I like it, yet I also shun it because I live very simply, borderline asceticism. Clutter of any kind is draining to me. I realized that I have a very complicated relationship with wealth and material goods. I realized that  I like nice things and enjoy the feeling of having and using something that is of value. I realized that when there is quality and integrity in a product it adds value and surety to my life. By surety I mean to say that quality in a product gives me peace of mind and the mind space to focus on other things, other than things.

It’s about finding that narrow path where one has the discipline to only have the things that one needs for peace, comfort, and ease in their life. On the flip side, it means saying “NO” to things that may be nice to have but would add undue stress and responsibility. It is about nourishing our lives with material things that add to our GDP – gross domestic (inner and outer) peace”, and not weigh it down to the point of them being burdensome. When one is at peace, one can be a person of great value to this planet.

It takes awareness, and self-observation in knowing what adds joy and value to our lives and what drains us of energy. It then takes practice, commitment, and discipline to remove or let go of the items that are distractions in our lives and that take away our joy and peace. But with Grace and humility toward the Holy Spirit’s Whisperings, anything is possible.

Lastly, we don’t even need to engage and encounter with each other to learn and grow from each other. Sometimes, just the presence of someone in a room can trigger a metanoia experience. Stay open, receptive, and responsive to the workings of the Holy Spirit in your thoughts, Heart, and life.

Abundant Grace, Humility, and Blessings,                                                                        Irena As I Am                                                                                                          02/26/2018