Apple of My i

  • I loved you because you were the one.
  • I loved you because you were my sun.
  • I loved you because you were all, and more,
  • Than I ever could have hoped for. 
  • I loved you because you were exciting and daring.
  • Come to think of it, and a double smidge erring.
  • I needed the drama and trauma.
  • I needed the chiseling and sniveling.
  • I needed an escape hatch,
  • and so unto you I latched.
  • But in my youthful exuberance, I failed to see, 
  • that I would become entangled and entrapped without a key.
  • In time the snare grew tighter and tighter,
  • making me weaker, and mightier.
  • And so,
  • I loved you until I was all loved out.
  • I loved you until my well ran dry
  • Ioved you until I had to live or die.
  • I loved you until my Soul I could not deny.
  • Then the journey of a lifetime began
  • Our Soul Contract I had to disband.
  • You were my master, and I was your slave.
  • You called the shots, and I gladly obeyed.
  • I hithered, and thithered, 
  • running myself into a withered fritter.
  • Aiming to please was my only desire 
  • Lest you give me an eye full of fire.
  • God gave me the strength of an ox
  • And used it I did hauling all your rocks.
  • God gave me an intellect clear as light,
  • And shine it I did, unto the night of your plight.
  • This way I would have continued for everlasting eternity 
  • But for some unbeknownst reason to me, Love gave me pity.
  • From Their crown, Love looked down and said, “Enough!”.
  • And a mighty hand grabbed me by the scruff.
  • Pulled me up and out They did,
  • Showed me my Heart that was hid.
  • Then They told me to fly fly fly,
  • And always keep Love as the apple of my i.

Irena As I Am                                                                                                      05/12/2018

Who Runs The Show

Musings on Love

  • What is it all about? 
  • Why do we fall for it? 
  • Why do we need it? 
  • Why do we give it? 
  • Why do we let it have its way with us? 
  • Why do we yearn it? 
  • Why do we push it away? 
  • Why is it simultaneously tantalizing and repelling? 
  • Why does it send us high into the sky beyond the stratosphere – but it also has the capacity to plunge us  into the depths of deep dark despair?

LOVE

  • It is so powerful that no one can resist its orbital pull.
  • Yet, it is so gentle that it can melt even the strongest metal and mental Hearts.

LOVE

  • It emboldens us to do things way beyond our imagination.
  • Yet, it softens us into a vulnerability way beyond our choosing.

LOVE

  • It gives us life and hope and faith in a way we never could muster or arrange for ourselves.
  • Yet, it prunes us in a way that can be utterly incapacitating.

LOVE

  • It opens our eyes, ears, minds, Spirits and Hearts to new wonders and joys.
  • Yet, it can blind us and shut us off from all existence, isolating us into nothingness.

LOVE

  • It liberates us from old chains and bonds and patterns.
  • Yet, it can cripple and halt us in our tracks, making us immobile and idle.

LOVE

  • It voraciously consumes our life, thoughts, and focus.
  • Yet, in time, if we are not careful and do not nurture its garden, it can wilt, its roots can dry up and never be brought back to life from the dust of the earth.

 

My Dearest Love,                                                                                                          No thank you. Not for me. I like me just the way i am. But i also know that Love pays no heed to what i want in my i am.

Yes please. I’ll have a dollop or two. I like the temporary roller coaster ride of a thrill it provides.But i also know that Love comes on its own schedule and pays no heed to mine. Ummm, can i think about it for a while before i say yay or nay. Or, do You need my instant and total reply today.                                                                                                    Love, Yours Truly, as i am

My Dearest as i am SweetHeart,                                                                                You can do as you like, but as you well already know, in this arena,  We run the show.  LOL!                                                                                                                              Love You More, Always have and Always will, I AM THAT I AM

By: I AM & my sweet little muse of a Soul, irena as i am, 04/19/2019 AD

 

A Beggar and A Slave

Quite frequently in the Bible the passage about not being “slaves” and the healing of “beggars on mats” pops out at me. For a long time I dismissed these passages and messages about liberty and instantaneous healings from immobility as irrelevant and not pertaining to me. After all, on the surface I was not behind prison bars, nor was I sitting on a mat for cripples on the street corner with my hand out asking for alms. So plain of sight obvious – right? Well if there is one thing that I have learned about the Words in the Bible is that sometimes I need to approach them literally, while other times figuratively. 

This week, by the Grace of God I had one of those profound “aha” moments where it dawned on me how the above two topics did relate to me and were meant for me. I was shown just how much of a beggar and a slave I had been. In my healing journey I have noticed a pattern. The awareness of an unhealthy situation and the labeling of it, is half of the remedy. The other half requires effort on my part. I then need to implement and adopt permanently the newfound pearls of wisdom in my thoughts, actions, and life. The good news is that when we commit and ask for Divine Assistance, They always show up and help. 

LIFE OUTSIDE THE GARDEN

Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try, life outside The Garden of Eden is predicated on conditions – including love. There is the condition of gravity – we, trees, mountains, ants, buildings all stick to the earth because of gravity. It keeps us and everything grounded and from floating away into the eternal ethers. There is the condition of the flesh – our Soul needs the body vehicle for its earthen journey. Although the Soul is clean, pure, and holy, the condition of the body needs almost constant care, attention, and cleaning. Upkeep takes time, energy, and work. It is not enough to wash our face, comb our hair, and brush our teeth once, it has to be done at least a couple of times a day. In the realm of our Spirit, we constantly need to nourish it with hope, faith, and prayer to keep its energy balanced, strong and focused on Trust.

unCONDITIONAL LOVE

So too it is with human relationships. No matter how hard we try, there is always a condition on our love or on others’ love for us. The complete opposite would be the love that God gives us and offers us, TOTAL ACCEPTANCE always, in all ways and in every moment of who i am and as i am – the brilliance and especially the shadows. We all adore and admire the beauty of the rose, but do we give thanks to her thorns or the fertilizer/manure it took and takes to keep her blooming gracefully. We tend to overlook or dismiss the messy and smelly parts of the journey and focus on the final and closing act of the blooming soft petals. 

How many of us have the capacity to offer total acceptance to another – no matter what they do, how they behave, and the attitude they exude. I have tried it many times over, and it is just not in me. I do not have the capacity nor depth of graciousness for that kind of love. I have tried to keep “turning the other cheek” over and over and over again and again for years upon years. I thought I was holy in doing that. On the outside it may have appeared so. For my ego it was a bolster, but for my Heart it was a blister. For my Soul it was purification, but for my Spirit it was petrification. On the one hand I saw my self as a victim, but in truth, I was a voluntary martyr. In this there was pride too – “just look at me and the immense cross that i am carrying” was written all over me. The invisible sign on my forehead read “o woe is me – can i get a pity pence please”. But I was not aware of this subtle victim pride mentality back then. I was doing the best that I could with the love and level of awareness I was at. 

LOVE FOR AN ENSLAVED BEGGAR, AN INDENTURED SERVANT

In this period of my life, I thought that God’s love was predicated on my “turning the other cheek”. I knew others loved me because I was conforming and contorting myself to their projection of me. I thought I loved me. But then, I just could not take the pain anymore of being an indentured love martyr. The chains of earthly love became too heavy to bear. Thus, slowly and gradually by the Grace of God and much trepidation, I began to shift and change in my awareness, attitude, and resolve. It is said that “good fences make good neighbors” and thus I began building my wall, brick by brick, day by day, encounter by encounter. 

I began to set boundaries of what was and was not acceptable and respectable behavior toward me. I saw and felt the waves of disapproval toward me. I was no longer being praised but rather reprimanded. I began to wonder if I loved this new version of me since others were no too happy about it. But the most terrifying question of all was “did God love and approve this new version of me”. At that time I had equated human expectations and conditions of love and approval with Divine Love. It was a long and treacherous journey that freed me from this mentality. And, I am discovering there is always another subtle layer. I am on a journey of discovering and allowing God’s Love. It keeps amazing me pleasantly. 

LIBERTY

By the Grace of God, I discovered that I do not need to beg for Divine Love and Acceptance. Conversely, it is a Gift which liberates and gives life to the Spirit. I also realized that it was my misconstrued paradigm of what human love and Divine Love require that kept me enslaved in unhealthy ways of being and relating. I realized that the respect that I give to myself and to others, is the respect that I receive from the Universe. Karma, or “do unto others”, or the energy and vibe we put out, does truly come back to us. I have also realized and am continually discovering that the Divine version of Love is sometimes completely different from the human construction of love requirements. Love is not for rent. Love is the deed endowed on our Souls. Love is our Soul’s Essence. Embracing and embodying this Divine Love is really scary, and ultimately liberating. It takes a lot of courage and Grace to deconstruct or unsubscribe from the human love laws. 

The real Gift I am realizing is that this concept of discovering and living Divine Love is not limited to our relationship with others – this is just the beginning. It extends to our relationship with God, ourselves, our body, feelings, image, finances (income, investing, spending (needs and joys), and sharing), contribution, leisure time and fun activities. The adage of “how we do anything is how we do everything” is also very applicable to love received and love offered. 

As I have expanded my notion of love and accepting love, I have also expanded my giving of love too. It no longer is from a place of duty, obligation, must, or a should. I do my best to give what God is asking of me and to set the boundaries that are healthy and necessary for my well being. My journey went from the Law of Rule, from stone tablets  to the Spirit of Love, to the tender Heart. My journey continues expanding in this space of eternal potential. 

LAWS FOR SMOOTH FLOW 

I do understand that we need basic rules of behavior toward one another so that we are all “on the same page” of what is and what is not acceptable. Just like traffic laws keep traffic flowing smoothly, so too do we need a basic framework of respect and dignity for one another. This framework is a guide for every day smooth living in a society. Ultimately though, discern and let the Spirit of Love flow out of your Soul and into the Universe. This is true Divine Alignment. This is the ultimate service to God. This is what gives Joy to the Heart, life to the body, and Love to self and others. This to me is the ultimate pursuit or journey of life, liberty, prosperity, and joy. 

Now when I come across the passages about being freed from bondage and being chained to an almsgiving mat, I ask the Holy Spirit to show me how and where I can release human constructs and get my self with into greater Divine Alignment. By myself this is impossible, but by humility and abundant Grace, I KNOW i am assured victory.

God is God, and only God can offer total and complete Love and Acceptance. We as sojourners on our healing and wholeness earthen journey do not have this capacity. As we work on becoming more whole we need to ensure our safety and integrity by employing the Gift of Right Judgement from the Holy Spirit. With this Gift we know how vulnerable we can be or how closed off we need to be in order to be safe in each encounter.

Abundant Divine Wisdom, Humility, Strength, Grace & Love,                                         Irena As I Am                                                                                                      04/10/2018

Why Such Brutality in Love

If God is a God of Love, then,

  • Why did Jesus have to experience such brutality?
  • Why did  Jesus have to go through the torturous and humiliating passion?
  • Why did Jesus have to die a death of agony through the crucifixion?
  • Why was Love so brutish to Love Themselves?
  • Why did Love not just find a more gentle and loving way of demonstrating Their love to us and for us? After all, anything and everything is possible with God.
  • Why did Love choose The Way it did for our salvation?
  • Why did Love not just go from the Letter of the Law to the Law of Love in a more “humane” Way?
  • If God is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, and eternal, why not just “offer” it to us as a Gift, like so many other Gifts that are given to us?
  • Why put Themselves through such agony?
  • Why does this Gift have to come dripping with blood, skin lacerations, humiliation and ridicule, a crown of thorns, spikes through the flesh, and eventual death through asphyxiation?

God breathed life into Adam by blowing Their Breath into Adam’s lung. And then, God took away Their Life by denying that very same Breath to Themselves in a torturous manner. WhyWhyWhyWhy?

When I have asked others, the answers have varied but the most standard reply has been “love”. I get it. But it still does not silence and give peace to my “why”.

Whenever I ask God the “Why?” question, I always get the same response: “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth…tell Me if you understand such things.” Job 38 (For the full Chapter of God’s questions/statements to Job’s “Why?” question, see below this article.) This response always lets me know gently that i am way out of my league in even asking the “Why?” question. Its natural implication is that i TRUST and keep going. Sometimes, on the rare occasion or in time, the “why” is shown to me. I have realized that with God, I am on a “need to know basis”.

Annually, when we celebrate The Passion in Holy Week, it almost feels like we keep reinforcing and reigniting the brutality by going there, being there, and partaking in it. It almost feels sadistic. And yet, as I reflect over my life’s journey, I have felt a deep connection to the various  people in the Holy Week events. Yes, I have felt that I have been the victim, the allower, the betrayer, the observer, the one who would not stand up to the crowd, the accuser, the plotter, the warner, the mocker, the nail driver, the cross carrier assistant, the self-righteous one, and,  the weeper and wailer, oh yes, very much the weeper and wailer.

And yet, simultaneously, in my journey, Holy Week, with all its brutality and eventual Resurrection has been comforting and healing. By associating with the various roles, it has helped me process my thoughts and emotions in my journey. Crying silently in public, in church with others as nonactive, silent, non-aware witnesses is reassuring. Seeing others cry is bonding. It takes great courage being so vulnerable in public. I see them in a different light. I see more of their Hearts and not just their external persona and projection. This is a wonderful and Grace filled moment.

However, as of the past few years, my perception is and has been shifting. As i am, and have been embracing the concept that The Soul chooses or is Divinely assigned certain lessons for growth and evolution, i am now realizing that “the victim” outlook is no longer fitting. i have now even reached a point to where i am GRATEFUL for the “thorns, scouragings, mockery, and betrayal” in my journey. I now see that these experiences actually SERVED me because they purified me and humbled me. Although, it certainly did not feel like it when in the midst of the lesson. They helped me get a better grip of my ego/pride. They helped me reign in my wild and untamed ego. They helped me get closer to God like i had never imaged i could. Now, is that not a wonderful Gift.

And then, the Resurrection. Oh! That glorious Resurrection. Being in a sanctuary full of like minded Minds, Hearts, Spirits, and Voices all singing, praising, and worshiping, is a holy gathering. It is heaven on earth.  The unity and the focused energy strengthens my faith, my hope, and my resolve for the journey. I learn from others and grow stronger through their example of faith. Onward seems not only possible, but inevitable. It is like the Light in our individual Spirits and Souls gets brighter and recharged when it is near others praying, worshiping, and reverencing God. This is a beautiful Gift. For this i am beyond grateful.

Will i ever in this earthen journey understand why Jesus’ last few hours were so heart wrenching? Probably not. i am quite certain that most likely i will find out upon reuniting with Him in full Spirit. Until then, i keep on trusting and taking the next step in my faith journey.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength. 1 Corinthians 1

Abundant Wisdom, Love, Blessings, and Trust,                                                             Irena As I Am                                                                                                      03/31/2018

 

The Book of Job, Chapter 38, NIV

The Lord Speaks

1Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:

2“Who is this that obscures my plans

with words without knowledge?

3Brace yourself like a man;

I will question you,

and you shall answer me.

4“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?

Tell me, if you understand.

5Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!

Who stretched a measuring line across it?

6On what were its footings set,

or who laid its cornerstone—

7while the morning stars sang together

and all the angelsa shouted for joy?

8“Who shut up the sea behind doors

when it burst forth from the womb,

9when I made the clouds its garment

and wrapped it in thick darkness,

10when I fixed limits for it

and set its doors and bars in place,

11when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;

here is where your proud waves halt’?

12“Have you ever given orders to the morning,

or shown the dawn its place,

13that it might take the earth by the edges

and shake the wicked out of it?

14The earth takes shape like clay under a seal;

its features stand out like those of a garment.

15The wicked are denied their light,

and their upraised arm is broken.

16“Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea

or walked in the recesses of the deep?

17Have the gates of death been shown to you?

Have you seen the gates of the deepest darkness?

18Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?

Tell me, if you know all this.

19“What is the way to the abode of light?

And where does darkness reside?

20Can you take them to their places?

Do you know the paths to their dwellings?

21Surely you know, for you were already born!

You have lived so many years!

22“Have you entered the storehouses of the snow

or seen the storehouses of the hail,

23which I reserve for times of trouble,

for days of war and battle?

24What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,

or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?

25Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain,

and a path for the thunderstorm,

26to water a land where no one lives,

an uninhabited desert,

27to satisfy a desolate wasteland

and make it sprout with grass?

28Does the rain have a father?

Who fathers the drops of dew?

29From whose womb comes the ice?

Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens

30when the waters become hard as stone,

when the surface of the deep is frozen?

31“Can you bind the chainsb of the Pleiades?

Can you loosen Orion’s belt?

32Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasonsc

or lead out the Beard with its cubs?

33Do you know the laws of the heavens?

Can you set up God’se dominion over the earth?

34“Can you raise your voice to the clouds

and cover yourself with a flood of water?

35Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?

Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?

36Who gives the ibis wisdomf

or gives the rooster understanding?g

37Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?

Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens

38when the dust becomes hard

and the clods of earth stick together?

39“Do you hunt the prey for the lioness

and satisfy the hunger of the lions

40when they crouch in their dens

or lie in wait in a thicket?

41Who provides food for the raven

when its young cry out to God

and wander about for lack of food?Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Can you tell me?

Thou Shalt Respect The Free Will of Others

Once upon a time, a long long time ago I was super peed off that others did not respect my free will and kept imposing upon me and pressuring me into what they wanted of me. Oh my Word! Did I have a lot to learn. As it turns out, I was doing the same thing to others. Life was mirroring back to me my tendencies. I saw this flaw clearly in others. I saw the speck in their eye. But I sure missed the plank in my eye/i that was protruding out of me so much so that I was almost walking lop sided. I too had become masterful at subtle coercion. I liked it when I could steer others in my direction, but I sure hated it when others steered me in their direction with a look, a tone, a hint, a gift, a compliment, an implied comment. I could administer the medicine but I did not like it being administered to me.

That is until Mudryk, my feline sojourn companion really showed me just how disrespectful, wrong, and hurtful such behavior is. Some many years back, I was about to head out to Holy Trinity Monastery in St. David, AZ for a silent retreat. I love that place. It is holy ground. And its holiness has brought me and others many insights, shifts, comfort, and profound healing. It is an oasis in the desert for the Body, Mind, Heart, and Spirit. It is a resting and refreshing place in the journey of life.

The gates and the hostility of the Monastery are open to all peoples and all faiths.

The chapel at the Monastery with the bell on top.

It has about 150 acres and there is much space to roam both with the feet and the mind. I thought that it would be wonderful for Mudryk to have a change in scenery and experience the sights and sounds of the monastery. I asked him if he wanted to come. He sent me a clear and strong “NO” message. He said that he preferred staying at home and going about his routine and his business as he saw it best. He also said that the three hour car ride is very stressful on him.

I heard that but I did not listen. I imposed upon him. Because I knew best. And oh how very sorry I was.

When Mudryk and i became conjoined i was well on my “as i am” journey – being in alignment with the Will of God instead of people’s expectations, and being a God pleaser instead of a people pleaser. I also wanted others to respect me “as i am” as opposed to them respecting me only if I was “as they wanted me to be”. At this point of my journey, I knew that if I wanted the Gift of Respect from others, I first needed to offer that gift to myself, and others. Then I will see and feel the same respect in my life. That is the Law of Karma. That is the Supreme Law of the Universe. God respects our free will. God lets us choose even though God sees that our choices may not always be the best for us. It is an insoluble offense in Cosmic Consciousness to impose our will or pressure someone into doing something or being someone outside of what they would choose for themselves, outside of who God made them to be. Always remember that. Always live that so that you may have a more peaceful and graceful journey yourself.

Even though i knew all of this, i still went the bad way. i understood this concept intellectually. i knew this concept experientially, but it was not until i felt it gutturally that I really “got it”. It became visceral. It became part of my flesh.

Just like on a few previous retreats, I forced him to come with me to the Monastery. The three hour auto ride was very stressful on him. His breathing was heavy and at times he panted. He kept roaming thru the vehicle trying to find a place to calm down. Most of the time he ended up on my shoulders, nudged up against the seat, with his head and front legs hanging over my arm. He did not look comfortable nor feel at peace. I kept thinking that he will overlook my transgression once we got to the Monastery where he could go on his own exploratory adventure. I kept thinking that he would be grateful to me after we arrived for forcing him against his will to join me on my retreat, my calling, my journey. That’s how I justified my transgression. That’s how I condoned that the ends would justify the means.

Upon our arrival early in the afternoon I took him to our room so that he knew where “home” was. The Monastery calls it St. Bernard Hermitage. I call it, “the house on the hill”. It is a duplex situated on the downward slope of a hill. At the top of the hill is the chapel with the cross as it’s crown. In between our house on the hill are the cemetery, a portion of the stations of the cross, and a pond. It is very comforting and soothing to me when I look out the window or sit on the porch that I can see and be so close to the Tabernacle where He resides. When the chapel bell is rung signifying prayer time, it is like heaven’s chimes beckoning me to His Holy Presence – a taste of heaven here on earth. Furthermore, in the pond outside our door there lives a bull frog. When he bellows his deep throated bass song to the Universe the lyrics of “Redeemer” by Nicole C. Mullen flow through my Thoughts and Heart: “All of creation testifies ~ This life within me cries ~ I know my redeemer lives”. I AM in heaven.

St. Bernard Hermitage, or as I like to call it, “the house on the hill”.

Mudryk on the porch overlooking the pond where the bull frog lives with the chapel in the background.

The first thing that Mudryk did was lie on the floor and breathe. Then he sought some comfort by going into his “cave” to get grounded and get away form me. In this instance the cave was the small space underneath the La-Z-Boy recliner. I let him be while I settled in myself too. When I would peer underneath and ask him to come out, he would not even look at me, let alone listen to my plea. Eventually he did come out of is cave and went out to roam and explore the grounds. I was relieved. At times we go on walks together with him leading the way. At times we meet up as we are each on our own journey. The retreat had begun and I myself went out to commune with Nature and with God.

The sun was beginning to lean toward the horizon, and dusk was approaching. Mudryk had not come home yet. Worry was beginning to creep into my thoughts and Heart. I went out looking for him calling his name. He usually shows up and appears when I call out to him. This time though, no Mudryk. I searched and searched and searched. Then I felt or thought about the culvert underneath the gravel road that was nearby. There he was crouched in the center with his back to me and not wanting to look at me nor come toward me. I tried calling him with my sweet voice. I begged. I pleaded. I cried. I tried telling him how much I loved him. I thought about using my angry and authoritative voice, but then decided against it. After all, he was in the right and in this scene he was the one in control. The tables had turned. He was the dominant one now. He had me in the palm of his paw.

The culvert where Mudryk hid out for a day and a half to boycott me because of my transgression.

“I know”, I thought, I will lure him out with treats. He loves treats. He gets them as often as he wants and as many as he wants. At “home home” I have them lined up in the bottom cupboard. He points with his nose to signify to me which he fancies at the moment. Then he eats them out of the palm of my hand. He has done a magnificent job in training me in how he wants to be loved. I gladly comply. Sometimes I think he has more treats than normal food. Perhaps all of life is a treat to him. I got up off of the dusty ground and went to get his treat bag. I came back to the culvert and enticed him by shaking the treat bag. He barely nudged a whisker. I kept at it. On and on and on. By this time, the sun had gone down and it was getting darker by the moment. He did get up, he did come closer to the opening, but not within arm’s reach. He was still hurting from my imposing.

As the earth kept rotating, it was officially night. The land was dark. By this time my voice was getting frantic for him to come out and come home. The Monastery is in the desert and in the wilderness. There are all sorts of larger creatures that come out at night looking for nourishment. And I was helpless. Eventually in the night it dawned upon me to just let him be. This was not his first trip to the Monastery and he knew his way around. He knew where our home was. He knew I would leave the window slightly open for him. I told him I loved him and left.

Back in the room, I had a lot of work to do. I had to pray pray pray for his safety and reflect upon what I had done.

When our lives, Spirit’s, and Hearts conjoined I had a really hard Heart wrenching decision to make. Was I going to keep him indoors at all times, or let him out and explore. Phoenicians had told me all sorts of stories about the wildlife in the city of Phoenix and advised me to keep him indoors. But in the depths of my Being I received another message. He was a Gift from God to me and I to him. He is in God’s hands. Let him live in accordance with his Heart and his Soul. Even though his Heart and Soul are in a feline body, he also has his own journey of growth and evolution here on earth. This almost set me into panic mode as I myself had seen coyotes in our neighborhood. As he was growing up I did my best to teach him to “stay away from the streets and moving vehicles”. I observed that he himself was very aware of his surroundings and that he knew the importance of being alert. Because he loves the outdoors so much, it would not have been a life for him if I kept him indoors. It would nave been and offense against him, his Heart, his Spirit, his life’s purpose and the Universe had I not let him go out and kept him cooped up on the inside. Just like me, he too needs the freedom to be, to grow, to breathe, to explore, to live his life. My job was to love him, let him love me, and let him live in accordance with the whisperings of the Holy Spirit in his Heart, and  to praypraypraypraypray that he makes wise choices and that the Angels watch over him and keep him safe. Nevertheless, every time he goes out the door, I send him off with a blessing and a prayer.

Thus, this contract between his Soul and mine came flooding back to me as I headed back to the hermitage for the night. My Heart was heavy with worry, deep regret over my decision to force him to come, and sorrow at the grief I caused him. All I could do was send him love from my Heart to his and praypraypray that he would be all right and that he would come home soon through the open window I left for him.

It was a semi-sleepless night. Every time I awoke I checked to see if he had come back. He had not. The more time passed the more somber I became as I reflected at what I had done unto him. The sun arose and still no Mudryk. I dressed and rushed out to the culvert, and there he was where I last saw him last night. I greeted him with elation and treats, but he just stayed squatting on the ground looking at me with those eyes. Those eyes told me he was still feeling betrayed, imposed upon and disrespected. I heard those thoughts. I felt those feelings wash over me. I who loved him so, was the one responsible for his pain and sorrow. Knowing and feeling this was like swallowing a twirling double edged dagger and have it burrow into my Heart and Being. Every time I breathed it tore more flesh. I was feeling my offense against Mudryk and the Cosmos.

I apologized and was sorry to him like never before, but still he did not budge.
All day he did not come out. All day I simmered my regret and offense.

Day two, and once more around 6:00 pm the sun set over the horizon, night two, and Mudryk was still in the culvert. By now, I knew better – no cooing. I went to the culvert, looked inside, told him I loved him and that I was deeply sorry, and went to our room.

And then at around 10:00 pm a miracle. He came in through the window, and spoke a “meaow” like I had never heard before. It was a humble, reconciliatory, and loving “meaow” – a peace offering. I on my part ran to him and hugged him like I had never hugged him before. I showered him with kisses and held him close to my Heart and apologized like I had never before. I learned my lesson. He had been my teacher. His boycott of me imbued my Spirit and my Heart with the Cosmic Law of Free Will.

Mudryk leading the way on one of our walks.

By the Grace of God, i pray that i always have the humility and reverence toward others and their free will of choice.

In reality it looked like i adopted Mudryk. But in truth, he chose me. His soul recognized mine from previous journeys. We already knew each other and were reuniting once again. He is and has been one of my greatest, gentlest, and most loving teachers.

Abundant Grace, Wisdom, and Blessings,
Irena As I Am & Mudryk, The Wise One
03/16/2018

Let Love Resolve This

I had been waiting a long long long LONG time for some news. Years. And years, actually. I had been patient, and I had exerted enormous amounts of energy in staying patient, positive, and hopeful: energy which I could have used toward other endeavors. This waiting was like a constant cloud hovering over me and weighing down on me. This waiting was like trying to swim in the ocean with my legs chained together and weighted down with two steel balls around each ankle. Thus, rather than swimming and moving forward, the bulk of my energy went toward just keeping my head above water and not drowning.

The world and my ego told me “it was within my right” that I take matters into my own hands.                                                                                                                            The piece of paper and pen markings told me it was well within my jurisprudence that I “do something about it.”                                                                                                         My own impatience and desire in moving forward nagged at me to “just do it. just be done with it”.                                                                                                                         Then there were those who sowed fear, or tried to sow fear into my heart by telling me about all the things that could happen if I didn’t do something.                                      One person even said, “that is why God made lawyers.”

With all this overwhelming evidence, validation, and tidal wave toward a certain path, there was something deep within me that said to the contrary,                                                   “Wait. You don’t know everything that is going on. You can’t see everything that is going on. Wait on Us. Let Us take care of this – peacefully, amicably, and in a mutually beneficial manner. Trust Us.”

“Arrgh! How much longer do You expect me to wait! Haven’t I been patient long enough? Hasn’t the statute of limitations on patience long ago expired? I want this resolved, NOW!”, was my emotional volley back over the fence and into the Divine’s Court.                          And,                                                                                                                                     I also asked Them for guidance toward leading me to a helper in the human court. But no such doors opened up, no coincidences transpired, no path presented itself, nothing that felt right – to my dismay and discouragement.

And then, like always, They surprised me with Their Wisdom filled response,

“SweetHeart, you only see the now. We see eternity. We see how each action or lack of it reverberates into eternity. If you follow through on your sense of self-entitlement it will create a cascade of negative karma for you and for others for lifetimes to come. If you allow yourself to be at the mercy of these ego-based emotions you will keep alive the fear based Soul contract between you and the other party/parties. You may receive short term relief but it will be at the expense of long term peace. If you succumb to your ego in this situation, you will be ruled by your ego for lifetimes to come. This is is your opportunity of a lifetime to let Love into this Soul contract and let Love resolve this in Love’s Way, once and for all time. If you let Love resolve this, you will be freed totally and completely, in eternity. If you let Love handle this in Love’s Way, your yoke will then be Light. We leave the decision in your hands.”

Well, after that Deep Divine Insight, I knew I had only one choice: wait on Love. But that does not mean that the human side in me still found it easy to “wait”. No, on the contrary, it took a lot of energy and effort to keep myself distracted, entertained, occupied, and at peace in the waiting. It took an ABUNDANCE OF GRACE to keep me on track. It took an abundance of prayer, meditation, journaling, and time with the Eucharist.

It also helped that at the time I had a friend whose lone voice said,                                   “Ah, just let it go.”

“OK. Will do.”, I sighed reluctantly,  and then we’d go off on an adventure.

By the Grace of God, I listened to my Heart and to my friend. God always sends us angels and support. All we need are eyes that see, ears that hear, and a discerning and humble Heart. Pray for that, every day.

During these years in waiting there had been a social media image that resonated deeply with me because it had portrayed my situation. It was a picture of a beautiful butterfly which had a string or chain tied to her body and at the end of the string chain was a steel ball. It showed the butterfly hovering just slightly above a flight of stone stairs which seemed to be leading up and out of the dungeon. But yet the butterfly could only fly as far as the length of the chain. It made my Heart ache and eyes weep.

This past summer I was getting to a point of not being able to take it anymore. I am human after all. In my mind, I had built up an image of this other person and the image was slathered in sludge. Around this time I also got a strong inclination to go on a fast. In the past, fasting has brought about miracles in my life. The fast that I went on was The Master Cleanse. It was my one of my go to fasts. I find that when I refrain from food, it gives me crystal clear clarity. It was also a fast that I see as deeply symbolic – it helped cleanse me of the masters in my life – the ego masters that had ruled me and kept me from living more in alignment with Love. I also got the impression to do either seven or eight days of the Master Cleanse within a certain month. In the past I would have done it the seven to eight days in a row. But since I have also been on a gentle journey, the peace pilgrim journey, this time round I spread it out over the entire month, meaning that I would do one or two days a week, either consecutive or dispersed. I was going to go with the Flow and decide day by day. About half way into this fast, I got the strong message to “call the other party”. Up to this point, we had not had any verbal communication in years, only rare emails relating to the issue.

That phone call was a miracle. And, it was miracle producing.

I heard the other person’s voice and in their voice I heard their story and I heard their Heart through their voice. I just KNEW they were speaking the truth. I knew that the delay had been legitimate and out of their control. And then, the person said something which completely took me by surprise, God has a way of doing that when you humble yourself before God, and the person said,                                                                                       “I pray for you everyday.”

I was so stunned, that I didn’t know what to say. And then with those words sinking into my being, the volcano of anger that had been bubbling in me, building in me, and attempting to bully me into war, was INSTANTANEOUSLY put out. In it’s place PEACE took residence. I instantly forgave this person. It was a miracle the equivalent of the parting of the sea. It gave me passage from hardness, anger, bitterness, thoughts of revenge occupying my mind, to the Promised Land of Peace in my Heart.

Had I taken matters in to my own hands, had I taken the logical route with legal action, I would have created a quagmire mess the size of which I just know I would have drowned in. The person said that everything would be resolved in three months time. After waiting for this for years, three months seemed like a short duration. But then, three months came and went, and… nothing happened. Oh, the “thoughts” that came into my mind.

Around this time I was going about my day with these “thoughts” flooding me when out of the blue a child presented me with a Gift. This is a child that I see from time to time in passing and have just a casual connection with. The child said that they thought of me and made a butterfly for me. I was STUNNED. I just knew deep within that this child was an angel telling me that all will be well – that the butterfly will be freed. The depth of gratitude and humility in the way of God gave me awe and wonder and strength to keep hanging on and waiting for God.

As it turned out, everything was resolved eventually. The delays were just part of the process. Sometimes, things just take more time than we anticipate. In the meantime, pray, trust God, and be on the look out for sings.

 

Abundant Grace and God’s Choicest Blessings,                                                              Irena As I Am

 

PS                                                                                                                                  SIGNS                                                                                                                                 As things were being wrapped up, I received a call by accident from an independent third party who was doing the wrapping up. The independent third party thought they were calling somebody else and after my “hello”, they immediately went into a monologue about how frustrated they were with all the delays.                                                                    Wow! All I could do was thank God, profusely for this “coincidence”.

Then, another person, completely unrelated to the above issue and knowing of it was telling me about their disappointment and frustration with a certain institution. This was the same institution that was delaying my/our resolution.                                                       Wow! And wow! All I could think of, just how creative and to the great lengths that God went to in communicating with us and letting us know “God is with us”.

I received three signs: the butterfly, the misplaced phone call, and the institutional similarity story. This is just BEYOND amazing!                                                                                  Amen                                                                                                                                Thank You God