Stay Free

“Stay Free!”

“Stay Free!”

“Stay Free!”

Was the message the Angels were showering upon me, all around me, on the outside and on the inside.

There was a juncture in my life some time ago where I had left and was led out of a longstanding super committed relationship. I had poured all of me into this relationship and into the other and all the others around this longstanding super committed relationship. Later on I was to find out that I and the other have had many lives together in the past. This other  person and our relationship were the sun of the orbit of my life. And I used all of the sunshine  within me to lighten and nurture the other and others. It was my duty and obligation. And then it imploded. It was no more. It vanished. It became a nothingness, a vastness, an emptiness, a vacuum. And I lost all sense of me, my identity, my purpose, my purse, my meaning, my reason for being. Like an astronaut untethered from their spaceship floating aimlessly and in eternal perpetuity, I too was untethered from that and those that shaped who i was, why i was, and where i was going. For a period of time, my body was here on earth but the “i” in me or the “eye”  of me was floating in a black hole of nothingness. It was as though I was a walking, living, breathing shell of a body whose soul had departed. I knew not where my soul had gone, nor if it would ever come back and fill me up again. I knew I still existed because I could see and touch my body. That much was there and true, but the inside was hollow, like a dead tree. It was the weirdest sensation I had ever had over a period of time. I knew what depression was and how it felt. But depression was kindergarten to this sensation. At least in depression I felt something. With this encounter, I felt nothing.

As the adage goes, “The Universe abhors a vacuum.” and thus, in time another was brought into my life who could and would help me have a reason for me. Everything that I had wanted from the first other that I did not get and which had caused me great angst, this second other gave easily, freely (or so I thought initially), and abundantly. This second other was lavishing generous gifts upon me, flying cross country to see me and spend time with me – and all I had to do was “say the word”. Conversationally, this new other was brilliant and had a genius mind. To me and for me, this characteristic gave me an inside natural high. This was my own fairy tale unfolding before my eyes. I was excited again. I was alive again. I was feeling again. I had hope for the future. I began making plans for a future of togetherness, of “happily ever after”. But lurking behind all of this abundant external positivity and fortune, I was being hounded and stalked by a feeling from deep within of uneasiness, unsettledness, and like I wanted to RunRunRunRun.

This was a period in my life where I was a neophyte to understanding and responding to my feelings and to the messages my body was sending me. I was on the border, in that liminal zone between discounting them, ploughing through them, or bulldozing them down with the might of my bull-like will and to actually stopping, feeling them, discerning what they were telling me, and then proceeding with this newfound wisdom. Interestingly, one of my major mantras back then reflected this shift. It was, “Stop. Feel. Think. Then Act.”. I even had a t-shirt made with this slogan. I needed to wear these words and have my body and being absorb this lesson and way of being and living.

Even though my mind was elated and my Heart alive again, my body was SCREAMING something completely different and opposite. My body’s wisdom and intuition was feeling, reading, and responding to the vibes in this encounter. My body, God bless her, was figuratively and literally saying RunRunRunRunRunRunBabyRunRunRun! I am sure that you Dear Reader can figure out and make the connection how the RunRunRun… part manifested itself in my body. But just to give you little hint and clue: whenever I left my house, my predominate thoughts and concerns were, “where is the nearest rest room” and “how long before I reach the nearest restroom”. Get it? My body was so anxious and so distressed that she was always on the run from the present moment.

Around this time I was reading books on how to develop my intuition. I wanted to know how to hear and respond to God, rather than to the whims and desires of others. God responded by presenting to me in my path books about intuition: Laura Day, “Practical Intuition” and “How to Rule The World from Your Couch”, Sonia Choquette  “The Psychic Pathway” are the ones that I remember now.

Meanwhile I was teetering and tottering between co-joining my path with this new other or go at it solo. A wise person suggested that I visit and spend some time with this other person in their home and native land. And so I did. And oh Dear Lord what an eye opener this was. My trip was slated for seven days but after about day three or four, I KNEW I wanted OutOutOutOutOut! I called the airline and they wanted almost eight hundred dollars to re-issue my ticket to a flight a few days earlier. Um, maybe not. Maybe I’ll just tough it out, I thought. There is always a silver lining because if before my “no” was the size of The Rock of Gibraltar, after the extra few days my “NO” solidified from the surface down to the core and it became the size of the Rocky Mountain Range.

The Universe in It’s part was also signaling to me Their View on the situation with Their communication. We were driving in the city and a bus stop advertising caught my eye. It’s prominent message was “Stay Free”. Then while we were stopped at a red light, an elderly couple crossed the street right in front of us. I looked at them and they looked and felt MISERABLE. In that moment, I had a deep impression and feeling that said,                  “Irena if you co-join your path with this other, you will be this miserable couple down the line”. On my! Not good grief, but miserable grief. Later that night as I retreated into the safety and sanctuary of my hotel room, I had something happen that had never happened to me before – and at one point in my life I had done a a lot of business travel and hotel rooms had been my second home, so I had a cache of reference points of what a good hotel experience should look like and feel like. I had taken a long hot bath to wash the day away and then enveloped myself into the cocoon  of white bed sheets. I finally relaxed when I heard someone fidgeting with the door. By the Grace of God, I had engaged the chain door latch. I got up to see what was going on. The hotel staff had somehow mixed up my reservation with someone else’s who could not get into their room, which was my room. They tried to get in but could not. I was fuming mad! But in hindsight, it was just another sign along the way. I now see the innocent mistake of attempted intrusion in to my safe space as a signal of what would happen down the path line: my i would be intruded and invaded. Since I was so stressed and anxious, my monthly visitor, the feminine kind, came early. I always travel prepared and reached for my feminine product. Although I had used the same brand for years, it was as though I saw it for the first time. It read “Stay Free”. Need I say more! I laughed with deep gratitude at the affirmation and confirmation.

I could not wait to get into that metal cylindrical man made bird, sit into my seat  and fly home to my little safe nest. I thought I was home free. Again, at one point in my life for a few years, I had gotten on a plane several times a month and had always had a pretty good experience. Not this time though. The flight was delayed couple of hours due to an electrical issue related to the set belt safety light overhead our seats. All the passengers remained on the plane while the service crew repaired the short circuit. Meanwhile, I prayed and prayed and prayed. Finally a few hours later we were airborne. Home safe! I thought! Not so fast, said something else. About an hour into the flight the seat belt light started flashing uncontrollably, the pilot came on and said that although it was not a major issue and we could continue flying, regulations required that we turn back. WHAT! TURN BACK! NoNoNoNoNo!!! Turn back we did. Change planes we did. This I had never experienced before. Eventually, after much hassle, fuss, inconvenience, we made it to our destination, safely.

“Stay away from this person and this path. Very Very Very Far Away.”, the Universe not only whispered, pleaded, hinted, but screamed too. By the Grace of God, i listened and i obeyed, even though on paper and to the naked eye the positives were in abundance. This time I didn’t override The Holy Spirit. This time I took Her Eternal Wisdom and heeding.

Upon my return home, I severed ties with this person. Within a relatively short period of time, my body calmed down and stopped “running”.

Grateful beyond words.                                                                                                    Take Charge of you, your choices, your life, your health, your outcomes,                      Irena As I Am                                                                                                      02/23/2018

Listen to Your Body

Yours truly, moi, me+myself+and+i, did not dance to her own drumbeat last week, did not practice what she preaches on the rooftops, and as a result, yours truly is reaping or rather to put it more precisely, is suffering the consequences: a runny nose and a heavy head, a head cold.

One of my biggest life’s mantras is LISTEN TO YOUR BODY – especially when s/he is asking for sleep, rest, peace, calm, quiet, stillness, tranquility, and or certain nutrition.

This then extends to LISTEN TO YOUR ENERGY – especially when your energy is feeling discombobulated, frazzled, hyper, high-strung, or tightly wrung.

Sometimes, life just takes us down a path of a stimuli blitzkrieg. And no matter how novice or advanced our spiritual practice is, that path or that current just gets the best of us. It seems like from Thanksgiving and through December heading toward Christmas, time seems to speed up and the pace of life picks up drastically. Everything becomes urgent. The lists become long. The expectations grow. The whole year comes to a pin point of energy and merry making. Its seems like and feels like there is this urgency in the air, in the streets, and in the stores. Emotions get amped up, the sun retracts and goes into its own time of rest (or moe accurately the earth tilts away form the sun), and darkness or that which lurks in the darkness asks us or invites us to spend some time with it and learn from it: if we so choose. The other option is to just keep going and going and going and going, just keep running from it or pushing it down even further.

Until our body says, STOP. NO MORE. This is what I was feeling last week. My body was saying please stop, rest, turn everything off – phones, screens, technology, breathe deeply, feel, process, digest, and let go or release stored up emotions. But my inner task master got the better of me. My inner task master pointed to the list and said “this must be done”, “this needs your attention and doing”, “this is very urgent”, and the trump of all logic “if you do this today, you’ll be that much further ahead next week”. So, I thought I was being strong and productive and thus I pushed through the tiredness. I could feel the frenzy inside me. I could feel myself being at the mercy of this frenzy. And I also realized that I had let this frenzy energy get too big for my lasso, that it had become a run-away-train. Even my sleep was not restful, I put in my “sleep time” but I felt like my body was still on alert and not resting or submitting into rest fully. I was now at its mercy and I just needed to let it takes its course, which turned into a head cold.

Since I did not give my body the rest when she asked for it, she forced me to rest by getting “sick”. Now I had to rest. Now I had to just breathe and be. In energy medicine thought, it is said that when the body gets “sick” that is when the healing actually begins. Up to that point in time, the person and their energy was struggling, resisting, and pushing on, meanwhile inside the body things were misaligned and heading toward a derailment. The illness is the body’s way of saying “ah, ah, this misalignment is stoping. we can no longer continue this way.  i am wo/manifesting an illness and then you will need to stop and face the issue(s).” When I first heard this theory from a body/medical intuitive it was a foreign concept to me, but yet it resonated deep within me as truth. In my life journey this had proven so.

This week rest, nutrition and slowing down have become very important to me. One does not realize just how valuable one’s health is until one’s health does not show up for one like it normally does. This week slowing down, taking care of my body and getting grounded again have become a priority. There are various ways of getting grounded, but the one that I like is sleeping on the floor in the darkest place of my home which happens to be the closet. It feels like going in the womb of the dark. I place a blanket on the carpet, get some pillows all around me, close the doors so as to get complete blackness, complete darkness and then settle in for the night. The hardness and support of the floor feels good beneath my body. It reconnects me to the earth, to the ground, to the basics of life. I like to either put one hand on my navel (second chakra) or the solar plexus  (third chakra), or the heart center (fourth chakra) and the other hand somewhere on my head. Then I breathe and settle in for the night. Sometimes, I can feel the tension in my body being un-tensed, un-raveled, un-strung. I can feel it leaving my body and I can feel my body relaxing. It’s like my muscles, ligaments, and tendons are exhaling after having held their breath for a very long time. This is a huge step toward being re-set and neutralized. There you go – that’s the coming out of my going into the closet story.

Nutrition is also very important in restoring the body’s health: eating clean, wholesome, nutritious, and lovingly prepared food. It not only tastes good, but it nourishes the cells with the goodness of the sun, earth, and love. It strengthens the body naturally with vitamins, minerals, electrolytes, strength, energy, and joy.

Below is a picture of a Vietnamese soup from Tea Light Cafe in North Phoenix. You can spice it up as little or as much as you like it. Delicious and nutritious.



Another way to strengthen the body and cleanse the aura is with water: a hot epsom salt, baking soda and/or essential oil bath or a hot tub soak or a steam room or sauna. This will clean, cleanse, and purify the body and the energy system surrounding the body.

It takes effort living and living well. But it is well worth it for it makes the journey peaceful, clam, joyful, light and pleasant.

Listen to the wisdom of your body,                                                                                     Irena As I Am