i cry

  • Sometimes i cry cry cry
  • And i don’t even know why

 

  • i let the tears flow flow flow
  • Even if it means, my vulnerability being on show

 

  • “Don’t cry.”, sometimes others will say
  • As they try to make the tears go away

 

  • “But why, oh why, should i not cry?”, i retort
  • For in the game of life, sometimes i, others, and things fall short

 

  • The pain can be so deep and searing
  • It’s like a jagged dagger twirling through the flesh of one’s being 

 

  • Somehow the tears are a balm
  • Wondrously their flow restores inner calm

 

  • The tears a Gift from one’s Soul
  • For they bring light to what was once a deep dark hole

 

  • But I must say, not all the tears are mine
  • Sometimes I cry for those who tow the hard line

 

  • There are those who their tears they do not show
  • For they keep them buried deep in frozen snow

 

  • There are those who think they must must must 
  • Be strong unto themselves and others not trust 

 

  • There are those who keep the tears all to their inner selves
  • They keep them bottled up in dark cellar shelves 

 

  • They become masters at holding back
  • Until I come around and pick up their emotional slack

 

  • Their thoughts I know and their feelings I feel
  • For the Spirit of All can penetrate even think steel

 

  • What they will not allow
  • My Heart and Body become their emotional cat’s meow

 

  • I cry their uncried tears 
  • Bringing a ray of light to their hidden fears

 

  • i am an empath, you see
  • my sensitivity, a Gift of Service to thee

irena as i am                                                                                                           06/04/2018

We Are Messed Up

His name is Maverick. He is a dog. He lives with his human companion in our neighborhood. I think about him quite often even though I have had only several brief encounters with him in the past five or so months. Normally, most dogs when out on a walk are very friendly and looking to be lavishly loved upon by any willing passer by. But not Maverick. Every time I have come across him he growls viscously, bares his teeth, charges at me, and barks like he means it. It is not an honorary “I’m doing my job” dog bark, but rather, he barks like he wants to sink his teeth into some flesh. He barks like his life depended on his bark warding others off.

After a couple of these encounters, before I knew his name, I asked Maverick’s human companion who had a tight grip on his leash, whether Maverick was friendly or not.

The man holding the leash replied,                                                                                 “We just got back from Iraq from a tour of duty.                                                           We’re messed up.”

“Oh. Dear God”, I thought. And, I was so caught off guard by that TRUTH and the depth of its emotional repercussions, that I did not know how to reply. I think I said something that I hope that they both realize that they are in a different place and space, that they find peace and calm, and that they realize they are in peace and calm.

Then, as they went their way and I mine, and we passed by each other within a few feet, I FELT them. I felt their emotional struggles, their pain, and their fears: the fear, stress, and strain of always being “on guard”, the constant fear that their safety is never a sure thing, the fear of watching every step, the fear of not knowing if the ground below is safe to step on (IED -improvised explosive device), the fear of who or what may be around the corner, the fear that at any moment a  bullet may come from any direction, the fear that everyone they meet may be “out to get them”, the fear they may be killed and not live to tomorrow. Even though they were out of Iraq, Iraq was still not out of them. Iraq was still in their mental framework. The constant hyper-vigilance was still in their system and aura.

The Bunker Effect                                                                                                            A couple of years ago I attended a one day seminar with Rob Bell and Elizabeth Gilbert*, author of “Eat, Pray, Love” and “Magic (and other books too) at Los Angles’ Wanderlust. At one point a lady in the audience spoke about a period of about 10 years in her life  where there was much chaos and tumultuousness. However, she was now in a peaceful and calm place, but because for such a long time she was always on edge and tense waiting for “the other shoe to drop” that she could not relax and calm down. She was still always on edge. Rob Bell called this “The Bunker Effect”. The war is over on the outside, but on the inside the person is still in hyper-vigilant mode. Then he gave her some tips on how to relax, calm down, and settle into this new reality of peace.

The Soldier and Maverick were in this phase of healing The Bunker Effect, or as is commonly known PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. That’s just part of the emotional exchange/download that I felt or experienced when we passed by each other. There were also all the images that they had seen and that had been imprinted on their Beings. The images of poverty, abuse, bombed out buildings and streets, and children and people with scars, wounds, and missing limbs. The images and experiences of their cohorts – some of which may have not come back. All of this, and more I am gathering was in their being, their sphere, their aura.

As we passed each other, I did not  actually “think” all those above things, it is only now in writing about the encounters that I am conceptualizing/articulating the flooding of emotions I felt  upon passing by them. In the most recent encounter I was heading toward my vehicle when I came upon them and that is when The Soldier told me why Maverick was so vigilant and constantly on offense mode. We spoke for not even a minute before they went on their way, but as I sat behind the steering wheel, the effect of that brief encounter triggered a flood of tears out me. I sat and cried until the tears stopped flowing. I have learned it is much better and healthier to let the flow of tears take their natural course as opposed to opposing and suppressing them.

Here Come the Tears                                                                                                        I cried and cried and cried. I cried with them. I cried for them. I cried for the soldiers, civilians, birds and animals. I cried for all of humanity. I cried for peace. And, I cried for myself. My tears were my prayer and my offering. My tears were my urgent plea for greater Grace and Healing  in the Minds and Hearts of suffering men and women. My tears were for the softening of Hearts and the opening of Minds. As I write this, again i am crying for Maverick, The Soldier, All, The Birds and Animals, and me. The suffering of one is the suffering of all (and vice versa too). Thanks to them, I soaked several tissues.

This is one soldier and one dog on their new path of healing their past journey and memories. As I begin to extrapolate this couple to all the soldiers, dogs, civilians, animals around the world that are or have experienced such trauma in their lives it overwhelms me. If I harp on it too long, it paralyzes me emotionally. This is why I can no longer read or watch the news. I had asked for the Gift of Feeling, since for a large portion of my life I suppressed and oppressed my feelings, and I received that Gift, abundantly. Little did I know that in The Gift of Feeling it not only attuned me to me, but to the Oneness of us All. With everything there are two sides of the coin, a blessing side and a side of responsibility in living with and managing the blessing.

I also saw and felt the bond and closeness between Maverick and The Soldier. I felt the deep love and trust they had for and toward each other. I saw how Maverick, who was an Iraqi native and was found and trained and served with and then brought to the USA by The Soldier, was wholeheartedly devoted to protecting his friend, family, and companion. I saw how The Soldier was fond of Maverick and that the canine’s presence was soothing and comforting to him.

They kept each other safe, sane, together and composed as best as they could. Their love gave warmth and comfort to their Hearts and lives. This side of their relationship was a Gift to behold.

And then I thought, maybe they are my mirrors. “They say” everything and everyone are a reflection of some accept of ourselves. My fears do not revolve around actual bombs, bullets, snipers, IEDs, and ambushes. But there was a long period in my life where I too had been in constant hyper-vigilant mode. We all have those periods where “We’re Messed Up” or where we come out of “The Bunker”. Then a new season comes in and it then takes an enormous amount of awareness, humility, and energy to let go of one season and embrace the next. Alone, this is not possible. With Grace and with The Gift of Others whom God places in out lives, this is very possible and doable. All we need do is invoke God’s Wisdom and Grace in each and every day, hour, moment  of our lives.

May God grant us all the Grace and Humility in being present and trusting to and in each season.

God Bless You,                                                                                                                  Irena As I Am                                                                                                           03/08/2018

*NOTE about Elizabeth Gilbert                                                                                           In the weeks and days leading up to this seminar, I really really really wanted to see Elizabeth Gilbert in person, outside of the seminar. And lo and behold it came to pass. It was outside the restroom. I walked out of the restroom and there she was in the hallway waiting in line. I knew the Universe set this up for the two of us. We had a brief chat and then exchanged a warm hug**. Her books have had a profound effect of my life and thus, seeing her in person and expressing my gratitude was a Gift beyond joy.

**NOTE NOTE about hug with Elizabeth Gilbert                                                                  The chat was going really really well and we were connecting, Soul to Soul, and then my ego stepped in and asked if I could take a picture with the two of us. At that point she closed up and the conversation ended very shortly after that.  Ah!

I Almost Quit!

At the beginning of January 2018, I received a strong impression that I needed to detox. I needed to cleanse my body and in cleansing my body I would also cleanse my thoughts, spirit, and my being. The Universe was telling me it was time to do some internal spring cleaning. There were a lot of dust bunnies that had accumulated in the corners and the attic of my mind and Heart.

It was time to pull back the curtains, open up the windows, get the stale and fatal air out, and bring in some fresh air. It is stale and fatal thoughts, notions, and emotions that keep us stuck, spinning our wheels, and frustrated. It was time to do an internal sweeping, dusting, polishing, and tidying up. It was time to make room for some new thoughts, notions, and emotions.

Said another way, it was time to go into the garden of my mind and Heart and pull up some old old weeds that had become overgrown and were suffocating the flowers and the fruit. It was time to get the hoe out and dig deep so as to pull out the weeds at the roots and not just trim them at the stem.

“Okay”, I said, “I’m game. Show me the way. Help me say yes. Help me stay committed. And help me follow through to the end. Thank You and Amen”

I have found that prayers of petition that revolve around being faithful, reverent, and obedient to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit are prayers that are filled with abundant Grace because they bring us into deeper Divine Alignment.

Within about an hour, I was led, in my thoughts and then I followed through with my actions to a hot yoga web site. Initially I did not make the connection that this was one of the Divine Prompts and Answers, but I bought a package of fifteen classes that had to be used within sixty days. I had tried hot/Bikram yoga many years ago and abandoned it due to the headaches I was getting the day or two  after a class. I was not able to rehydrate and replenish my electrolytes in proportion to the radical and profuse loss in the sweating. I was not able to reestablish my internal balance and equilibrium. After a hot yoga class most people look like they just came out of a pool. Upon the suggestion of a seasoned hot yoga instructor, I had tried replenishing with blackstrap molasses. I also added mineral drops to the beverage. But this did not help. (Note: I am not a fan of Gatorade – the artificial coloring and the high fructose corn syrup do not appeal to me or my “clean, delicious and nutritious” mantra.) I also found myself eating more bananas. Even though I remembered this past non-positive experience, I still felt drawn and compelled  to sign up for this class. Divine Promptings are like that: sometimes the guidance we get in this leg of the journey is totally opposite and contradictory to the guidance we have received in an earlier leg of the journey. The Gift of Right Judgement helps us discern in Divine Alignment.

After the second class, I was ready to quit. I was thirsty for days after a class. I had a slight headache in the back ground. I dreaded going to class. “Who needs this?”, I thought. I wanted to quit. I wanted to bail out. I was going to call and see if I could get a refund, but life was happening so fast that I did not get around to it. In the meantime, articles from New Age sites on my Facebook feed spoke about  when we shift or release toxins or are in the process of raising our vibration there is temporary discomfort. One of these symptoms is headaches.  I did not connect the dots right away. But by the end of the week, I realized what was happening. I realized that I needed to continue going to hot yoga. I needed to continue with my purification. I needed to trust that the head discomfort was only temporary and will bring me to a higher place, eventually. And so I did keep going and it is getting easier. I also added coconut water to my post class replenishing ritual. I now see these classes as wonderful opportunities for peaceful and graceful healing. How blessed and fortunate am I! It was all by the Grace of God.

Interesting Coincidence Side Note:

As I was processing the above,  two conversations that arose in passing with two different people were on the topic of sweating – they brought it up, not me, but since I was working with it in my life, the Universe mirrored back to me others in the same boat. Both people spoke about the “not pleasant” side of sweating and body odor. They said how unpleasant and embarrassing it was. Yes this is true especially when we are in close proximity to one anther. But, when our bodies are detoxing, the body odor that arises, or is released, is a good thing, a really good thing. It means that the body is releasing toxins, icky yucky stuff. Let it. Don’t stop it. It is healthy for you. Instead of buying antiperspirants, buy deodorants. Since our body absorbs into her/him everything that we put on him/her, please buy the clean (health food stores) and gentle animal friendly kind (not tested on animals – no animals had to suffer or be pained in the process of making the product).

But that was not all. There was another angle to my detox journey. The yoga is the physical but I also needed a mental house cleaning. About two months ago a friend mentioned to me that she was listening to Hay House Podcasts. Louise Hay and Hay House authors, speakers and seminars have been integral in my healing and wholeness journey. But I had “forgotten” about this tribe of healers and forward thinkers. But this tidbit of info triggered something in me to go and check out the podcasts. In doing so, I listened to Jessica Ortner and Nick Ortner’s separate podcasts. Their relation is siblings and not marriage. Their healing modality is Tapping or EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique (see/read “TapTapTap•TapTapTap•TapItAway” Article  at http://www.1dvinedzine.com/new-age/taptaptap•taptaptap•tapitaway/  ).                         It is something I had “stumbled” on to, or more accurately, was led to about 10 years ago and had used extensively, but over time I had filed it away. In listening to their podcasts I tapped along but I spoke out loud things/issues that I was working on releasing and transmuting.

As I tapped on this issue, it led to that issue, which led to another issue. It was like a string or a series of knots that were being released and untangled. In tapping through the issues/knots I felt my body get lighter and easier to carry. That old stuff was being released from my meridians, from circulating in my body, from radiating in my energy field and from my mental paradigm and constructs. I also journaled to get it all out. Remember the adage – things/thoughts untangle themselves from the lips and through the fingertips – meaning speak and write it out, right out of you.

It was like a brain and energy unloading and dumping. This too is Grace in Abundance at work in my life. Again I say, how blessed and fortunate am I! Grace is at work in all of our lives. Have eyes that see and a Heart that is humble, responsive, and grateful.

Then, when I was at my dental cleaning appointment in early January, the dentist again mentioned to me the practice of “oil pulling” and that it should be done two times a year, for forty days each time. The last time I did it was in the summer. Thus it was time. Again, The Universe was telling me here is another opportunity and avenue for you to detox and clean house. This means that I need to get up half and hour earlier to do oil pulling: twenty minutes of swishing in my mouth organic coconut oil, followed by a salt water home made rinse, and completed by brushing my teeth. The dentist also mentioned that oral health and cleanliness is a good indicator of over all body health. Message received. And again and again I say, the Grace of God is eternal and in our simple every day lives it blesses us with an abundance of opportunities for healing.

The last angle has been my usual cleaning and cleansing method: tears, tears, tears, and more tears. I’ve become a professional crier. When I feel them arise, I let them flow. It could be while I am driving, on a restroom break, on a walk, in church, mediation, journaling, or… Most of the time the tears know we have lives and they do come at convenient times. But not always. Honor them. Let them flow, and they will bless and heal you, and those in your midst too. When I first began this healing journey I was petrified, mortified, embarrassed, and felt like a weakling that I cried so much. Oh how wrong and off the mark I was! I now see tears as a Great Blessing. They cleanse. They purify. They release. They give relief. They restore joy, strength, and dignity. They are a Gift of the Holy Spirit. They are gentle healing. Let them flow. Don’t hold them back. Don’t hold the Holy Spirit back. Let Her heal you  gently, gracefully, peacefully, and graciously. Yes, that is what I found out in my journey: tears are gentle medicine.  You know the Holy Spirit is at work within you when you experience three things: tears, warmth/heat in your body, and deep peace.

It also just so happened that January’s full moon was particularly strong and intense in Her tide. Her powerful yin magnet drew out of me (and others as I listened and observed) and to the surface deep mis-alignments or mis-Light-terpretations (interpretations) for me to feel, process, work through, transmute, and lastly transubstantiate into wholeness or holiness.

I almost quit hot yoga because I was feeling uncomfortable. But by the Abundant Grace of God, I received tremendous assistance and support along The Way. I am so grateful that I stayed faithful. The Universe is always setting us up for success!

Had I quit, I would have missed out on some massive shifts. But Grace kept me in the game.

I pray that God’s Truth, Wisdom and Healing blesses you abundantly.                                 I pray you say yes. I pray you stay committed to the end. Amen                                   Irena As I Am                                                                                                           02/05/2018

Warrior One Pose. I call it Peace Pilgrim Pose One. I journey in peace with myself and all. I look up to the Heavens for guidance, support, and confirmation.

Half Lotus Prayer Pose. Eyes are closed – looking and listening deep within.

Child’s Pose. The head is below the Heart. The head/mind is bowing to the Heart.