OutRaged

I am outraged! 

My blood is curldling!

My spirit is revolting!

and

My Heart is weeping!

How could they!?! 

How dare they!?!

Imagine someone having the gentle cure, the thorough medicine, the easy remedy, to plagues that have plagued humanity over the centuries, and withholding it from the masses. Think of the lives it would have saved and the pain it could have spared. Think of the mass fear and hysteria it could have preempted. Think of the progress that could have been made but was not because time, resources, energy, focus was being directed at crisis management rather than on progress and growth. 

Imagine that there is hunger amongst the masses for food, for sustenance, and  for nourishment. Imagine that the masses are plagued by lack, scarcity, and a “not enough” mentality, yet, there is plenty but it is stored away and kept at bay. 

In our earthly timeline, imagine that a group of people had the cure or the knowledge or the insight or the vaccine for such epidemics as the cholera, the bubonic plague, typhoid fever, small pox, measles, mumps, rubella, polio, HIV/AIDS, and the most current one, cancer, and they are holding it back. They are holding it back because they want people living in fear. They are holding it back because they want to control people’s lives and keep them subdued. They are holing it back because they want the masses under their dominion, or as Mick Jagger and Keith Richards penned “under my thumb”. 

That is what the “church” has done to her people and to much of western thought by parsing, by curating, by editing, by cutting and pasting, by withholding Holy Writings, Inspired Scripture, Divine Wisdom, and TRUTH from the people, from the masses over centuries – a mass massacre of the Spirit of The People.

The TRUTH is that past lives and reincarnation are true and real. It was part of the knowledge and truth of the early catholic/orthodox church and christian beliefs up until about Constantine’s time. I know he is referred to as “saint” and “the great”, but not in my books. No longer. Just like he and his entourage took the liberty to “rewrite” the bible and withhold books and truth and Christian mysticism, i am now doing the same thing and choosing to see him as just another spineless man. 

The white paternal patriarchal brotherhood:

I do not trust them. They have lost my trust.

I do not respect them. They have lost my respect.

I do not obey them. They have lost my blind fidelity, for all of eternity. 

It is ironic that he is know for an edict, The Edict of Milan that stated that “Christians could believe what they wanted” (Wikipedia –  “In February 313, Constantine met with Licinius in Milan where they made the Edict of Milan. The edict said that Christians could believe what they wanted.”). Yet he and his entourage took out Truth from Scriptures. They and all those who were in the know withheld medicine and life from countless generations to come.  

I struggled and wrestled with the concept of reincarnation for six years. I actually did not choose the path, the notion, I “stumbled” onto it, or more accurately, was “led” into it. I was at a “Celebrate Your Life” conference in Scottsdale, AZ in 2007, eleven years ago now, when I found my self sitting in a huge conference room. I think I chose the speaker and the subject by a process of elimination and not by desire. In hindsight I now see that The Divine Spirit was masterfully at work in setting me up for massive healing and success. Hmmm, now that I think about it, perhaps Constantine was part of the Divine EntouRage that led me into this room, this speaker, this healing experience, this truth, and this path.

I don’t recall now who the speaker was, but my inkling is to say Dr. Brian Weiss. That session and that seminar and that group past life regression session changed the course of my life. It was the beginning of a new path, a new way, a new age. It opened up my Mind and Spirit to a path and a portal that answered many questions and showed me the healing work that I needed to do in this lifetime if I did not want to carry forward the same lesson into the next. 

When I first began my spirituality journey, there was a stigma put on it and on me that I was “cherry picking” my christian beliefs or that I was being a “cafeteria catholic” – thereby implying my not being in “full communion” nor a “true believer or supporter of Christ” and that “I was turning my back on the one true faith”.  There was guilt, fear, and emotional shunning used as an attempt at  manipulating me or steering me away from spirituality and new age books/gatherings with words and phrases such as:

  • it’s not in the bible, 
  • that is the devil talking to you, 
  • that is evil – thus implying that i am evil or partaking in evil, (in hindsight, i was parting from lies and untruth that kept me subdued and the Spirit of God from flowing through me)
  • that is the devil misleading you, 
  • that is bullshit, 
  • you are being misled,
  • you are being brainwashed,
  • you are so gullible and vulnerable,
  • the church does not believe in that. 

Truthfully though, these voices were my mirror of my inner belief paradigm too. I myself had once thought and spoken in the same manner: condemning and criticizing, but then ultimately and by The Grace of God, accepting and embracing.

These voices were loud and their decibel emotionally demeaning, deafening, and crippling.  They tried to block me, stop me, tackle me, and keep me down, low, and subdued. But BY THE IMMENSE GRACE OF GOD, the Holy Spirit and dispenser of Divine Wisdom and Truth, kept whispering in my ear, in my Heart, and in my Spirit. Sofia kept nudging me along, gently. Sofia kept giving me books and insights and healers and experiences, consistently and persistently. Sofia kept comforting me and consoling me on my seemingly alone journey into this world of eternal Truth and Wisdom, and eventual healing. On the earthly plane there was much resistance, but on the Spiritual plane there was immense support, guidance, and strength. All I had to do was walk by faith, by insight, and by intuition. All I had to do was lean on the crutches of Divine Right Judgement and accept Their grace. All I had to do was listen and respond to the whispers of the ONE TRUE VOICE.

This Voice, His Voice kept whispering to me, “You shall know them by their fruit”. If there was love, stay and learn. If there was fear, run, fast and far.

I found my self being very careful as to how I spoke and what language I used. When I was in the presence of “church people” I avoided Spiritual / New Age language and conversations lest I be laughed at, ridiculed, and shunned. Ironically, in Spiritual circles and healing ceremonies, I edited my church language since there was a strong undercurrent of disdain toward organized religion and its teachings. I was like a double agent double dipping in both gardens. 

At one point I did leave “organized” religion, orthodoxy-catholicism. I did leave control based on fear, guilt, UNworthiness, and servitude. But HE called me back. 

HE said, “Come to Me. Come to My Table. Come Feast at and with and on my Love. Come let Me heal you and nourish you. Come. Come. Come my sweet loved daughter.”

HE said, “Don’t throw out the baby with the dirty diaper or dirty bathwater.” Meaning don’t leave, discard, throw out the beautiful side of the church because of the smelly part. 

HE said, “I know. I see all that is going on. Leave that and them up to Me. I am and will deal with them, in My Way and My time. That is not your job. Your job is to Love Me, listen to Me, and do as I say. Focus on Me and Me only. Receive My Gifts and Me, and let the institution be. Ignore the institution, that is not your work.”

So, I did. I listened to Him. I listen to His Voice. I obeyed His Voice. In doing so He led me to a beautiful Holy Spirit filled community that is based on Love and Acceptance and Healing: a community that is rooted in tradition but not bound by tradition. I am beyond grateful and have been deeply blessed and enriched.

“FORGIVE THEM FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO”, Jesus

In hindsight those external voices didn’t know any better. In hindsight, they mirrored and voiced back to me at what I was thinking and feeling myself. I’ve realized that while i am on wobbly feet in my own truth and skin, the world will reflect back to me my hesitancy and uncertainty. 

The church, although Divinely inspired is manly managed and run – just ask Galileo and St. Joan of Arc. 

Lastly, since I know that that which moves us to joy, tears, admiration and rage in others is also within us. Thus, I am left wondering how my outrage of the church withholding is a mirror of me. Mercy me! As the adages go, “when you point a finger at someone else, there are three pointing ball at you”, and, “it is a sin to know where the water is in the desert and not tell anyone” – I wonder was this is telling me about myself. 

Always, think for yourself, by the Grace of God,                                                            Irena As I Am                                                                                                      04/23/2018

PS                                                                                                                            Despite all this i still love the church – the hierarchy and institution i struggle with and actually have disconnected from. I also realize that  in any tribe a code of conduct is needed so that everyone is on the same page and that there is unity and uniformity. I also recognize and acknowledge all the good that the church has done: schools, universities, hospitals, orphanages, social outreach, mentoring to name just a few. 

Why do i love her so? Well, she was founded and is ultimately guided by the One Beloved of many.

Transub-WHAT?-stantiation

“We don’t believe in transubstantiation. We only believe that the bread and grape juice are symbols of Jesus’ Body and Blood.”, said the former catholic young man turned Mormon, to me right before a Mormon Sunday worship service.

I can still picture him in my mind some nine years later. There I am in a Church of Latter Day Saints trying to look as inconspicuous as possible, trying to blend into the crowd and the back pew which was placed against the back wall. I chose the back pew against the back wall so that I could easily back out if I need to, inconspicuously. (In front of the back pew was the walkway to the formation of pews facing the altar.) But when one enters into a Mormon church one enters into a house of welcoming and curious hospitality. Blend in I did not, no matter how hard I had tried, and several people greeted and welcomed me as they walked past me to their pews. But this one particular young man, who I now see as a Divine Messenger, a prophet really, did more than just greet me, he asked questions and he engaged me in a conversation. He wanted to know my faith background. I on the other hand just wanted to be left alone so that I could observe, absorb, and experience. He was intruding on my solitude and contemplation.

Reluctantly, I gave him my faith elevator speech;

I grew up in the UGCC (Ukrainian Greco-Catholic Church). She is a national church whose origin is from Constantinople – “We no longer knew whether we were in heaven or on earth” is what the emissaries who went “shopping” for a religion reported to Prince Volodymyr The Great of Kyvian Rus (current day Ukraine) circa 987 AD. She is the orthodox faith with her own patriarch. And, she is in communion with Rome and the Bishop of Rome (the pope).

I also told him that I was done with religion, the church, the patriarchy, the rigid rules, the use of fear to control. I had stopped going to church. But, I told him that I was bored on Sunday mornings and wanted to go out and explore and see how other people saw, experienced and worshiped God. I was curious. And with those statements, I wanted to set a strong boundary and short circuit any potential recruitment into any church organization. I was just passing time and sampling God on a Sunday morning.

My attitude, my tone, my demeanor, my energy projected: Done.Done.Done. I was now free to choose as I want. To live as I want. With no one to tell me nor judge me on what constitutes good behavior. I was untethered. I had flown the coop. I was cage free, but not yet free range. The last thing I needed and wanted was church membership.

Then he said something that was like a curve ball from the Universe,

“I am a former catholic. My wife and I are now Mormons. We also distribute and receive Communion, but we don’t believe in transubstantiation. We only believe that the bread and grape juice are symbols of Jesus’ Body and Blood.”

“What did you just say? What is transub-WHAT?-stantiation?”, I thought and said. I had never heard that term before.

I now see his words as prophetic. He was a prophet. God spoke to me through him. Those words changed the trajectory that I was on.

A this point I was only about two months into my free-wheelin’ religion-free lifestyle. I had kicked the habit. I was two months clean. This meant, no church on Sunday’s, no belonging to any organized religion. No religious and no patriarchal associations, affiliations, accreditations for me, thank you very much. Done.Done.Done with having them judge me and dictate to me how I was to live my life, which was in complete shambles, shrivels, and tatters because I had followed the protocol. Because I had followed the rules, the written, the spoken and the loudest and strongest of them all, the unspoken and unwritten rules, laws, duties, musts, and obligations. It was a heavy yoke which shut down any whisperings of The Holy Spirit. The rule of law superseded the Spirit of the Law of Love. I also visited the Unitarians, variety of New Age gatherings, SWIHA (Southwest Institute of Healing Arts), Lutherans, Baptists… other non-denominational Christian churches, Scientologists, private Light & Love worship gatherings, Shaman ceremonies, unofficial and self-proclaimed catholic services, and awareness centers. I was on a spiritual quest to sample the different flavors of God. I was tired of eating the same spiritual food. It had lost its flavor and sustenance.

He replied that, “Transsubstantiation means the belief that the bread and wine turn into the actual Body and Blood of Christ.”

“Oh.” was my highly intellectual response. And then I was saved from furthering the conversation by the beginning of the Sunday service.  Grace is so merciful at times.

But he got me thinking in ways I had never thought before. In all the years and decades of going to church and receiving Communion this was the common belief. It was just like common law: because everyone did it, everyone believed it, and everyone subscribed to it. This common belief had become an implied belief in me. But it was an unexamined belief. Did I believe it with the entirety of my mind, Heart, and Being? Or, did I believe it because I was programmed that way? Initially my response to my self was “I don’t know”, but I was open to discovering it for myself. I was open to taking the journey of examination of conscience and beliefs.

My answer soon came to me within a relatively short period of time. I found myself thinking very often about a nearby chapel in whose center was the Eucharist. I found myself DRAWN, like a magnet to this chapel. I found myself spending time in this Eucharistic Adoration chapel in the presence of the Eucharist. It was as though He was the moon and I was the tide. He beckoned. I responded, with all my cells.

Eventually my life would revolve around Him, The Eucharist. He became the Sun around which the orbit of my life revolved around. Prior to that, my life had revolved around people, customs, expectations, and pleasing them all. He had become the filter through which I would mold myself and my life. Or rather, He molded me in His image, and continues to do so. It is and will be a lifelong journey. Now my job had become to please him.

Eventually, I needed to spend time with Him every day and I needed His nourishment in my Soul and body every day. Eventually, I began attending daily Mass, more or less on a daily basis. But this time I attended because of the deep joy it gave me and not because of an obligation I was fulfilling. Eventually, He told me to “don’t throw out the baby with the dirty bath water or the dirty diaper” when I pointed out to Him all the hypocrisy I saw in the church. He said to instead focus on the good, focus on the Him, focus on the sacraments, focus on community,  focus on the love and healing, and He will take care of the hypocrisy. That was His job, not mine. He will do the pruning of the vine and I am to partake in the fruit of the vine.

See, no matter where you wander and where you go, Love & Grace are always with you in the Flow. Trust the journey. Trust the process.

Trust and respond to the promptings of the Holy Spirit in your Heart,                            Irena As I Am                                                                                                           01/30/2018