Apple of My i

  • I loved you because you were the one.
  • I loved you because you were my sun.
  • I loved you because you were all, and more,
  • Than I ever could have hoped for. 
  • I loved you because you were exciting and daring.
  • Come to think of it, and a double smidge erring.
  • I needed the drama and trauma.
  • I needed the chiseling and sniveling.
  • I needed an escape hatch,
  • and so unto you I latched.
  • But in my youthful exuberance, I failed to see, 
  • that I would become entangled and entrapped without a key.
  • In time the snare grew tighter and tighter,
  • making me weaker, and mightier.
  • And so,
  • I loved you until I was all loved out.
  • I loved you until my well ran dry
  • Ioved you until I had to live or die.
  • I loved you until my Soul I could not deny.
  • Then the journey of a lifetime began
  • Our Soul Contract I had to disband.
  • You were my master, and I was your slave.
  • You called the shots, and I gladly obeyed.
  • I hithered, and thithered, 
  • running myself into a withered fritter.
  • Aiming to please was my only desire 
  • Lest you give me an eye full of fire.
  • God gave me the strength of an ox
  • And used it I did hauling all your rocks.
  • God gave me an intellect clear as light,
  • And shine it I did, unto the night of your plight.
  • This way I would have continued for everlasting eternity 
  • But for some unbeknownst reason to me, Love gave me pity.
  • From Their crown, Love looked down and said, “Enough!”.
  • And a mighty hand grabbed me by the scruff.
  • Pulled me up and out They did,
  • Showed me my Heart that was hid.
  • Then They told me to fly fly fly,
  • And always keep Love as the apple of my i.

Irena As I Am                                                                                                      05/12/2018

A Beggar and A Slave

Quite frequently in the Bible the passage about not being “slaves” and the healing of “beggars on mats” pops out at me. For a long time I dismissed these passages and messages about liberty and instantaneous healings from immobility as irrelevant and not pertaining to me. After all, on the surface I was not behind prison bars, nor was I sitting on a mat for cripples on the street corner with my hand out asking for alms. So plain of sight obvious – right? Well if there is one thing that I have learned about the Words in the Bible is that sometimes I need to approach them literally, while other times figuratively. 

This week, by the Grace of God I had one of those profound “aha” moments where it dawned on me how the above two topics did relate to me and were meant for me. I was shown just how much of a beggar and a slave I had been. In my healing journey I have noticed a pattern. The awareness of an unhealthy situation and the labeling of it, is half of the remedy. The other half requires effort on my part. I then need to implement and adopt permanently the newfound pearls of wisdom in my thoughts, actions, and life. The good news is that when we commit and ask for Divine Assistance, They always show up and help. 

LIFE OUTSIDE THE GARDEN

Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try, life outside The Garden of Eden is predicated on conditions – including love. There is the condition of gravity – we, trees, mountains, ants, buildings all stick to the earth because of gravity. It keeps us and everything grounded and from floating away into the eternal ethers. There is the condition of the flesh – our Soul needs the body vehicle for its earthen journey. Although the Soul is clean, pure, and holy, the condition of the body needs almost constant care, attention, and cleaning. Upkeep takes time, energy, and work. It is not enough to wash our face, comb our hair, and brush our teeth once, it has to be done at least a couple of times a day. In the realm of our Spirit, we constantly need to nourish it with hope, faith, and prayer to keep its energy balanced, strong and focused on Trust.

unCONDITIONAL LOVE

So too it is with human relationships. No matter how hard we try, there is always a condition on our love or on others’ love for us. The complete opposite would be the love that God gives us and offers us, TOTAL ACCEPTANCE always, in all ways and in every moment of who i am and as i am – the brilliance and especially the shadows. We all adore and admire the beauty of the rose, but do we give thanks to her thorns or the fertilizer/manure it took and takes to keep her blooming gracefully. We tend to overlook or dismiss the messy and smelly parts of the journey and focus on the final and closing act of the blooming soft petals. 

How many of us have the capacity to offer total acceptance to another – no matter what they do, how they behave, and the attitude they exude. I have tried it many times over, and it is just not in me. I do not have the capacity nor depth of graciousness for that kind of love. I have tried to keep “turning the other cheek” over and over and over again and again for years upon years. I thought I was holy in doing that. On the outside it may have appeared so. For my ego it was a bolster, but for my Heart it was a blister. For my Soul it was purification, but for my Spirit it was petrification. On the one hand I saw my self as a victim, but in truth, I was a voluntary martyr. In this there was pride too – “just look at me and the immense cross that i am carrying” was written all over me. The invisible sign on my forehead read “o woe is me – can i get a pity pence please”. But I was not aware of this subtle victim pride mentality back then. I was doing the best that I could with the love and level of awareness I was at. 

LOVE FOR AN ENSLAVED BEGGAR, AN INDENTURED SERVANT

In this period of my life, I thought that God’s love was predicated on my “turning the other cheek”. I knew others loved me because I was conforming and contorting myself to their projection of me. I thought I loved me. But then, I just could not take the pain anymore of being an indentured love martyr. The chains of earthly love became too heavy to bear. Thus, slowly and gradually by the Grace of God and much trepidation, I began to shift and change in my awareness, attitude, and resolve. It is said that “good fences make good neighbors” and thus I began building my wall, brick by brick, day by day, encounter by encounter. 

I began to set boundaries of what was and was not acceptable and respectable behavior toward me. I saw and felt the waves of disapproval toward me. I was no longer being praised but rather reprimanded. I began to wonder if I loved this new version of me since others were no too happy about it. But the most terrifying question of all was “did God love and approve this new version of me”. At that time I had equated human expectations and conditions of love and approval with Divine Love. It was a long and treacherous journey that freed me from this mentality. And, I am discovering there is always another subtle layer. I am on a journey of discovering and allowing God’s Love. It keeps amazing me pleasantly. 

LIBERTY

By the Grace of God, I discovered that I do not need to beg for Divine Love and Acceptance. Conversely, it is a Gift which liberates and gives life to the Spirit. I also realized that it was my misconstrued paradigm of what human love and Divine Love require that kept me enslaved in unhealthy ways of being and relating. I realized that the respect that I give to myself and to others, is the respect that I receive from the Universe. Karma, or “do unto others”, or the energy and vibe we put out, does truly come back to us. I have also realized and am continually discovering that the Divine version of Love is sometimes completely different from the human construction of love requirements. Love is not for rent. Love is the deed endowed on our Souls. Love is our Soul’s Essence. Embracing and embodying this Divine Love is really scary, and ultimately liberating. It takes a lot of courage and Grace to deconstruct or unsubscribe from the human love laws. 

The real Gift I am realizing is that this concept of discovering and living Divine Love is not limited to our relationship with others – this is just the beginning. It extends to our relationship with God, ourselves, our body, feelings, image, finances (income, investing, spending (needs and joys), and sharing), contribution, leisure time and fun activities. The adage of “how we do anything is how we do everything” is also very applicable to love received and love offered. 

As I have expanded my notion of love and accepting love, I have also expanded my giving of love too. It no longer is from a place of duty, obligation, must, or a should. I do my best to give what God is asking of me and to set the boundaries that are healthy and necessary for my well being. My journey went from the Law of Rule, from stone tablets  to the Spirit of Love, to the tender Heart. My journey continues expanding in this space of eternal potential. 

LAWS FOR SMOOTH FLOW 

I do understand that we need basic rules of behavior toward one another so that we are all “on the same page” of what is and what is not acceptable. Just like traffic laws keep traffic flowing smoothly, so too do we need a basic framework of respect and dignity for one another. This framework is a guide for every day smooth living in a society. Ultimately though, discern and let the Spirit of Love flow out of your Soul and into the Universe. This is true Divine Alignment. This is the ultimate service to God. This is what gives Joy to the Heart, life to the body, and Love to self and others. This to me is the ultimate pursuit or journey of life, liberty, prosperity, and joy. 

Now when I come across the passages about being freed from bondage and being chained to an almsgiving mat, I ask the Holy Spirit to show me how and where I can release human constructs and get my self with into greater Divine Alignment. By myself this is impossible, but by humility and abundant Grace, I KNOW i am assured victory.

God is God, and only God can offer total and complete Love and Acceptance. We as sojourners on our healing and wholeness earthen journey do not have this capacity. As we work on becoming more whole we need to ensure our safety and integrity by employing the Gift of Right Judgement from the Holy Spirit. With this Gift we know how vulnerable we can be or how closed off we need to be in order to be safe in each encounter.

Abundant Divine Wisdom, Humility, Strength, Grace & Love,                                         Irena As I Am                                                                                                      04/10/2018